![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by annalaura on July 2, 2001, at 18:22:58
I'm sick and tired of wearing the "everything- it's -fine" mask every single day.
I'm sick and tired of listening to the other people problems when nobody is listening to me.
I'm tired of lying to friends, always finding an excuse for not going out/hanging out with them.
I'm tired of smiling. I wish i could scream, i wish i could tell everybody i'm sick.
But i can't, because nobody seems to understand what i'm going through. It's always the same old story : if you have a physical problem, then everybody cares, you're understood, if you suffer from a mental illness you're being judged for having a " weak character" or being self-indulgent, childlish etc...I challenge those people to feel just a single day how i feel; i used to be a brave, bold person, i used to tell jokes, make people laugh, make people feel better, i used to have a huge energy, i used to walk miles and miles every day, throughout the city, excited by anything going on. I was content of being alive, i was grateful to life.
When i entered the tunnel i was twenty-one, i'm 32 and still in and spotting no light whatsoever; still, i keep going, not knowing why. Perhaps i'm a coward, not brave enough to kill myself.
I'm not afraid of death, i'm afraid to keep on experiencing this hell after death.
My parents don't know anything, thinking i'm doing fine; my neighbours don't even imagine what lies at the very bottom of my eyes. I learned so well to conceal depression that i forgive myself of being sick sometimes.
I wish i could express my hopelesness and my rage for being sick.
I pretend i'm o.k. all the day through instead, and i'm sick and tired of this.
I'm sick and tired of false hopes knocking inside my head when i fail to feel better (next year will be fine, you'll see, you just need to find the right cure, you just need to be thinking positive, you gotta change negative thoughts/patterns and everything will be fine etc...). The truth is that i have no control of this monster.
I'm sick and tired of deceiving myself with false promises, just because i'm afraid of facing the truth. The truth is that i've been depressed for ten years so far, the truth is that until a few years ago i could still enjoy sex ,friendship, or love. Now i barely feel alive.
The truth is that depression slowly eroded my old self, day by day, year by year: five years ago i was half the person i used to be, now i don't even know who i am; depression robbed me of my ideals, took away my youth, leaving just a shadow of the lively, exuberant, flamboyant person i used to be. Yes, this is how i feel: a shadow, a ghost who obstinately believes in the adult conspiracy you gotta resist, who wear the same mask every single day before going out, and hang it on a wall going in at the end of the day. Sometimes i regret my former pdoc saved me years ago when i was psychotic; yes, i felt terrible, but still in the bath of life somehow.
Yes, i survived that horror but now there is only ashes after the fire. I regret that horror, believe me.
Sometimes i tell myself I'd been better off not knowing what was going to follow: years of dullness and void and the mourning for the lost of my ideals that were the most important thing in my life. I whish i had delivered myself blindfolded to an interrupted day, when i was still
young and my life had some meaning.
Posted by kazoo on July 3, 2001, at 0:49:00
In reply to Why should i go on?, posted by annalaura on July 2, 2001, at 18:22:58
> I'm sick and tired of wearing the "everything- it's -fine" mask every single day.
^^^^^^^^^^
Then take it off and allow others to see that person underneath the mask ... let them see the "real" you. Do you think they will like what they "see"? Don't base your peace of mind in making others happy. This never works.
> I'm sick and tired of listening to the other people problems when nobody is listening to me.
^^^^^^^^^^
As I'm sure they're equally "sick and tired" of listening to you; however, you're missing the real beauty of this. By listening to others, you can understand yourself better ... and you'll be doing a kind of "dual-service": helping yourself while helping others. Isn't that wonderful? Isn't that what it's all about?
> I'm tired of lying to friends, always finding an excuse for not going out/hanging out with them.
^^^^^^^^^^
Then seek out those who do what you do, or want to do, but remember: you reap what you sow.
> I'm tired of smiling. I wish i could scream, i wish i could tell everybody i'm sick.
^^^^^^^^^^
In Anatomy 101 at UCONN, I learned that you use less energy to smile because the act itself involves less facial muscular movement. Screaming doesn't become you, my dear, nor anyone else.
> ... i'm 32
^^^^^^^^^^
Just 32 and already "sick and tired." This is not good but this can change if you want it to. Stand fast!(PERSONAL SIDE NOTE: find out why it's always "sick and tired" and never "tired and sick.")
You have the gift of being alive during the most incredible period of human history ... have you ever wondered why you were "chosen" to be alive at this particular time, sitting in front of a cathode-ray tube reading a message from a "kazoo"?
Seize the time and relish it.
"Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death." Auntie Mame
k-a-z-00
Posted by sar on July 3, 2001, at 1:06:58
In reply to Why should i go on?, posted by annalaura on July 2, 2001, at 18:22:58
Hey, baby.
