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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 31. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sienna on March 16, 2003, at 21:44:15
went to ER last nite because i thought i was dying but i wasnt dying but they all looked at me funny and reading my mind. and i watched to see whether each person could and some could and some coulndnt. but then when they wanted to put the cardiogram thingie on me i didnt want take of fmy clothes because last time they took me to a psych ward. they said i had to take off my shirt but i said dont touch me but i took it off and i put the things on and the gown but my jacket over it.
then the doctor came said my cardigram is normal and listened to me breathihng i said im not takeing off my clothes and then listened more. and put one hand on my back and other on my chest and pushed to see if it hurt but it didnt but it scared me and i didnt want them to touch me just make sure im not dying. then they called the psych on call and i talk to him on the phone.
I didnt want to tell him much becuase i think that if i tell then the guy who hurt me knows i am saying something because he can hear me talking and knows im telling and then he will kill me and i guess thats not real but how do you know if its real or not., cuz it feels real and i told the psch dr. that and he kept saying to tell him so i told him what happened of getting raped and telling will make it happen again because it always seems to and its forever linked for me. but he asked me did it happen beofre
im scared to tell him but i did tell him yes and hes aiys when and i tell him of when i was 8 - 10 and it happend then when i waws 13 and my bf was 19 and it happened then for 3 years again when i was 19 walking home from a party. hate new orleans bittersweet sick beautiful place. now im scared they are coming to kill me and break into my house. i didnt tell him all of the times because all of them arent rape and i dont know what is right and wrong anymore. its so confusing
something is wrong with me. the poison inside me and its like whatever i did i am still being punished and im supposed to just take it because im did it to myself but i dont know if that is real or not. and it makes me want to cut and feel and bleed but i cant.
Posted by Dinah on March 16, 2003, at 21:57:44
In reply to can anyone help me find whats real? triggering, posted by sienna on March 16, 2003, at 21:44:15
Sienna, I often use my therapist for reality checks. Because he's familiar with me and my history, he can often tell me when I'm being realistic in my fears or unrealistic. Is he available on call to you? I know you said it's just meds checks, but I'm sure he'd want to hear that you're doing badly. If you can't call him tonight, can you call him tomorrow? It'll be Monday and the work week for him. Is he someone you trust to tell you the truth?
Posted by sienna on March 16, 2003, at 22:05:45
In reply to Re: can anyone help me find whats real? triggering » sienna, posted by Dinah on March 16, 2003, at 21:57:44
I guess imjust looking for second opinion cuz he says imjust sick ill my brain doesnt work right. last nite that pdoc says to take klonopin so i wont be as scared but arent you scared for a reason becuase there is danger and it isnt safe and the psych nurse says to walk to exercis e a dn that will make it less scary but theres no safe place for walking there trying to find me.
i will call him tomorrow but i have talked to him recently he says all i can do is take risperdal but im taking it and im still scared so can it not be psychotic. i believe him kind of put part of me will never believe him because maybe he doesnt know about these things. i think they can read my midn and track me and i think that they can find me and they know when i am outside adn they can find me when im not safe so i have to work so hard to never be in theses dark places beacuse its not safe. he doesnt think its so ,b ut how does anyonme know what the truth is? its like god, how are we supposed to know whatsre al if so many peopla re disgreeing about it. i just want things to be scientific. how do i kow which is real?
Posted by sienna on March 16, 2003, at 22:07:40
In reply to Re: can anyone help me find whats real? triggering, posted by sienna on March 16, 2003, at 22:05:45
if eel like i cant keep calling them i am being a pain in the ass and if i make them mad they are going to do somethign to me. i need them to he,p me i need them to not be upset with me i cant risk have them get upset and not help me cuz im sinking.
Posted by Dinah on March 17, 2003, at 1:27:37
In reply to p.s., posted by sienna on March 16, 2003, at 22:07:40
I think we're all afraid of pushing too hard with our helpers, Sienna. We're all afraid that we'll burn them out, or that they'll think we're too much trouble. But I also think we need to remind ourselves that that *is* their job, and I'm sure they are professionals who know how to do their job. When is your next scheduled appointment? Are you feeling a lot worse now than the last time you saw him? If so it's important for him to know.
