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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 8:07:08
Why is it that when you're depressed you can't remember what it's like to feel peace? I made a decision that was difficult for me - giving up a part-time job - and instead of appreciating the freedom that gives me, I feel like I gave up on yet another job in defeat.
This past weekend was when my active status turned off. Can no longer log on to the company's website. I deleted the email contacts I had, and destroyed any customer information I had on file. I'm a failure and feel like I attached way too much importance to a job that I could never give enough attention to. I already hold a full time job and I had taken this other one on for "fun".
Well, it was never fun. It was work from day one. The woman who had recruited me badgered me incessantly about booking sales, recruiting others, being in on the ground floor, yadda yadda yadda. I pushed her off every time, but like a yappy little dog, she kept on harping on me. I ended up screening her calls and deleting all her emails. I stopped selling anything and made a conscious decision to lose my active status by doing so.
I had mountains of paperwork to toss away. I sat in the living room with the floor covered all around me. In making room in my home, I feel like a carved out a hole in my heart, too.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 30, 2004, at 8:19:28
In reply to Haven't felt this low in a long time., posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 8:07:08
> Why is it that when you're depressed you can't remember what it's like to feel peace? I made a decision that was difficult for me - giving up a part-time job - and instead of appreciating the freedom that gives me, I feel like I gave up on yet another job in defeat.
>
> I'm a failure and feel like I attached way too much importance to a job that I could never give enough attention to. I already hold a full time job and I had taken this other one on for "fun".
>
> Well, it was never fun. It was work from day one.PC,
I see this as not a failure at all, but rather a successful decision for your own peace and happiness. It sounds like an awful experience. Why would dropping something awful that you don't need be a failure? It's a good decision.Of course I can see, though, how not being able to get into the website is a reminder that you are no longer affiliate with this company. That is a loss even if you were not happy there. And given your history, it makes sense that it is triggering. Please keep re-framing as many times as you need to. This is not a failure. It's a proactive decision made thoughtfully.
Warmly,
gg
Posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 8:26:25
In reply to Re: Haven't felt this low in a long time., posted by gardenergirl on August 30, 2004, at 8:19:28
Thank you, gg. You know me so well. I know it was the right thing to do, and I did it for the right reasons. It hurts at the same time. No sunshine for this cloud today.
Posted by fallsfall on August 30, 2004, at 8:35:33
In reply to Haven't felt this low in a long time., posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 8:07:08
>I had taken this other one on for "fun".
>Well, it was never fun.
Since the purpose of the job was "fun", and it wasn't fun, it seems quite smart to quit. You can find another activity that *IS* fun.
Can you make this a learning experience? Is there any way that you could have figured out in advance that it wouldn't be fun? Asking more questions? Talking to others who are doing the job? Were there any signs that you see now that you could look for in the future, so you would know that a particular opportunity isn't for you?
Jobs (and activities) and people need to be a good match. There is someone in this world who would love that job (like your boss...). And there are jobs and activities out there that you would love. This particular job didn't match well with you - so it is wise to let it go. Find something that *is* fun for YOU.
You didn't fail - you made a choice.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 30, 2004, at 8:38:13
In reply to Haven't felt this low in a long time., posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 8:07:08
Partly,
You did exactly what you needed to do. In no way shape or form does this make you a failure, just a realist.
You're only human! You may be chastising yourself for even taking this job on in the first place, but we all learn from our mistakes. It's part of being human.
((((PC)))
Posted by SAW on August 30, 2004, at 8:46:05
In reply to Re: Haven't felt this low in a long time., posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 30, 2004, at 8:38:13
You showed a great deal of strength in your decision to quit. Change isn't easy, nor is the decision to make the change.
And yes, it hurts, it hurts to be strong and it hurts as much to know you made the right decision and then to admit that you are still hurting because you made the right decision in the first place (whew!)