I understood your e-mail very well...your descriptions so vividly match what I've felt in myself for so long that I wish you were here with me right now, 'cos I'd pour you a bottle of port wine and bring you a blanket and a shoulder to cry on.
Unfortunately, this is the technofuckinlogical phase, but no, thank god for computers & this site.
Are you on medication? Do you see a psychologist? Do you have a significant other to help you through this?
One day a couple of months ago I was at a shopping mall, hairy-legged and worn out, unbathed, watching the gold-haired shoppers whiz by in Steve Maddens and I wanted to run up to everyone and scream "I'M GOING TO DIE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO! HOW CAN THIS GO ON? I HURT..."
I'm scared for you, Anna Laura. It's extremely difficult to function or see any light when feeling so hollow and hopeless. Is there anything that makes you feel better? Driving, walking, singing? A few months ago, after tearing myself to shreds in my mind all day for a year, I went on a long stoned drive and made myself speak aloud for 20 minutes or so about Good Things. not furry kittens and cupcakes or any of that shit, but trying to recall the most positive events of my life--getting in to the college I most wanted to go to, my accepting nature, blah blah blah...it's tough. I'd have never been able to do it sober, but it turned out to be quite self-indulgently fun.
I am SUCH a self-help book waiting to happen. Lawdy lawd.
(puking)
I don't know you or what you like to do, but I want to share with you something that's helped me--other people. Not necessarily going out with them, calling them up etc, but at my job I have to interact with alot of customers and--well, some of them are so funny they just make me grin so much, especially the shy children and funny old men.
People who don't understand mental illness don't understand mental illness, and I feel sorry for the shortsighted ones because they've cut themselves off from an entire range of human feeling--not that anyone *wants* to be depresst (hells no) but understanding the nature of the beast is part of understanding humanity.
i feel like i'm getting too port-winely philosophical, and klonopin is making me an optimistic idiot.
Have you the money and time for a vacation? If you do, maybe it would help to see the beach or mountains or fancy stores or haystacks or whatever else you dig...
I'm going on and on because I relate to your post so much, Anna Laura, and I wish you the best. You don't have to hide as much as you do, I'd think...depression is the "common cold of mental illnesses"...some people around you might be experiencing soemthing similar. I recently made the decision to tell my closest friends and parents that I'm crazy-anxious-depressed, and I'm so surprised what good has come of it. I wouldn't tell just anyone, only the ones I know who are true to me, but friends are friends are friends...and family is family, man. I don't know about your family, but mine have been incredibly supportive. These are people who abused & neglected me the entire time I was growing up, but now they're paying off my speeding tickets, psych bills, etc etc.
I wish the best for you, babe. Please keep posting. Can you tell more? What do you thinki is at the root of your depression? (A myriad of things, I'm sure, but you know that you're in a safe, supportive, fairly anonymous environment, so I hope you'll share.)
Take care.
sar
Posted by annalaura on July 3, 2001, at 4:24:59
In reply to Re: Why should i go on?...because you want to. » annalaura, posted by kazoo on July 3, 2001, at 0:49:00
> > I'm sick and tired of wearing the "everything- it's -fine" mask every single day.
> ^^^^^^^^^^
> Then take it off and allow others to see that person underneath the mask ... let them see the "real" you. Do you think they will like what they "see"? Don't base your peace of mind in making others happy. This never works.
>
> I'm sick and tired of wearing the "everything- it's -fine" mask every single day.
^^^^^^^^^^
Then take it off and allow others to see that person underneath the mask ... let them see the "real" you. Do you think they will like what they "see"? Don't base your peace of mind in making others happy. This never works.I'm not scared to reveal my real self: thanks god i'm not an adolescent anymore. I'm comfortable about myself not wearing the mask 'cause i learned to accept myself.
The point i was trying to make was that since people don't understand mental illness, they usually bother you with phrases like :"It's because , you're weak/childlish" etc.., and i don't want to hear that c*** anymore, would you?> > I'm sick and tired of listening to the other people problems when nobody is listening to me.
> ^^^^^^^^^^
> As I'm sure they're equally "sick and tired" of listening to you; however, you're missing the real beauty of this. By listening to others, you can understand yourself better ... and you'll be doing a kind of "dual-service": helping yourself while helping others. Isn't that wonderful? Isn't that what it's all about?
>
No way pal, they're not sick and tired of listening to me 'cause i'm regarded as being a supportive person in my community; The problem is that sometimes people are taking this for granted and come to me and talk just about their problems : yes, it's probablly my fault, this happens because i let it happen, but nonetheless, i don't have any feed-back on my problems, and this is definetely not my fault/provoked by me. The truth is that too often people are taking advantage of you: i personally think i'm way long for being perfect, i have a lot of flaws (i'm a human being), but i don't take advantage of people that way, may be because i learned humanity trough the depression experience like Sar said. If you're still believing all people are good, well wake up and get out from your golden dream: this is real life.
