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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mmcasey on April 3, 2003, at 11:42:11
This is my situation.... Well, I'm depressed. It seems to be going downhill, although this is not infrequent. I was doing "better" for about a month in March,
but the past week or so has gotten worse.
My suicidal thoughts have returned with full force. And thoughts about how can I stand the rest of my life. I just don't really know what to do. I have
been struggling for a number of years, at least 5 that I could probably have been diagnosed with clinical depression, but really much longer than that. I am only 24, and
I do not feel that my life is worthless or anything. I actually feel fairly successful in my life so far. But I just don't know if I
can stand the misery!!!! Sometimes it feels so hard to live through every single second. I don't enjoy much of anything,
I feel restless and unable to really focus on much (for example, I can no longer read books or even watch tv/movies much because I just feel
unable to become engaged). These symptoms are new, have lasted for the past 3 months or so. I have tried about 5 medications with zero success. I've had lots of different
therapists. I had yet another conversation with my therapist yesterday about "if I feel that I can keep myself safe". I know I have to say yes
or else I'll be hospitalized, which is something that I fear tremendously. I am always very honest with my therapist, and she trusts me.
I have seriously been considering going voluntarily into the hospital recently. But I am afraid that it will f**k up my life more than help anything.
I mean, what can they really do? Plus, I can NOT go to my local hospital because
I work in research in psychiatry and I know a number of the staff and faculty, so I'd have to go somewhere else.
Also, there is the concern about money/insurance and my family finding out about my dire predicament, which they are somewhat unaware of.
I just don't know what to do, and it feels like such a losing battle, trying to get through each day,
and worrying that my entire life will be this way and I'll never be truly happy or even okay.Does anyone have any suggestions/support/advice/anything??
Thanks.
Posted by Tabitha on April 3, 2003, at 13:24:33
In reply to miserable, don't know what to do!!, posted by mmcasey on April 3, 2003, at 11:42:11
hi, I can't help much, but when you feel so bad that you can't even watch TV, I think you really need some chemical support. You said you have tried 5 meds, but sadly enough, that's not a lot. I'm sorry if I'm telling you things you already know, but it's trial and error with psych meds so you have to persist. Did you get any response from them? Or just couldn't stand the side effects? If you post your history over on the med board there are many experts who might have suggestions. For depression, my non-expert opinion is you need to try each of the major classes of drugs, TCAs, SSRIs, SSNRIs, atypicals, MAOIs, etc. maybe even more than one of each, before you throw in the towel. Then there are other approaches mood stabilisers, benzos, opiates, stimulants, finally even ECT.
IMO therapy isn't much help when you're that chemically unbalanced. Getting some support from meds has to be first priority.
Best wishes
Posted by mmcasey on April 3, 2003, at 13:56:25
In reply to Re: miserable, don't know what to do!!, posted by Tabitha on April 3, 2003, at 13:24:33
Thanks... I am actually still taking something - paxil.
I know 5 isn't that many and I know that lots of people have
tried MANY more, but still I feel desperate and discouraged.
I have tried: wellbutrin, celexa, effexor, and paxil, as
well as trazodone and st john's wort. No response at
all from any of them. I have accepted that therapy alone
isn't going to do it for me. I also have posted on psycho
babble for advice. It just is SO HARD to feel like
I just have to keep pushing on and being patient, and have
my therapist tell me to "hang in there" which despite all
good intentions just feels like too much to do.
Posted by sienna on April 3, 2003, at 14:05:06
In reply to Re: miserable, don't know what to do!! » Tabitha, posted by mmcasey on April 3, 2003, at 13:56:25
mmcasey,
i know that feeling. it took me a long time to find meds that work and they dont even work ALL the time but i did finally find a ad that i dont even notice side effects but my mood is lifted. that was zoloft for me. you might want to try it. and i did try a lot of drugs before.
Im not completely incontorl of all my sympotms at all. but at least my mood is lifted.
Its kind of wierd too feeling like my mood is relatively ok, but anxiety is still somewhat prominant.
there is hope though and you can find something that will work for you.
sienna
Posted by sienna on April 3, 2003, at 14:11:14
In reply to miserable, don't know what to do!!, posted by mmcasey on April 3, 2003, at 11:42:11
Hi wanted to say some more.
Also, i am 28 and i have had depression on and off for since as long as i can remmeber.
it is worse at times and better at times. I feel much better than i did 5 years ago if that helps any. You can too. There are rules around your parents finding out you are in a hopsital. I found that it helped if my parents knwe a little of what is going on with me but i tell them very litte.The hopsital experience is frightening if youve never been there, but it is really not that bad. If you think it will keep you safe or help you stabilize i would try it. However there are other things. I was in an intensive outpatient program the last two weeks nad it really helped. You just go there a few days a week for group therapy and other therapy, and it helps to have the routine and stabilization.
I felt i had nothing in common with people there at first but then realized we did have lots in common and now i feel very comfortable with the people and even exchanged some phone numbers. This might be a good thing to research and see if it can hlep you.
Are you in contact with your psychiartist on a regular basis? I wouldsay that if your sympotms are so prominent right now and your meds not helping so much yet, you would probably want to be in contact at leat every couple weeks and by phone more oftgen intul you can get this straightened out.
You deserve to feel better and get the suport you need, and youcan , just try to be very proactive and do like you are doing here asking questions and makeing steps to feel better.sienna
> This is my situation.... Well, I'm depressed. It seems to be going downhill, although this is not infrequent. I was doing "better" for about a month in March,
> but the past week or so has gotten worse.