Hugs
Regards
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 8:46:34
In reply to Re: Haven't felt this low in a long time. » partlycloudy, posted by fallsfall on August 30, 2004, at 8:35:33
Part of my unhappiness was that I took this job on even though it felt all "wrong". I knew from day one that I wouldn't be able to devote enough time to it to make it even viable. I knew that the person who recruited me would be insatiable and demanding. I did it because I believed so highly in the company's values. Once inside the organization I found that it was just lipservice. It was only ever all about the money.
I hope it was one of the last times that I went against my instincts. That is part of my new creed - to trust my insight, intuition, and powers of discernment. It's in this sense that I failed. At the time I had no idea that therapy would lead me to defining that creed, so I do grant myself slack on that one.
Posted by Emme on August 30, 2004, at 9:20:09
In reply to Re: Haven't felt this low in a long time. » fallsfall, posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 8:46:34
You didn't fail. You were optimistic and it didn't pan out. At least now you know that your instincts are pretty sharp, so you know something good about yourself.
> Part of my unhappiness was that I took this job on even though it felt all "wrong". I knew from day one that I wouldn't be able to devote enough time to it to make it even viable. I knew that the person who recruited me would be insatiable and demanding. I did it because I believed so highly in the company's values. Once inside the organization I found that it was just lipservice. It was only ever all about the money.
> I hope it was one of the last times that I went against my instincts. That is part of my new creed - to trust my insight, intuition, and powers of discernment. It's in this sense that I failed. At the time I had no idea that therapy would lead me to defining that creed, so I do grant myself slack on that one.
>
>
Posted by Dinah on August 30, 2004, at 9:50:39
In reply to Re: Haven't felt this low in a long time. » fallsfall, posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 8:46:34
It doesn't sound like failure to me. It sounds like affirmation of your intuitive abilities!
Do you think you could reframe it so that instead of berating yourself for not listening to your gut last time, you could think "Dang! I have great instincts!" instead? That's something to be proud of.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 10:10:38
In reply to Re: Haven't felt this low in a long time. » partlycloudy, posted by Dinah on August 30, 2004, at 9:50:39
I have noticed that eventually my mind will come around to that very reframing, but I'm not very good at speeding it up. I just ride it out. I think that the depressive period I'm in really distorts that ability. I'll give an update in a few days.
Posted by shortelise on August 30, 2004, at 13:02:52
In reply to Haven't felt this low in a long time., posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 8:07:08
Sounds like an awful job.
Why are you beating yourself up, that's the question! What is it about thinking you're a failure that feels so right for you?
Reading your note here made it so clear that you had neither the time nor the inclination to do that job.
Hugs, (and I know it's trite to write hugs, but when I do write it, it is sincere!!)
ShortE
Posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 14:23:56
In reply to ick ick, posted by shortelise on August 30, 2004, at 13:02:52
The guilt is derived from the company's pitch that anyone could do this job as much or as little as you wanted to do. I pounced on the "as little" and was told plenty of other people who worked full time were able to do this. I was also told that most of them abandoned all those 9 to 5's and were making loads of money from this part time job.
I don't like to sell things, but I know I can do it very well due to 15 years' experience in retail management. What I hadn't counted on was my non-existent client base. No family down here. No friends to intice. No takers on the neighbours (and I still don't know anyone's name in our condo complex. I just recognize and resent the faces of the women who said they would come, and then just didn't show up.). This made me feel inadequate as I was told about consultants who sold product and booked parties while standing in line at the grocery store. I can barely make it THROUGH the grocery store without crying, much less trying to talk to anyone. I don't even go into banks anymore, just use the robot bank in the wall.
Also, I started this experience a month before I crashed in the worst way yet and started my journey with a p-doc and 2 therapists. The timing was all wrong, but I felt that if others could do it, so could I.
But I couldn't. I didn't want to chase away the few people I knew IRL from working with them by trying to get them to buy my stuff. I offered, I gave samples, I did 3 parties in a year by way of these generous people.
It looks to me when I read all this that I went into it with a false sense of optimism and unrealistic expectations of myself. Also the worst timing possible. I hoped it would boost my confidence and self esteem, and instead it reinforced how poorly developed these qualities are in me.
pc
Posted by shortelise on August 30, 2004, at 15:07:14
In reply to Re: ick ick » shortelise, posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 14:23:56
P/C
That's lousy.