>
> > I'm tired of lying to friends, always finding an excuse for not going out/hanging out with them.
> ^^^^^^^^^^
> Then seek out those who do what you do, or want to do, but remember: you reap what you sow.I didn't understand this reply, may be because you didn't understand the point i was trying to make. Or may be you should take a deeeep breath and rest a while. Consider this: your rage is suggesting you what to say, pal.
>
> > I'm tired of smiling. I wish i could scream, i wish i could tell everybody i'm sick.
> ^^^^^^^^^^
> In Anatomy 101 at UCONN, I learned that you use less energy to smile because the act itself involves less facial muscular movement. Screaming doesn't become you, my dear, nor anyone else.
>I'm glad you studied anatomy, still, i don't see the point, my friend.
You know, i studied anatomy of the nervous system and i learned that a little gland inside your head called amygdala which belongs to the ancient part of the brain, the lymbic system (the prehistoric man brain, essentially) is controlling the rage reactions : may be yours is swollen, probablly because you have been using it too much.> > ... i'm 32
> ^^^^^^^^^^
> Just 32 and already "sick and tired." This is not good but this can change if you want it to. Stand fast!
>
"You can control it just because you want to": the same old song! This is just a myth. Last winter i was getting psychotic again, felt my legs were made of plastic. If i swallowed some food i would puke right after that: try to control this if you can, pal. May be you have never been that sick: lucky you.
> (PERSONAL SIDE NOTE: find out why it's always "sick and tired" and never "tired and sick.")
>
PERSONAL SIDE NOTE: english is not my language, posting from oversea, didn't get this, sorry.> You have the gift of being alive during the most incredible period of human history ... have you ever wondered why you were "chosen" to be alive at this particular time, sitting in front of a cathode-ray tube reading a message from a "kazoo"?
>
Why is this period of history supposed to be so attractive? We're destroying our natural environment, and the first world is full of selfish little bastards not giving a damn about poor people laying in the streets. Ther's an epidemy out there of an illness called AIDS: one out of ten is suffering from that in Africa, my ex-fianceé caught the virus. I've been watching people die man; but perhaps you're wearing pink glasses or having been taking too much ecstasy to realize this world is flushing itself down the toilet?As far as the reading Kazoo is concerned, he was supposed to be a little bit more supportive than that. He 's being the devil advocate using the very same arguments of the beast i'm trying to defeat.
And, no, i'm no way lucky for receiving this post: now i feel worse than i was before.
> Seize the time and relish it.Yes, CARPE DIEM : just supermarket philosophy for tiny little brains. I've been trying to tame the beast for a decade and the CARPE DIEM philosophy didn't help much, especially if you're anhedonic and not feeling anything whatsoever. What are you supposed to catch? What else beyond your own boredom?
>
> "Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death." Auntie Mame
>
> k-a-z-00
>
>
Yes, once upon a time my life was a banquet too.... ( Read "a season in hell" by Arthur Rimbaud, may be you'd benefit from it) I used to say that too. It seems like centuries ago, when i believed that the banquet of life was at my reach and i just needed to catch it.I just needed to unbosom myself by expressing my pessimism, which was temporary anyway, most of the times i fight and fight: i'm not thinking about death every single moment of my life. I've learned from your post i can't do that instead; i just wanted to reveal my inner thoughts, to unleash, let myself go, throwing the mask away: now i realize gotta be wearing the mask instead, while sitting in front of a cathode-ray tube reading a message from Kazoo.
Anna Laura
Posted by annalaura on July 3, 2001, at 5:46:11
In reply to Re: Why should i go on?, posted by sar on July 3, 2001, at 1:06:58
> Hey, baby.
>
> I understood your e-mail very well...your descriptions so vividly match what I've felt in myself for so long that I wish you were here with me right now, 'cos I'd pour you a bottle of port wine and bring you a blanket and a shoulder to cry on.
>
> Unfortunately, this is the technofuckinlogical phase, but no, thank god for computers & this site.
>
> Are you on medication? Do you see a psychologist? Do you have a significant other to help you through this?
>
> One day a couple of months ago I was at a shopping mall, hairy-legged and worn out, unbathed, watching the gold-haired shoppers whiz by in Steve Maddens and I wanted to run up to everyone and scream "I'M GOING TO DIE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO! HOW CAN THIS GO ON? I HURT..."
>
> I'm scared for you, Anna Laura. It's extremely difficult to function or see any light when feeling so hollow and hopeless. Is there anything that makes you feel better? Driving, walking, singing? A few months ago, after tearing myself to shreds in my mind all day for a year, I went on a long stoned drive and made myself speak aloud for 20 minutes or so about Good Things. not furry kittens and cupcakes or any of that shit, but trying to recall the most positive events of my life--getting in to the college I most wanted to go to, my accepting nature, blah blah blah...it's tough. I'd have never been able to do it sober, but it turned out to be quite self-indulgently fun.