> My suicidal thoughts have returned with full force. And thoughts about how can I stand the rest of my life. I just don't really know what to do. I have
> been struggling for a number of years, at least 5 that I could probably have been diagnosed with clinical depression, but really much longer than that. I am only 24, and
> I do not feel that my life is worthless or anything. I actually feel fairly successful in my life so far. But I just don't know if I
> can stand the misery!!!! Sometimes it feels so hard to live through every single second. I don't enjoy much of anything,
> I feel restless and unable to really focus on much (for example, I can no longer read books or even watch tv/movies much because I just feel
> unable to become engaged). These symptoms are new, have lasted for the past 3 months or so. I have tried about 5 medications with zero success. I've had lots of different
> therapists. I had yet another conversation with my therapist yesterday about "if I feel that I can keep myself safe". I know I have to say yes
> or else I'll be hospitalized, which is something that I fear tremendously. I am always very honest with my therapist, and she trusts me.
> I have seriously been considering going voluntarily into the hospital recently. But I am afraid that it will f**k up my life more than help anything.
> I mean, what can they really do? Plus, I can NOT go to my local hospital because
> I work in research in psychiatry and I know a number of the staff and faculty, so I'd have to go somewhere else.
> Also, there is the concern about money/insurance and my family finding out about my dire predicament, which they are somewhat unaware of.
> I just don't know what to do, and it feels like such a losing battle, trying to get through each day,
> and worrying that my entire life will be this way and I'll never be truly happy or even okay.
>
> Does anyone have any suggestions/support/advice/anything??
>
> Thanks.
Posted by lostsailor on April 3, 2003, at 14:59:40
In reply to mmcasey also .... » mmcasey, posted by sienna on April 3, 2003, at 14:11:14
I know what you are saying in a very empathetic way.
I am similar in age (33 but don’t tell anyone), was a social worker prior to my "break” and b/c my associates in the field am reluctant to go to a hospital for not only embarrassment but also the stigma that may be the demise of my "career" if I were to choose to/am able to go back to it.In another post I made earlier today to Diana, I think, I explained that my doc and I do what I call "home hospitalization." He's knows the situation that you and I share and the issues both medical and ethical/stigma related to hospitalization. I have seeing him now for about 6 yrs. so there is an excellent repoire that probably plays a role in these "home hops." I am 100% med comp and he knows I wont hesitate to call his cell at 230 am if needed. Actually, I am on "home hop" now and call him or my therapist who has a good working relationship with my doc and eventually when things subside I go to him in person for an eval. /med tune up if ness and release or continued home hop.
Only once in my life have I ever seriously considered suicide and I knew before I called him that he would not allow me to stay home in the shape I was in but did get me into a hospital, sadly where he did not have privileges, but it was needed. What is funny about it though, is that in a matter of days I went from where you are now to loving the hospital. It reminds me still so much of the movie "the Breakfast Club." I still keep in touch with one person from that period.
Please take care. Post us when you need a ear to hear. But if really comes down to it, please go to some hospital even if it is far and you need a ride or a bus to get there.
((()))
~tony
Posted by mmcasey on April 3, 2003, at 15:16:18
In reply to Re: mmcasey also read this, k?l, posted by lostsailor on April 3, 2003, at 14:59:40
Thanks for the support. I do actually feel right nowa bit better
than earlier today and yesterday, but of course I know it won't last, and that
tonight and tomorrow it will be back to the same. I have
in fact identified a private psychiatric hospital that is
about 45 minutes away that I could maybe go to. The issue with my
parents finding it is more about that I would probably need
their financial assistance (I have insurance but there's the hospital
copay to worry about), not that I think confidentiality would
be breached.Another thing, to Tony, is that it's interesting that you are a social
worker just because that is also what I want to eventually do.
I am very fascinated by mental health and also human needs, etc,
and I studied neuroscience in college, and am planning to start my
MSW next year 2004, assuming that I manage to get through till then.
Posted by lostsailor on April 3, 2003, at 19:53:47
In reply to thanks for support, posted by mmcasey on April 3, 2003, at 15:16:18
I had been accepted into thre MSW programs before the below happened (its a post made a bit earlier to scieanna), but opted out and went for a yet unfinish MLS (masters in library science)
Trust me...fasination does not make a "front line worker" as you will usually need to start as while building resume ect....
>>Hi there...
Me again. After we wrote back and forth earlier today, I decided to confront one of my "demons."I called one of my ex-employers at an agency called Parent Anonymous. I read your description to her, after she gotten done complaining about my rapid departure (I was looking into an abuse allegation in a crack house and was picked up, thrown against the wall, threatened, tossed down a flight of stairs only to be continually hit with rocks that were picking up and throwing at me while I ran for my car. I went home, filled out my assessment paperwork for the child's well being, dropped it of the next day and refused to ever step foot in the agency again--they now send at least two workers to most homes.
When that was done, Linda, my former supervisor said, something that I hadn't herd in years since she was the one who told me: "if it looks like fish and smells like fish (like something looking 'fishy' it's PROBABLY a fish." I told you my saying was: if I can see it, I need to look into it more.
One poster asked along the line if he were drunk: being DRUNK IS NOT AN EXCUSE!!!!!! I could chant that for hours. IF you are drunk and you rape someone, you still committed the act of rape and so on… Often things happen fast b/c someone does something without thinking and sometimes this is referred to as a "crime of passion" and special circumstance at times are made in courts, but what you describe was an ongoing pattern, not a one time thing... and if he were drunk it still WOULD NOT make a difference.
I think it is great that you can still look at him with admiration, as it shows your ability to forgive.
The main point I want you to remember is that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, he was an adult and seems to have been more then strict, he was most likely, in legal terms, an abusive parent.
In the future remember two things for me: 1) It was not my fault and; 2) a saying that existed in NY for a long time--believe the children, meaning if they say it, look into it as they are most often not lying for attention but honestly screaming out for help as best they can.
Bless you, Sienna
~tony<<
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