Posted by mmcasey on April 3, 2003, at 11:42:11
This is my situation.... Well, I'm depressed. It seems to be going downhill, although this is not infrequent. I was doing "better" for about a month in March,
but the past week or so has gotten worse.
My suicidal thoughts have returned with full force. And thoughts about how can I stand the rest of my life. I just don't really know what to do. I have
been struggling for a number of years, at least 5 that I could probably have been diagnosed with clinical depression, but really much longer than that. I am only 24, and
I do not feel that my life is worthless or anything. I actually feel fairly successful in my life so far. But I just don't know if I
can stand the misery!!!! Sometimes it feels so hard to live through every single second. I don't enjoy much of anything,
I feel restless and unable to really focus on much (for example, I can no longer read books or even watch tv/movies much because I just feel
unable to become engaged). These symptoms are new, have lasted for the past 3 months or so. I have tried about 5 medications with zero success. I've had lots of different
therapists. I had yet another conversation with my therapist yesterday about "if I feel that I can keep myself safe". I know I have to say yes
or else I'll be hospitalized, which is something that I fear tremendously. I am always very honest with my therapist, and she trusts me.
I have seriously been considering going voluntarily into the hospital recently. But I am afraid that it will f**k up my life more than help anything.
I mean, what can they really do? Plus, I can NOT go to my local hospital because
I work in research in psychiatry and I know a number of the staff and faculty, so I'd have to go somewhere else.
Also, there is the concern about money/insurance and my family finding out about my dire predicament, which they are somewhat unaware of.
I just don't know what to do, and it feels like such a losing battle, trying to get through each day,
and worrying that my entire life will be this way and I'll never be truly happy or even okay.Does anyone have any suggestions/support/advice/anything??
Thanks.
poster:mmcasey
thread:215785
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030401/msgs/215785.html