>
> I am SUCH a self-help book waiting to happen. Lawdy lawd.
>
> (puking)
>
> I don't know you or what you like to do, but I want to share with you something that's helped me--other people. Not necessarily going out with them, calling them up etc, but at my job I have to interact with alot of customers and--well, some of them are so funny they just make me grin so much, especially the shy children and funny old men.
>
> People who don't understand mental illness don't understand mental illness, and I feel sorry for the shortsighted ones because they've cut themselves off from an entire range of human feeling--not that anyone *wants* to be depresst (hells no) but understanding the nature of the beast is part of understanding humanity.
>
> i feel like i'm getting too port-winely philosophical, and klonopin is making me an optimistic idiot.
>
> Have you the money and time for a vacation? If you do, maybe it would help to see the beach or mountains or fancy stores or haystacks or whatever else you dig...
>
> I'm going on and on because I relate to your post so much, Anna Laura, and I wish you the best. You don't have to hide as much as you do, I'd think...depression is the "common cold of mental illnesses"...some people around you might be experiencing soemthing similar. I recently made the decision to tell my closest friends and parents that I'm crazy-anxious-depressed, and I'm so surprised what good has come of it. I wouldn't tell just anyone, only the ones I know who are true to me, but friends are friends are friends...and family is family, man. I don't know about your family, but mine have been incredibly supportive. These are people who abused & neglected me the entire time I was growing up, but now they're paying off my speeding tickets, psych bills, etc etc.
>
> I wish the best for you, babe. Please keep posting. Can you tell more? What do you thinki is at the root of your depression? (A myriad of things, I'm sure, but you know that you're in a safe, supportive, fairly anonymous environment, so I hope you'll share.)
>
> Take care.
>
> sarI just wanted to say: thank you Sar.
I believe the root of my depression comes from child abuse: i was abused by my mother who whipped me every day with a belt, kept locked in inside a closet for hours, made me eat my vomit, etc.....
I grew oversensitive because of that, and as a young adult took wrong decisions, (ran away from home, married when i was 18), i was dealing with abusive people,(alcholics just like my mother) just repeating the trauma over and over again. When i finally understood what my problem was it was too late: strangely, after a wonderful year, the best of my life, during which i met the "right" people, i got depressed. I probably "stored" too much anguish and despair i guess. Even if i was experiencing good things from life, finally being fine, the "Pandora box" opened up no matter what, and i crushed down, a September morning of 1990. I woke up and i was another person. A few months later
i met a wonderful guy: we lived together for five years: he was very understanding/loving, replacing the role my mother never played: but sad thing to say, it WAS TOO LATE. He soothed my wounds, it's true, but they were way too deep to get totally cured i guess. Again, it was too late.
He made me mature though, and made me feel good in spite of the depression i suffered from: he was as sweet as a mother could be. The saddest thing of all is that he is very very sick (aids). I'm grieving over this, and this grief makes things worse; now it's more difficult than ever to shake this monster off my shoulders. He got meningitis, he risked to die; he recovered from that, but his personality changed abruptly: now he is another person. At times he's strangely euphoric, speed-talking, almost hypomanic.
Most of the times he's rude and mean: he's no longer the sweet person he used to be: i'm missing the person he used to be so terribly: at times this "loss" is driving me insane.
You asked me if i'm on medications: i'm currently taking amytryptiline, brand name Laroxyl (not sure if i spelled that right), levosulpiride (atypical antypsychotic like Amisulpride) and a compound called lymbitril which is a mixture of amytryptiline and a benzo.
They made me recover from the major psychotic depression bout i had last winter, but i'm still anhedonic (not feeling anything, not enjoying anything whatsoever).
As far as my parents/relatives are concerned, i have to conceal my depression because they tried to lock me up in to an asylum years ago. That's why i can't talk about my illness. My sister is the only one who cares.
The Mental Health Istitution have information about my "illness" (i got psychotic in 1993), i just can't afford showing any sign of discomfort (one of the reason why i gotta wear this mask). I can't afford doing what other people do when they're unleashing their rage/discomfort. If i scream on the streets or kick, let's say, a carbage can, and somebody calls the police, i end up being locked up in some state asylum.
My actual fianceé says i'm too paranoid about that, and that i'm exaggerating, still, it's difficult for me letting myself go. I don't want to harm anybody, just kicking things, shouting, express my discomfort, and it's bad to feel the constraint and the constant pressure i can't do that instead.
Well, that's all i guess.