I think you should probably trust your doctor on what's real and what isn't more than you should trust us, however good our intentions. That's one of the limitations of the internet. Your doctor knows you, knows your history, and your circumstances, in a way that we just can't.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
Posted by sienna on March 17, 2003, at 1:45:49
In reply to Re: p.s. » sienna, posted by Dinah on March 17, 2003, at 1:27:37
dinah an angel
i see pdoc tuesday more medcheck medcheck "justtakemorerisperdalyourllbefine"
halfhour checkin
then but the emergency room psych tell me they have my social worker call me my t is in spain by the water i can talk someone tomorrow if i cna just make it that far, i guess i should believbe my doctor but why....how do i know hes not lying to me or he just doesntnt
know what im talkign about.how does anyone know what to believe? IM not sure anything is real. im not cut yet im not but it hurts not doing it. i feel like im floating away. i dont know what to do to make it through to tomorrow. for now im just sorry.
im sorry i write so much today and stupid stuff too takeing up space and breathging to much
i wish i could erase me just for a hour.
Posted by Dr Eamerz on March 17, 2003, at 2:04:44
In reply to tuesday tuesday, posted by sienna on March 17, 2003, at 1:45:49
Hi Sienna...
Don't worry bout writing too much here if it helps , then tommorrow-Tuesday you will be safe..having someone to talk to.
Posted by sienna on March 17, 2003, at 2:08:00
In reply to Re: tuesday tuesday » sienna, posted by Dr Eamerz on March 17, 2003, at 2:04:44
thanx dreamerz it is helpign even though its i feel bad. i dont know what elsse to do and most people are sleeping now. i have to deal i cant fix anything right now i cant call anyone but is hard.
Posted by daizy on March 17, 2003, at 6:59:14
In reply to can anyone help me find whats real? triggering, posted by sienna on March 16, 2003, at 21:44:15
> went to ER last nite because i thought i was dying but i wasnt dying but they all looked at me funny and reading my mind. and i watched to see whether each person could and some could and some coulndnt. but then when they wanted to put the cardiogram thingie on me i didnt want take of fmy clothes because last time they took me to a psych ward. they said i had to take off my shirt but i said dont touch me but i took it off and i put the things on and the gown but my jacket over it.
>
> then the doctor came said my cardigram is normal and listened to me breathihng i said im not takeing off my clothes and then listened more. and put one hand on my back and other on my chest and pushed to see if it hurt but it didnt but it scared me and i didnt want them to touch me just make sure im not dying. then they called the psych on call and i talk to him on the phone.
>
> I didnt want to tell him much becuase i think that if i tell then the guy who hurt me knows i am saying something because he can hear me talking and knows im telling and then he will kill me and i guess thats not real but how do you know if its real or not., cuz it feels real and i told the psch dr. that and he kept saying to tell him so i told him what happened of getting raped and telling will make it happen again because it always seems to and its forever linked for me. but he asked me did it happen beofre
>
> im scared to tell him but i did tell him yes and hes aiys when and i tell him of when i was 8 - 10 and it happend then when i waws 13 and my bf was 19 and it happened then for 3 years again when i was 19 walking home from a party. hate new orleans bittersweet sick beautiful place. now im scared they are coming to kill me and break into my house. i didnt tell him all of the times because all of them arent rape and i dont know what is right and wrong anymore. its so confusing
>
> something is wrong with me. the poison inside me and its like whatever i did i am still being punished and im supposed to just take it because im did it to myself but i dont know if that is real or not. and it makes me want to cut and feel and bleed but i cant.Hey Sienna, I know how you are feeling, just hope it has eased off a bit, hang in there till tomorrow. As long as you tell your doc everything, I have trouble doing that for fear of what they will think of me so I keep it all in, it just makes it worse. I totally dont feel right yet, these AD's have made everyhting seem sunny again yet I still feel sad, I feel like ive just woken up from a bad dream and everything in it actually happened so how can I just forget it, like I feel like a bit of a fool for some of the stuff I did like trips to ER ect... and no one has said why it happened, I just dont believe that its just because of anxiety... I feel like everyone knows what Ive done, something in me is saying stay inside, or everyone will know how stupid you are, so I dont go out... I dont know what it is... I dont know whats real.. Anyways, let me know how you get on, good luck...
Posted by Dinah on March 17, 2003, at 8:10:13
In reply to tuesday tuesday, posted by sienna on March 17, 2003, at 1:45:49
Did you make it through the night ok? Today you can call your social worker, right?