You know, that you needed a client base that you did not have - that is something that lots of those sorts of companies investigate before encouraging people to sell products.
They ask about friends, family, social circles, church, etc.
Good companies of that sort do this, so they help people like you not to get involved if you are not in a position to succeed.I know we shouldn't blame others for our own shortcomings, but frankly, I don't see this as something you failed at. I think they failed to screen properly. How in the world could you be expected to succeed here? And if they had a decent screening process, you would have found out right away that it wasn't for you.
So, I'm sorry, P/C, but in my opinion, my sincere, honest, unsolicited opinion, you are NOT GUILTY. You are NOT A FAILURE. At least, not over this.
Are you mourning something else? I imagine you surrounded by this paperwork, cleaning up the entrails of this "job" and crying.
I wonder about something - how in touch are we - and I mean "we" in general - with what we are crying about? I know that I can watch a sad movie and weep my eyes out, and in fact, I am not weeping because so-and-so in the movie got dumped, but because of my own stuff. Do you think we do that a lot? Now I wonder...
Hugs again.
ShortE
Posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 15:19:28
In reply to Re: ick ick » partlycloudy, posted by shortelise on August 30, 2004, at 15:07:14
For me, everything gets all jumbled together. I get depressed, and things that I might not react to otherwise send me into a crying session that leaves me shaking and exhausted. I can't often identify the exact "thing" I'm depressed about. It's more like my state of mind tears down any state of bliss I may have achieved.
I go for another EMDR session this week. It's supposed to me my last one. It has helped me so much with the panic attacks and anxiety. The medication seemed to have pushed the depression back under, but the past few weeks have been violently up and down for me. Big crashes with emotional charges, then a quicker recovery than before. Definitely a different beast than the one I knew a year ago.
Thanks again for your words. I remember now that I raised my concerns about a lack of a viable client base when I was recruited, and I think this babe just wanted another notch on her recruiting belt.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 30, 2004, at 16:10:52
In reply to Re: ick ick » shortelise, posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 14:23:56
If I sound like I'm getting on my high horse, I am. This type of thing makes my toes curl.
This job is starting to sound like a classic case of 'if it sounds too good to be true....' It sounds like you are right about her needing a notch. It probably is also one where you don't begin to make anything real until your recruits sign up more recruits who sign up more recruits and so on.
You didn't have a false sense of optimism, you were *sold* a false sense of optimism.
Leaving this job IMHO wasn't just the right thing for you, it was the MORAL thing to do. How would you feel knowing you got others sucked into this just so you could make more money? Not good? I didn't think so.
Now, time to think of what to do with that spare time;)
Posted by Angela2 on August 30, 2004, at 18:43:06
In reply to Haven't felt this low in a long time., posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 8:07:08
I am sorry you are feeling this way, pc. Weren't you the one who told me how bittersweet things can be when you have mental health problems? It's true. Do what you feel is right for you right now. OK? Other fun jobs will come along. Even though it feels like you are losing something important right now, the most important thing is that you get better. Is there any way you can tell your boss what is going on? Maybe they will take your name down and let themselves be available to you when you are feeling better.
Posted by Angela2 on August 30, 2004, at 18:52:47
In reply to Re: Haven't felt this low in a long time., posted by Angela2 on August 30, 2004, at 18:43:06
HI,
I just read over everyone's posts and woder if maybe I misread what you wrote? I thought: you were down for the sake of being depressed. Like, you were seriously depressed which was keeping you from doing your job. They say: you are down because you quit your job because you didn't like it. So if I got that wrong I am sorry. ttyl.
Angela
Posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 19:07:07
In reply to Re: Haven't felt this low in a long time., posted by Angela2 on August 30, 2004, at 18:52:47
Thanks, Angela. I had this second job that I couldn't do so I stopped and then I felt guilty and was depressed anyways and the whole thing made me cry.
It already sounds stupid to me.