Thanks againAnna Laura
Posted by Roo on July 3, 2001, at 7:57:42
In reply to Re: Why should i go on?...because you want to., posted by annalaura on July 3, 2001, at 4:24:59
Kazoo--
Just have to agree--I didn't think your post was
very supportive either. The last thing someone
who is depressed wants to hear is that "You have
control over your life--pull yourself up by your
bootstraps!" mentality. The whole feel I got from
your post was "cheer up! You're just feeling sorry
for yourself!". Not nice. It wouldn't have made me
feel better either. Just my 2 cents.
Posted by Marie1 on July 3, 2001, at 8:28:24
In reply to Why should i go on?, posted by annalaura on July 2, 2001, at 18:22:58
Most of us do understand. Keep posting...whatever you want to. It can be cathartic.
Marie
Posted by AKC on July 3, 2001, at 9:38:53
In reply to Why should i go on?, posted by annalaura on July 2, 2001, at 18:22:58
So in your shoes, but yet at this moment, I am at a different place in the journey. Just days ago I said to my therapist and my doctor that I could not keep going on, that I no longer had the energy. That the strength it took to put on that mask at work each day was too much. And the lack of friends. Those who said they understood, when confronted face on with my illness stood in judgment. Reading your post - I feel it deep inside.
I only respond in the hope that I can pass on a sliver of hope. Whatever miracle there is I am having a handful of good days - I am delighted of course - is it the meds, a product of the weather, my work in therapy, some alignment of the stars, a god I don't believe in finally giving me a god damn break? I don't know. I desparately need it to last. And I wish I could share it - especially with you - because I feel what you wrote so deeply.
I do hope you continue to go on - to hang on - I didn't see this coming - maybe it is there for you also. I know you deserve it.
Posted by annalaura on July 3, 2001, at 12:38:30
In reply to Re: Why should i go on? » annalaura, posted by AKC on July 3, 2001, at 9:38:53
> So in your shoes, but yet at this moment, I am at a different place in the journey. Just days ago I said to my therapist and my doctor that I could not keep going on, that I no longer had the energy. That the strength it took to put on that mask at work each day was too much. And the lack of friends. Those who said they understood, when confronted face on with my illness stood in judgment. Reading your post - I feel it deep inside.
>
> I only respond in the hope that I can pass on a sliver of hope. Whatever miracle there is I am having a handful of good days - I am delighted of course - is it the meds, a product of the weather, my work in therapy, some alignment of the stars, a god I don't believe in finally giving me a god damn break? I don't know. I desparately need it to last. And I wish I could share it - especially with you - because I feel what you wrote so deeply.
>
> I do hope you continue to go on - to hang on - I didn't see this coming - maybe it is there for you also. I know you deserve it.
Thank you AKC, thank you everybody.
After reading Kazoo post i was considering to leave the board. But then i read all of yours reply and made up my mind.Thanks again
Anna Laura
Posted by JennyR on July 3, 2001, at 19:56:09
In reply to Why should i go on?, posted by annalaura on July 2, 2001, at 18:22:58
I haven't read all the answers to your post, so I'm sorry if this might be redundant. I was wondering if you've tried meds. An episode of major depression shouldn't last as long as you describe. I can relate to your description, but when I get like that, my pdoc ups the meds or changes them. Also, I am trying in therapy to learn to restructure the nature of my relationships so they're not so one way where I'm always the giver and expect nothing. Have you read "Feeling Good?" That's a good cognitive therapy book, and it does have a lot of helpful things in it as does the Richard O'Connor book Undoing Depression. It's the duration of what you're describing that's of concern to me. Because even with no help, episodes are supposed to reach a point of remisssion. Are you/have you sought help? Meds, therapy, books, exercise, etc? They all really do help.
Posted by Adam on July 3, 2001, at 20:45:14
In reply to Re: Why should i go on? THANKS EVERYBODY, posted by annalaura on July 3, 2001, at 12:38:30
Anna,
I haven't been in your shoes. I've had some pretty bad things happen to me, but I would not insult you with an attempt at empathy for the injustices and misfortunes you have had to endure. It isn't fair, and it isn't right, and there's no use sugarcoating the issue.
This is not some kind of sob-story competition, or an attempt at victim cred. I guess I'll relate some things about my life to make what I wish to say understandable. My mother died when I was almost eight. My father used to smack me around quite a bit. I was the subject of near-constant abuse from many of my peers, and this made me feel lonely, and afraid, and sometimes quite hateful.
I did really hate life sometimes. I experienced both physical and mental pain that made living difficult to endure. I got to the point that I put myself in the hospital, I believe after a bad experience with a particular drug combination, so that I would not actually kill myself. I had, just prior to that, made a pretty sincere attempt, and was saved, I think, more by reflexes and pure fear than anything.
I gave up the mask, at that point. It was not my habit to act out in rage, but when I had a chance to be by myself with someone in the hospital, I wept my heart out until I was gasping for air. I bent over double and sobbed so hard I thought my ribs would split. At that point I asked, I think I begged for someone to please help me. Not like I had in any meeting with a therapist or any friend or relative. I was with a stranger, bent over, my arms wrapped around my head, gasping through gritted teeth something like "oh Jesus fucking Christ please God fucking help me" or thereabouts. I'm not even a Christian.
