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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Kingfish on April 9, 2001, at 19:01:22
I was wondering if anyone else is going through a sort of "re-self-discovery" after finding some medication(s) that help alleviate the symptoms of Depression or Bipolar Disorder?
I am 30, and have recently found a mix of an AD and two mood stabilizers for BPII that are helping and I feel like I am finally starting to discover myself. The BP showed up in my early teens, maybe earlier and grew progressively worse in my 20's.
It's a very bizarre feeling and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it.
I guess in a sense I don't know who I am in a way. I finally feel grounded and more secure in myself but I'm sure who that self is.
Does this sound familiar?
- K.
Posted by phillybob on April 10, 2001, at 0:25:32
In reply to discovering who you are after years of suffering, posted by Kingfish on April 9, 2001, at 19:01:22
Hi, Kingfish. First off, I know you're a woman! Ha, I've unmasked you! (okay, you actually have referenced it before). :)
The only reason I tease you so is that on the Topamax thread, I thought you were a man for ... oh ... the whole time. :)
I'm sure there's a good story to your moniker.
As far as "re-self-discovery" as you put it, I'd say so for me but only somewhat (even though I'm not fully relieved of my depression's dastardly duties).
For me, it is more of seeing how so much of my life and the choices I've made have been affected by my illness. I guess I think I know who I am but have just not been that consistently (not even remotely so).
I feel kind of fortunate in the sense that I've been able to get by even when I was ill (and honed my acting skills in duping friends and family, to boot). Not having committed to much in my life has allowed me not to wake up and find myself in positions that I did not wish to be ... much of this "freedom" had been calculated in a two-fold manner: (1) I'm not stable/consistent enough to accept said commitment; and (2) When I finally am stable/consistent, I can then evaluate what I really want to be committed to, more clear-headedly (if I might adverbize an otherwise innocent adjective as I verbicize nouns as well).
Anyway, I'm just babbling (it's required here, you know). From what you've posted here, it seems that your situation (while somewhat the same in some ways) is quite different, in the sense that your illness might have really taken over the "you" and bandied it about to the point of non-recognition. My guess, though, is that it is still there, the kernel, the you, and that you might need to find (if you don't already have one) a good professional to talk it over with. My first therapist ever had referred a book entitled "Wishcraft" to me, and it's a worthwhile exercise to read it (requires the reader's active input ... just another self-help book, but maybe a cut above? I really wouldn't know having never read others and, in fact, never completed this one I'm referrin' to you!)
Okay, I'm done.
[By the way, you asked on about alcohol and Topamax on the legit-side of the Pbabble family of boards; I had posted in the other thread that you started that its only major effect tended to be a complete and utter inability to function the next day. Also, you are on, I think, Topamax, Lamictal and which AD?]
Posted by Noa on April 10, 2001, at 18:23:23
In reply to discovering who you are after years of suffering, posted by Kingfish on April 9, 2001, at 19:01:22
In some ways it sounds familiar, yes. I think it makes sense that for people who have suffered with depression or bipolar illness since adolescence, a lot of developmental milestones were delayed, a lot of the developmental work of growing up is distorted, obscured, etc. and when the symptoms are finally under control, there is this sudden realization of the time lost and growing up to do.
Posted by Shar on April 10, 2001, at 20:21:33
In reply to discovering who you are after years of suffering, posted by Kingfish on April 9, 2001, at 19:01:22
I think it is so cool that you are having this experience of discovery. I hope you enjoy the hell out of it, even learning and finding out about the "least worst" things about yourself. It (IMHO) takes a lot of honesty and courage to start the journey you have undertaken.
I am 49, and I have recently (over the past 9 months or so) begun to learn things in a very different way than ever before. I have been in therapy forever, and I am sure I have heard some of these things before, and THIS time they are clicking. It really feels like a click. A grok. I get it, I can apply it in my life. I can look at myself objectively enough to see how I hinder my own progress.
I am delighted this is happening with me, even though some of it has been very painful and I've wept many times. It is truly marvelous to feel my "self" is there.
The ADs undoubtedly help in this process; they allow me to get my land legs under me so I can think, and learn, and act upon ideas about something other than suicide or some other depressing 8-} topic.
All the best to you. I hope you have a great time. What an opportunity!
Shar
> I was wondering if anyone else is going through a sort of "re-self-discovery" after finding some medication(s) that help alleviate the symptoms of Depression or Bipolar Disorder?
>
> I am 30, and have recently found a mix of an AD and two mood stabilizers for BPII that are helping and I feel like I am finally starting to discover myself. The BP showed up in my early teens, maybe earlier and grew progressively worse in my 20's.
>
> It's a very bizarre feeling and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it.
>
> I guess in a sense I don't know who I am in a way. I finally feel grounded and more secure in myself but I'm sure who that self is.
>
> Does this sound familiar?
>
> - K.
Posted by Kingfish on April 11, 2001, at 16:06:39
In reply to Re: discovering who you are after years of suffering, posted by phillybob on April 10, 2001, at 0:25:32
>Phillybob:
And just how did you know I was a woman? :) That's interesting that you thought I was a man on the other thread. I believe I think more like one most of the time for some reason, am very analytical (am I going to get into trouble for saying that?).