Posted by sienna on March 17, 2003, at 11:20:49
In reply to Re: can anyone help me find whats real? triggering, posted by daizy on March 17, 2003, at 6:59:14
hi daizy
i have cat name daisy. cutes thing ever sunshiine. i know what you mean im scared to go out to and they say to go wallk somewhere 20 minutes a day like there is somewhere safe to go walk to. i try just walk up and down my stairs for twenty minutes but puts me in a trancce. i dont know if i can tell my doc everything. im scared. i make it through to day though and my social worker will call me. i see my pdoc tomorrow hopeuflly he doesnt put me in psych hospital or give me poison. thanks for writing. its nice to feel heard.
sienna i hope you are feeling ok
Posted by sienna on March 17, 2003, at 11:23:26
In reply to Re: tuesday tuesday » sienna, posted by Dinah on March 17, 2003, at 8:10:13
dinahs a angel
hello im here its monday i slept my socaial worker will call. it all seemed like a dream but it was real. i didnt do anythihngwrong. now im just waiting and wondering what they are talking about if the dr from the er will tell them what i said and who can hear that.
thank for writing me here. im glad were alive.
sienna
Posted by Dinah on March 17, 2003, at 11:27:05
In reply to monday monday dinah, posted by sienna on March 17, 2003, at 11:23:26
Posted by daizy on March 17, 2003, at 12:35:09
In reply to Re: can anyone help me find whats real? triggering, posted by sienna on March 17, 2003, at 11:20:49
> hi daizy
> i have cat name daisy. cutes thing ever sunshiine. i know what you mean im scared to go out to and they say to go wallk somewhere 20 minutes a day like there is somewhere safe to go walk to. i try just walk up and down my stairs for twenty minutes but puts me in a trancce. i dont know if i can tell my doc everything. im scared. i make it through to day though and my social worker will call me. i see my pdoc tomorrow hopeuflly he doesnt put me in psych hospital or give me poison. thanks for writing. its nice to feel heard.
> sienna i hope you are feeling okBe strong, try not to worry about the doctors, they have your best interests at heart, Im also telling myself this! please let me know how things go, I will also let you know how I go.. *hugs*
Posted by sienna on March 17, 2003, at 15:33:59
In reply to Re: can anyone help me find whats real? triggering, posted by daizy on March 17, 2003, at 12:35:09
I m styaing ok. now. how are you?
Posted by daizy on March 18, 2003, at 4:56:28
In reply to Re: can anyone help me find whats real? triggering, posted by sienna on March 17, 2003, at 15:33:59
> I m styaing ok. now. how are you?
Ive woken up today feeling almost normal, which is a drag really because I know I have to go to the docs, and I will end up sayig everything is fine, when I know its really not..... Let us know how the docs go! :-)
Posted by sienna on March 18, 2003, at 11:03:12
In reply to Re: can anyone help me find whats real? triggering, posted by daizy on March 18, 2003, at 4:56:28
daizy what does it feel like to feel normal. maybe i am normal but normal isnt what i thought it was or something. i will write when i come home from my pdocs. you see your docs today too.
Posted by daizy on March 18, 2003, at 14:35:44
In reply to Re: can anyone help me find whats real? triggering, posted by sienna on March 18, 2003, at 11:03:12
> daizy what does it feel like to feel normal. maybe i am normal but normal isnt what i thought it was or something. i will write when i come home from my pdocs. you see your docs today too.
I dont know how it feels to feel normal, only what I think it feels like but I know Im wrong, see thats the state of confusion Im in at the moment!!! Like when I said I felt normal, it felt like I used to feel when I was ok, but I also know that Im not Ok, do you get me? OOh, im goin to stop trying to descibe it because I cant, its impossible, and I have a bad head today anyway! I see my on on day after.. How did your apointment go?
Posted by sienna on March 18, 2003, at 19:03:06
In reply to Re: can anyone help me find whats real? triggering, posted by daizy on March 18, 2003, at 14:35:44
Hi
that make sense to me.
I saw my pdoc and social worker today. Wow i must be a mess i have to do a IOP program its intensive outpatient have to go there 4 days a week. i told them i have school during some of that timeand which should i do and they said IOP. they say im having a meltdown.
like butter i guess. i now im falling apart but i guess i dont know really how to fix it maybe they do know how to fix it. they are really nice to me but i think they are mad at me i feel like its my fault that im not getting better but i was getting better then i got worse.i dont know. they let me read my chart though cuz i wanted to read it. it says they think i may be have to go on disability permanently. and that i have poor reality testing and am in denial.
i don tknow. i dont know its only for two weeks this program. oh they increased my meds and added depakote. i hope that it works.
i hop eyou are doing ok daizy. i love your name.
sienna
Posted by syringachalet on March 20, 2003, at 12:32:30
In reply to daizy, posted by sienna on March 18, 2003, at 19:03:06
Hello Sienna,
Sorry I havent had the chance to meet you and
to try to be here for you to help with all
this stuff you are going through. The other posters here have given you some very good
ideas and great support..as usual.
But it still really sounds like youre pretty overwhelmed.You might not be too sure about this IOP program but for now it sounds like a really good idea.