I think I just had to let myself fall to pieces and lie there in a wrecked heap, and then I just let some people take care of me. I gave up, period, the end. Fortunately, I did it where I couldn't do any harm to myself. For me, at least, absolute rock bottom.
This is not to say I got all better afterwards. I think I just had to get myself into a place where I could have the luxury of a complete breakdown without many of the associated risks. There was, after that point, nowhere to go but up.
Maybe you haven't hit rock bottom yet. I don't know. It never ceases to amaze me how, as bad as we can feel, there may well be room below to fall. We have an astonishing capacity for pain.
There may come a day, or another day, and when it does, I think you will know. Your heart will tell you: It's really over this time. Don't dismiss that feeling, just set it aside. Get yourself to a hospital, calmly fill out their surreal and irritating paperwork, and when you are in that little room with someone, and you know you are safe, and they are safe, let yourself go. And then let them put you back together, if they can. It may take a long time.
I don't think you want to feel the way you do. I think you want something better for yourself, even if you have stopped believing you can have it. I think, at some level, everyone does, and that's why they are able to hold on. I don't think you believe what you are going through is right. You want what ought to be coming to you, a better life, and a little joy. Don't forget it.
> > So in your shoes, but yet at this moment, I am at a different place in the journey. Just days ago I said to my therapist and my doctor that I could not keep going on, that I no longer had the energy. That the strength it took to put on that mask at work each day was too much. And the lack of friends. Those who said they understood, when confronted face on with my illness stood in judgment. Reading your post - I feel it deep inside.
> >
> > I only respond in the hope that I can pass on a sliver of hope. Whatever miracle there is I am having a handful of good days - I am delighted of course - is it the meds, a product of the weather, my work in therapy, some alignment of the stars, a god I don't believe in finally giving me a god damn break? I don't know. I desparately need it to last. And I wish I could share it - especially with you - because I feel what you wrote so deeply.
> >
> > I do hope you continue to go on - to hang on - I didn't see this coming - maybe it is there for you also. I know you deserve it.
>
>
> Thank you AKC, thank you everybody.
> After reading Kazoo post i was considering to leave the board. But then i read all of yours reply and made up my mind.
>
> Thanks again
>
> Anna Laura
Posted by Waterlily on July 3, 2001, at 21:05:04
In reply to Why should i go on?, posted by annalaura on July 2, 2001, at 18:22:58
I admire you for hanging in as long as you have. I've endured major depression, but not psychosis and not to the point of hospitalization. I've endured an alcoholic, suicidal father, but not a physically abusive/neglectful one. My sister-in-law is manic depressive with psychotic episodes and audible hallucinations. She spends more time in the hospital every year than out. She has attempted suicide too many times to count. She is one of the persons I admire most because she has put up with far more than I believe I'm capable of enduring. You have too.
Posted by Phil on July 3, 2001, at 22:23:00
In reply to Why should i go on?, posted by annalaura on July 2, 2001, at 18:22:58
annalaura...I hope we hear more from you. Depression is not fair and it certainly doesn't discriminate.
At work today my supervisor, who has diabetes, opened a pill box he had in his pocket and took his medication. He doesn't have to hide the fact that he is sick. I really don't want my co-workers or supervisor to know about my illness so I have to come up with ways to take numerous pills a day without getting 'caught'.
Mental illness is a very lonely ride at times.Pulling for you,
Phil
Posted by annalaura on July 4, 2001, at 1:47:25
In reply to Re: Why should i go on?, posted by JennyR on July 3, 2001, at 19:56:09
> I haven't read all the answers to your post, so I'm sorry if this might be redundant. I was wondering if you've tried meds. An episode of major depression shouldn't last as long as you describe. I can relate to your description, but when I get like that, my pdoc ups the meds or changes them. Also, I am trying in therapy to learn to restructure the nature of my relationships so they're not so one way where I'm always the giver and expect nothing. Have you read "Feeling Good?" That's a good cognitive therapy book, and it does have a lot of helpful things in it as does the Richard O'Connor book Undoing Depression. It's the duration of what you're describing that's of concern to me. Because even with no help, episodes are supposed to reach a point of remisssion. Are you/have you sought help? Meds, therapy, books, exercise, etc? They all really do help.
Hi,I'm not enduring a majoor depression episode at the moment: i got very sick last fall and took medications (TCA) : thanks god they worked but still, i'm anhedonic/not feeling any emotion/sensation whatsoever.
The reason why my depression lasted for all these years is that i've been misdiagnosed and given benzos instead of TCA. The outcome of this was that i got totally insane in two years after. (Major depression with psychotic features).