I think I'll get over the stupid second job I didn't need but wanted to be good at, and I will be able to stop beating myself up over it. Eventually.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 30, 2004, at 19:16:58
In reply to What we cry about » shortelise, posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 15:19:28
> > I remember now that I raised my concerns about a lack of a viable client base when I was recruited, and I think this babe just wanted another notch on her recruiting belt.
>
I think that's a valuable insight. I once thought about getting involved selling Mary Kay. I was recruited VERY aggressively. Even when I told them I absolutely did not want to do it...I decided I didn't like to sell...the regional person called me. That just made me mad.I still think you made a good decision. Those who do well in this type of work are not necessarily more successful in all things. They are assertive if not aggressive and seem quite motivated by numbers. If that doesn't fit you, it makes a lot of sense to get out.
Warmly,
gg
Posted by deirdrehbrt on August 30, 2004, at 21:18:51
In reply to Haven't felt this low in a long time., posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 8:07:08
You know,
I just remembered something..... Partly cloudy is a better forecast than partly sunny. Partly cloudy means mostly sunny.About the job... The business that you were involved in sounds very much like one that my ex and I tried when we were married. A great part of the 'job' involves immersing yourself in the culture of the organization. Though they say a small portion of your time may be involved in actual 'work', you almost live your life around the business, or job. Even if you aren't working full-time, you are encouraged to think full-time.
I may be all wrong here, and that may not have been what you were doing. If so, please accept my apology. In either case, it sounds like you made a wise decision in getting out. You weren't enjoying it, and it was draining you.
Good luck,
Dee.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 30, 2004, at 21:25:07
In reply to Re: Haven't felt this low in a long time., posted by deirdrehbrt on August 30, 2004, at 21:18:51
PC,
Your story reminds me of a Far Side cartoon I absolutely love. It shows an amoeba at a flip chart in front of several other amoebas sitting in chairs at a meeting. The caption? As amoebas in Amway, your job is to divide and sell. Divide and sell.Always cracks me up!
gg
Posted by Fallingstar on August 31, 2004, at 7:36:40
In reply to Haven't felt this low in a long time., posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 8:07:08
> Why is it that when you're depressed you can't remember what it's like to feel peace? I made a decision that was difficult for me - giving up a part-time job - and instead of appreciating the freedom that gives me, I feel like I gave up on yet another job in defeat.
>
> This past weekend was when my active status turned off. Can no longer log on to the company's website. I deleted the email contacts I had, and destroyed any customer information I had on file. I'm a failure and feel like I attached way too much importance to a job that I could never give enough attention to. I already hold a full time job and I had taken this other one on for "fun".
>
> Well, it was never fun. It was work from day one. The woman who had recruited me badgered me incessantly about booking sales, recruiting others, being in on the ground floor, yadda yadda yadda. I pushed her off every time, but like a yappy little dog, she kept on harping on me. I ended up screening her calls and deleting all her emails. I stopped selling anything and made a conscious decision to lose my active status by doing so.
>
> I had mountains of paperwork to toss away. I sat in the living room with the floor covered all around me. In making room in my home, I feel like a carved out a hole in my heart, too.
>HI PartlyCloudy,
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I too have tried to find what peace is and haven't felt it in so long I don't even know what it is anymore. Do not beat yourself for having to leave this current job, it sounds as if it was hazardous to your health :) God bless and bring you peace.
Posted by Ilene on August 31, 2004, at 20:38:26
In reply to What we cry about » shortelise, posted by partlycloudy on August 30, 2004, at 15:19:28
There's always a bit of grief in giving something up, even if it's something we want to give up. I think you were brave for even starting the job in the first place. Sales is something for which I have no talent.
Would you please post some more about your experiences w/ EMDR? It would be interesting to me to see how effective it is in the long run, esp. after you no longer go for regular sessions.
Posted by partlycloudy on September 1, 2004, at 4:42:52
In reply to Re: What we cry about » partlycloudy, posted by Ilene on August 31, 2004, at 20:38:26
I'm starting a thread on Psych about EMDR. My last session is tonight and I am apprehensive. I'm surprised at how quickly I now recover from situations that used to upset me for far longer.
Thanks, Irene
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