I work as a RNC psych rehab nurse in an OP program and it is really the best option for a person in crisis who needs immediate face-to-face help but doesnt have the resources for an expensive in-patient stay.
I know it took great courage to share how
fearful and confused you have been about
what you have been experiencing.
I also know from first hand that it is so difficult to help someone who is so upset
that they cant allow a through physical exam
to find out what is causing them to feel so bad.
I have PTSD myself and it is still difficult for me too.I have had clients who had anxiety attacks
severe enough they thought they were have
a heart attack.Please DO make a point to attend EVERY day of your IOP. Having that in your life, even if
only for two weeks, will help you start
getting some kind of daily routine back.It will help you have something to look
forward to and a place that you can share your feels with a chosen few and hopefully your
meds will kick in and help you feel calmer.Most of my clients tell me that their AD/AA meds help their'rational part of their brains catch up with their emotional and make them both work together'..even if it is a little slower..to make better decisions on a day-to-day basis.
Also it would probably wise not to make any
big decisions in your life right now ( money, selling big items) until you have this crisis situation under better control.You got plenty to do right now to get your
head straigthened out and its going to take
most of the time and energy you have right now.I sure you already know you need this time to
get things calmed down so you will be better
able to focus on and problem solve through those other things you mentioned you have going on in your life.Please keep posting and know we ALL care.
Safe cyber-hug when its OK.
syringachalet
Posted by sienna on March 20, 2003, at 14:38:49
In reply to Re: daizy, posted by syringachalet on March 20, 2003, at 12:32:30
hi
thanks so much for writng. i have orientation for the IOP today. i will go and ill make sure i go everyday. today i woke up 2 hours late somehow and missed my first class at school but made my second somehow. i increased my meds so thats probably why.i am holding it together somewhat but the war increase my anxiety and fears a lot. Im sorry you have PTSD i dont know if thats what i have but my social worker says so. I am schizoaffective. BUt im not hearing voices so much as im am paranoid and scared. I am depressed some, but not like i was before. Mostly i am wound up and nervous.
I have been to the doctor where they give a phsycical exam and had it not scare me to bad, but sometimes i get really scared. Something bad happened a while back and so now i am scared of the doctors.
Also part of me thinks things are really dangerous and scary righ tnow and i have to *make* myself take my meds but i am scared that they are make me less aware and more sedated and unable to protect myself. So maybe ill learn more about htat at the IOP.
Its nice to meet you, i have seen you post a lot before and you are sweet.
I will write back and let everyone know what happens at the IOP orienattion.
thanks again for writing.
take care
sienna
Posted by noa on March 20, 2003, at 16:35:16
In reply to syringachalet, posted by sienna on March 20, 2003, at 14:38:49
Sienna, the war is scary, it's true. You are not alone in having it trigger your anxiety (and being anxious about the war is reality based, if that helps).
I find that limiting my exposure to the news is helpful--really it is essential for me. Too much exposure puts me in overload anxiety. Each of us should guage how much exposure, if any, we should have.
Posted by syringachalet on March 20, 2003, at 17:33:45
In reply to Re: syringachalet » sienna, posted by noa on March 20, 2003, at 16:35:16
Dear Noa,
You are so right. Watching too much of this info from the Situation in Iraq can cause undue anxiety and is really unhealthly for children and 'vulerable adults'.
I myself limit it to 5 or 10 mins every few hours or so when Im home.(Anything that is realy important will be announced a 100 times and the video replayed if you care to view it.)Noa is right. You should find your own 'comfort level.. if one can exist on this topic... and find other things to do even if thats cleaning closets or walking your dog.( My neighbors kid walks the old ladys dog who lives across the street because she cant and he cant have a dog because of their rental lease.)
Me, I just use bubble baths....and an occiasional Hershey bar...arent I naughty? LOL
syringachalet
Posted by sienna on March 20, 2003, at 18:30:30
In reply to Re: syringachalet » sienna, posted by noa on March 20, 2003, at 16:35:16
thats true noa
i should watch that. i just bought 3 different papers for today. and i recorded bushs speech and an hour of news last nite.
maybe i have a problem.Ill try to not read or watch too much. i have to have some exposure to it, but i can tryt o not have too much.
sienna
Posted by sienna on March 20, 2003, at 18:31:55
In reply to Re: syringachalet, posted by syringachalet on March 20, 2003, at 17:33:45
i do thte bubble bath and hershey bar thing too. actually and also fancy coffee drinks which is probalby not the best for my anxiety. but it also helps me stay focused and awake since im on so much medsit feels like.
the IOP went ok. it was just orientation. i start the real IOP tomororow.
tkae care
sienna
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