Thanks god i met a wonderful pdoc who prescribed me tca and did cognitive therapy with him for two years. The problem i had and still have is residuaI depression: mainly anhedonia: this is the beast i'm trying to defeat at the moment.
I wanted to sue those bastards(pdocs who gave me the wrong diagnosis): they destroied my life giving me the wrong medications. I'm sure that my depression could got cured in a matter of few months....it lasted for years instead. I read the book you mentioned: it helped just a little bit:i guess cognitive therapy doesn't work as well with psychotics. May be i'd benefit from it at the moment since i have mild depression.Thanks for answering
Anna Laura
Posted by sar on July 4, 2001, at 2:23:04
In reply to Re: Why should i go on? Jenny R, posted by annalaura on July 4, 2001, at 1:47:25
Dear Anna Laura,
What is TCA? What did you think of the benzos? (Ive recently been put on one and I'm curious, as well as concerned for you.)
Anehedonia and depression are so fuckin hard, but i want you to think about things rationally. this hits close to home for me. my aunt, who went through periods of being anorexic and delusional w/ thyroid problems jumped around from doctor to doctor for years. About 5 years ago she began talking about her "multi-million dollar lawsuit" against the docs who'd misdiagnosed her for so many years. She was in her late fifties at the time.
in 1996 she couldn't handle it anymore and committed suicide. this broke my father's (her lil brother) heart badly. he has never recovered form this tragedy.
they say that psychiatry is more of an art than a science. wouldn't it be nice if we could take a bood test or something to figure out what the hell's wrong? but we can't. psychs are human beings, trying their best, and some are better than others.
i really encourage doing your own research, reading as much psychology as you can so that you won't visit the doctor expecting him to be able to sum it up in 45 minutes.
what are your psychotic features like?
i'm very concerned about you, because in my mind, mild depression can hurt more than major depression in the long run.
please take care of yourself, and don't turn your back on meds because some haven't worked for you. There are so many out there.
keep posting.
love,
sar
Posted by annalaura on July 4, 2001, at 4:31:41
In reply to Re: Why should i go on? Jenny R, posted by sar on July 4, 2001, at 2:23:04
> Dear Anna Laura,
>
> What is TCA? What did you think of the benzos? (Ive recently been put on one and I'm curious, as well as concerned for you.)
>
TCA stands for Tryclic Antidepressants: they're the oldest ones along with MAOI: they both have been discovered in the 50's.
You asked me what i think of the benzos: well, they didn't work that well in the long run since they're depressors of the nervous system and you don't need to take that alone if you're depressed. I found them to be very addictive also: i took a long time to quit them. I think SSRI are the best for anxiety: they don't cover you 100% , as benzos do, which is good 'cause the you a little margin to react;
> Anehedonia and depression are so fuckin hard, but i want you to think about things rationally. this hits close to home for me. my aunt, who went through periods of being anorexic and delusional w/ thyroid problems jumped around from doctor to doctor for years. About 5 years ago she began talking about her "multi-million dollar lawsuit" against the docs who'd misdiagnosed her for so many years. She was in her late fifties at the time.
> > in 1996 she couldn't handle it anymore and committed suicide. this broke my father's (her lil brother) heart badly. he has never recovered form this tragedy.I'm sorry about your aunt. I don't think i'll ever suite them anyway, it's like in the back of my head and i reconsider that at times but i don't think i'm going to do that because it's going to be too stressful and i don't want that: i have too much stress to handle already and life it's too short to be wasted in endless lawsuit.
> they say that psychiatry is more of an art than a science. wouldn't it be nice if we could take a bood test or something to figure out what the hell's wrong? but we can't. psychs are human beings, trying their best, and some are better than others.
>I don't hink they tried their best because they were holding a prejudice towards me: they thought i was a drug-addict just because i wore strange clothes and i hang out with "strange people" (i was an activist, took a part in the 1990 movement ,i squatted my university: if you want to know more what the thing is about watch the movie "The strawberry statement": it was very similar to that experience). So they were holding a prejudice towards me, substantially thinking a was a d*** head and my activist friends a bunch of junkies, which it wasn't true at all: they gave me the wrong diagnosis because of that, i'm sure.
If i had been less "wild", a fearful, "respectful"
little girl, they would have realized i wasn't a "junkie" but suffering from depression instead.> i really encourage doing your own research, reading as much psychology as you can so that you won't visit the doctor expecting him to be able to sum it up in 45 minutes.
>
I'm supposed to be graduating in psychology (i'm a little bit old for that, but who cares? I'm going to go back to college and graduate no matter what), i know already lots of thinks about psychology, read hundreds of books, took examinations: i believe to be kind of counterproductive though, since pdocs don't like that (knowing too much) so they get competitive and you don't want that.> what are your psychotic features like?
