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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Rach on March 21, 2002, at 5:53:26
How do you stop lying? I do things that I am ashamed of, like not turn up to job interviews, or miss prearranged meetings, and I always manage to think of an excellent fact based excuse as to why I didn't make it (other than the honest truth). It started off as just being a thing with job interviews and the like with strangers, but I'm finding it happening a bit now with friends and family. It's a perpetual circle, because I feel ashamed for what I did, so I lie, and then I feel worse because I have lied. And I can't stop lying, and I'm getting so good at it that it happens before I realise it, and it is just the easiest way out of things.
How do I stop it? How do I come clean without alienating people? I hate it so much that I lie. None of it is really any large deception that will change anybody's life, but it's still deception and I hate it. But I can't seem to stop it.
Posted by beardedlady on March 21, 2002, at 6:29:07
In reply to Lying, posted by Rach on March 21, 2002, at 5:53:26
Lying is one of those things that fall into the either/or category. Either you do, or you don't. As a rule, I don't (though I lied to the mortgage company once when I forgot a payment). In fact, if I do, I usually feel so guilty I have to confess. So I just don't.
I think the moment of truth (no pun intended) came when I told the truth about why I didn't show up for school. I realized that the truth is usually perfectly acceptable. Most people have been through everything we've been through and understand all the human feelings--shame, laziness, sloth, fatigue, fear, love, anger, hatred, spring fever, etc.
Since you don't like to lie and don't want to lie, maybe you should start with the next situation that would normally get a lie out of you, and tell the truth instead. ("I am so sorry I missed the meeting. It was one of those days when I couldn't find my keys, I ripped my shirt on a broken doorknob, I left the house without my wallet and had to drive all the way back, and then I collapsed on the bed crying. I hope we can reschedule." I used this one because a form of it happened to me, and I got out of paying the doctor's fee you have to pay if you don't cancel before 24 hours.)
I hope it works for you.
beardy : )>
Posted by Zo on March 21, 2002, at 15:00:33
In reply to Lying, posted by Rach on March 21, 2002, at 5:53:26
I wouldn't "come clean" about past lies, but instead just start with something small, not lying. It would help to know, are you trying to handle social occasions, like not reveal your illness. or what.
If it's knowing what to say and still maintain your privacy, there is a way to gracefully not reveal--and not lie either.
How old are you? I used to lie as a way of running my own life better than my inattentive parents could. . .
Zo
Posted by Rach on March 21, 2002, at 16:46:04
In reply to Re: Lying » Rach, posted by Zo on March 21, 2002, at 15:00:33
> I wouldn't "come clean" about past lies, but instead just start with something small, not lying. It would help to know, are you trying to handle social occasions, like not reveal your illness. or what.
>
> If it's knowing what to say and still maintain your privacy, there is a way to gracefully not reveal--and not lie either.
>> How old are you? I used to lie as a way of running my own life better than my inattentive parents could. . .
>
> ZoSometimes it's to people who know about the depression, but I don't want to reveal that that is what is going on, sometimes it is to people who don't know, and who I don't want to know.
I'm 21, but I don't live at home anymore. In fact, I live alone, and that makes it easier to lie.
Posted by Gracie2 on March 22, 2002, at 19:46:47
In reply to Re: Lying, posted by Rach on March 21, 2002, at 16:46:04
I have been through your situation exactly, although not quite so young as you, I started to alienate myself from my family and friends when it all got to be too much for me. I wanted more time with my husband and son and less time with friends, who were very demanding with my time, and the rest of my family, especially my mother, who was in the habit of arranging my time as it suited her. At first I told lies because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings but eventually I grew out of that because I didn't like to lie, either. I simply started to say, "I'm sorry, but I have other plans" or "I'm busy that day" and refused to go any further. If they pressed me for an explaination I would sound slightly irritated and say something like, "Listen, I do have a life of my own" which is usually enough to make other people back off. There were a few people that kept insisting on backing me into a corner, including my mother and a friend I had known since about 4th grade, and I found this intolerable. Sad to say I don't speak to either of them anymore...I felt very guilty for awhile, but I had given them both ample opportunity, explaining over and over again that I needed more time to myself and didn't like their insistant daily phone calls and the other pressure they laid on me.
Of course, job interviews are in a completely different class...if you want the job, then you have to come up with a good excuse to reschedule. Otherwise, it is none of their business.
Gracie
Posted by Phil on March 22, 2002, at 20:17:20
In reply to Re: Lying, posted by Gracie2 on March 22, 2002, at 19:46:47
Everybody on the planet lies. At least little white lies or the worst, withholding information.Probably around 50% of the people you lie to know that you're lying.
I've been around compulsive liars and I never could figure out what they were doing it for. Everyone knew these people told lies like breathing air.
We are in recovery for depression whether we know it or not. Recovery means being honest with yourself and others. I just got out of a relationship where I was lied to more than once. It hurts people and it hurts your self-perception. That will make your depression worse. Also, remembering what you told whom, means your memory better be sharp.
If you can't stop on your own, get help.
Aim to live a life of integrity and honesty.
There's something much deeper going on with you than just telling whoppers. Get help. Or, of course, go into politics.
Posted by KB on March 23, 2002, at 9:30:14
In reply to Re: Lying Rach, posted by Phil on March 22, 2002, at 20:17:20
I used to lie a lot when I was younger - I think it started as a way of protecting myself from my mother and then became a habit to avoid facing potentially unpleasant things.
Now I generaly opt for silence -if I'm late for work, I just walk in confidently, sit down and sstart to work without making a big deal of it or saying anything. Of course this strategy only works if nobody directly asks you.
As far as lying about your depression, I think that's a little different - you have an absolute right not to share such personal information with everyone - I think minor lying in this area as in "how are you?" "I'm fine" when you're not is more of a social convention than a lie. In more meaningful situations you can tell people that you don't want to talk about it. you can also practice the art of distraction - if you get the person talking about themselves before they have a chance to ask you anything, they often forget.
Posted by trouble on March 23, 2002, at 15:29:26
In reply to Re: Lying Rach, posted by KB on March 23, 2002, at 9:30:14
Why do compulsive liars lie? I know people who say they have cancer when they don't, that their brother died in Vietnam when he was never there, that their cat was pregnant when it wasn't, that they lived in Arizona for a year when they didn't, that they once owned a Dodge Dart and had a pair of red high heels, and had to get a wart removed when they were nine, met Regis Philbin, and the mail didn't come today, and they had a capuccino maker, and read the Great Gatsby when they were in college but they never went to college, and simply (hah!) simply none of it was true, none of it seemed to be a cry for admiration (a Dodge Dart?! Regis Philbin?) and y'know, I'm pretty tolerant and patient, but when I meet this unusual life form I just can't connect and tend to drift away. Any cues out there as to what's motivating these perplexers?
All I can come up with is imagination run amok with no other outlet, but it damages relationships so there must be more to it.Ponderingly,
trouble
Posted by Shar on March 23, 2002, at 18:58:16
In reply to Phil's onto something here, posted by trouble on March 23, 2002, at 15:29:26
I am a big fan of not revealing to someone what is none of their business. That does not seem to be all that popular in our culture, as there seems to be a huge emphasis on explaining ourselves and providing reasons for things...when it isn't necessary.
If someone wants me to do something I don't want to do there is nothing wrong with me saying "I'm afraid I can't make it." (Yes, the truth fanatics will say 'it isn't a matter of can't it is a matter of won't' which technically may be true, but doesn't matter to me.)
If I am late to work, it doesn't really matter why. I take the consequences. I say "yes, I'm late." Or, "yes, I understand I'm late." Then my 30 lashes. If I've been sick, I use sick leave (I am actually unemployed right now, so this is based on past experience.)
I make every effort to avoid lying. Usually it's as simple as not talking too much, not providing reasons or excuses for what I've done. In the worst case, people may just want to hear you talk, and content doesn't matter that much. Like, to my boss, 'yes, I understand I'm late. Was traffic just awful on your way in this morning?' Or, I might sincerely say 'I can't believe I'm late, I feel just awful about it! I hope this didn't put you in a bind. Did it create a problem for you?' Then usually people are talking, because they'd much rather talk about themselves over me any day. Also, people usually don't like to ask "why can't you go" or "why are you late" so if the info isn't volunteered the topic fizzles.
I am honest about important things, based on my definition of important. I am not into honesty for "honesty's sake." Someone said, the man who is brutally honest enjoys the brutality as much as the honesty. I forgot who said that, but I really like it.
Let me repeat, I am not advocating lying. I make every effort not to lie. OTOH, I don't give people unneeded info about me or my life. If pushed, I am more likely to tell the truth than to lie. However, I have been known to lie, and these days it is a conscious choice if I do it.
This is the end of the thread.
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