>Right now i'm not psychotic (thanks god!).
The first bout of psychosis was way back in 1993: i was 24 years old, i had a terrible anxiety: this anxiety grew worse day by day until i reached the so-called "bottom".
I experienced uttermost horror: it was like being inside an horror-movie (did you see "In the mouth of madness" by John Carpenter? ).
I began thinking i was experiencing that horror because god was punishing me for my political ideals/views and chose me to see Apcalypse/the end of the world coming before everyone else could.
My former pdoc (the wonderful one, the guy who saved my life) was puzzled: he suspected this to be schizophrenia, but gave me depression with psychotic features diagnosis at the end. He took all of his efforts to drag me out of madness. He told me :"You're psychotic, do you realize that?!!"
"Yes i do - i replied -but, since i'm psychotic, i'm using a part of the brain normal people don't use: that's why i can realize Apocalypse it's in the air before anyone else can."
After saying that i saw my pdoc grow red in the face, shouting :"Get out of this!!" i realized he was really worried about me, that he was caring and understanding, that's why i stepped back in to "reality": it was very painful though, because being delirious it's kind of sedating: it's like giving the horror a meaning: as soon as you do that, you become totally insane, which it's kind of soothing your horror/anxiety and you feel comfortable with it.
So it was very painful for me to step back in the pure, meaningless horror i was in before getting mad. I did it for my pdoc: it was like a kind of mother for me at that moment. I felt like a child playing with the electric socket, and the mother yelling at me "Don't do that!".> i'm very concerned about you, because in my mind, mild depression can hurt more than major depression in the long run.
>
Yes, i believe that's true also; anhedonia really sucks.
> please take care of yourself, and don't turn your back on meds because some haven't worked for you. There are so many out there.
>I won't do that, don't worry!!! I'm going to another pdoc today afternoon : i'm trying different combination of meds at the moment.
> keep posting.> love,
> sarThanks for answering Sar,
Anna Laura
Posted by tina on July 4, 2001, at 9:22:06
In reply to Re: Why should i go on? answer to Sar, posted by annalaura on July 4, 2001, at 4:31:41
You said above that you were seeing another doc today. How did that go?
Posted by annalaura on July 5, 2001, at 2:27:56
In reply to How'd it go with the new pdoc Anna Laura??, posted by tina on July 4, 2001, at 9:22:06
> You said above that you were seeing another doc today. How did that go?
The appointment was for the next week.
I was so messed up up i didn't remember the right date. I think this terribly hot weather plays a role.Thanks for asking though,
I'll let you know/keep you updated.Anna Laura
Posted by annalaura on July 5, 2001, at 9:01:03
In reply to Re: Why should i go on? THANKS EVERYBODY, posted by Adam on July 3, 2001, at 20:45:14
> Maybe you haven't hit rock bottom yet. I don't know. It never ceases to amaze me how, as bad as we can feel, there may well be room below to fall. We have an astonishing capacity for pain.
>
.I did hit many rock bottom already ( i went totally insane years ago, i know how being in the mouth of madness is like).
I do believe the mind being able to create a different sort of hell every time you slip back in to the "balck hole"; each time is different because we grow different as time goes by i guess.
I was hoping you weren't wishing me to hit another rock bottom again.P.S.
I'm not a Christian; just because i'm italian living i Italy doesn't mean i gotta believe in all the crap the Pope is talking about. He's just a poor old man for me. Thanks for answering my mail though.
Whishing you well
Anna Laura
Posted by Adam on July 5, 2001, at 17:17:57
In reply to Re: Why should i go on? FOR ADAM, posted by annalaura on July 5, 2001, at 9:01:03
Hi, Anna,
I'm sorry. I wasn't wishing you ill, or that you would hit rock bottom. I was offering up what I would do, and taking into account the possiblility that you may find yourself at another low. Your messages seem to be telling us that you're in a lot of pain, and maybe considering doing harm to yourself. If you found yourself one day not feeling much of an impediment to self-harm, I hope you find a safe environment where you can deal with that in the best way: By not harming yourself and getting help.
>
> > Maybe you haven't hit rock bottom yet. I don't know. It never ceases to amaze me how, as bad as we can feel, there may well be room below to fall. We have an astonishing capacity for pain.
> >
> .
>
>
>
> I did hit many rock bottom already ( i went totally insane years ago, i know how being in the mouth of madness is like).
> I do believe the mind being able to create a different sort of hell every time you slip back in to the "balck hole"; each time is different because we grow different as time goes by i guess.
> I was hoping you weren't wishing me to hit another rock bottom again.
>
> P.S.
>
> I'm not a Christian; just because i'm italian living i Italy doesn't mean i gotta believe in all the crap the Pope is talking about. He's just a poor old man for me. Thanks for answering my mail though.
>
> Whishing you well
>
> Anna Laura
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