My main mood stabilizer is Topamax, 250 mg. I also Neurontin, which I know isn't considered a main line stabilizer but my pdoc says it acts in conjunction as a stabilizer with other another stabilizer. I also take Celexa.
Anyhoo, I actually have been able to get by during this illness, also by "[honing] my acting skills in duping friends and family, to boot". Almost all of my friends were shocked when I talked to them about it for the first time.
But the main problem I'm having right now is related to a very serious relationship (O.K., a marriage) of the last nine years. I'm looking back at it now and realizing it has been very dysfunctional.
A far less "rebellious me is emerging. It's as if I woke up and said "this isn't my life. I've been following someone around for nine years." And there's hardly reflection of me around.
My confidence level is so much better now. I don't feel like being self-destructive...
I guess there's far too much to put here. :)
Thank for the self-help book suggestion, Phillybob, though, I avoid them like the plague.;) I do feel like I need to speak with someone who has been through this.
And thank you all for your support! Any more support and/or stories would be greatly appreciated.
- K.
Posted by mila on April 13, 2001, at 0:42:26
In reply to Re: -- phillybob and all , posted by Kingfish on April 11, 2001, at 16:06:39
dear kingfish,
i like everything about you. Right now i like this thread that you have started:)
i never quite think that i haven't been myself all these years. I tried it for some time after the depression lifted for the first time, and found that this attitude fills me with tears of regret, resentment, and grief. it weakens me, and sends me on yet another trip into another kind of sadness. I eventually found hte right word for what I got back: my innocence of perceptions. Self to me is a larger, more embracing notion, and it includes all of which i am capable of, including mysteries of depression. being myself in any condition makes me feel proud, getting back innocence of perception ( like in the fairy tale of a naked king, this boy who yells "the king is naked!!!", ability to see things as they are, and not through the thick filters of previous unhappy memories) makes me feel delighted.
mila
Posted by phillybob on April 13, 2001, at 11:14:21
In reply to Re: -- phillybob and all , posted by mila on April 13, 2001, at 0:42:26
> dear kingfish,
>
> i like everything about you. Right now i like this thread that you have started:)I think Kingfish has a knack for startin' nice threads. :) (this is the 2nd one she's begun in which I've been compelled to post).
> i never quite think that i haven't been myself all these years. I tried it for some time after the depression lifted for the first time, and found that this attitude fills me with tears of regret, resentment, and grief. it weakens me, and sends me on yet another trip into another kind of sadness. I eventually found hte right word for what I got back: my innocence of perceptions. Self to me is a larger, more embracing notion, and it includes all of which i am capable of, including mysteries of depression. being myself in any condition makes me feel proud, getting back innocence of perception ( like in the fairy tale of a naked king, this boy who yells "the king is naked!!!", ability to see things as they are, and not through the thick filters of previous unhappy memories) makes me feel delighted.
>
> milaThat (the above) was perfect, mila, and beautiful.
Posted by Kingfish on April 13, 2001, at 19:54:19
In reply to Re: -- phillybob and all , posted by phillybob on April 13, 2001, at 11:14:21
Why, thank you very much! I certainly do not Try to start nice threads - they must just happen. :)
I agree that Mila's response was lovely. It is hard not to want to separate those difficult times from what seems now to be the "clearer" ones. But they are all part of "me" aren't they?
What do you do, though, when someone else's feelings are involved? When you realize that the relationship you've been in hasn't necessarily been that healthy?
And what if that person Suddenly realizes that you're stronger than before and starts "straightening up" when faced with the concept that you actually could leave? Is it too late after ten years of a fairly dysfuncional relationship? (O.K. - we're getting personal here! ;) )
I just never thought about the issues that could arise from "getting well"...
Posted by phillybob on April 13, 2001, at 23:11:00
In reply to Re: -- phillybob, mila, and all , posted by Kingfish on April 13, 2001, at 19:54:19
> And what if that person Suddenly realizes that you're stronger than before and starts "straightening up" when faced with the concept that you actually could leave? Is it too late after ten years of a fairly dysfuncional relationship?
Hmmmm. And ... hmmmmmm. You know?
How's the communication on the matter? If not the greatest, since you are feeling better and the one that has "changed", I'd try to initiate some discussion on the matter. Or, try to speak with a counselor together. Depends upon the nature of the dysfunctionality and what compromises or changes are able to be made. But, based upon the decade of shared history, I would not necessarily write off the relationship so quickly, that's for sure (unless, the dysfunctionality is of a more serious nature; i.e. abusive, physically or emotionally). Patience, especially if your wellness is such a new thing, would be in order because your perception of your situation is also quite new and might take some time to understand it more objectively (?). That's about the most that I can say without getting in trouble for practicing therapy without a license. :)
In other news, I know somewhat what you are talking about and can relate, but for me, maybe it's more of a mood thing. If feeling a bit hypomanic, I often want to cut loose of my gal and experience so much in life ... mostly unhinged by anyone at all. When I'm feeling down, I feel guilty cause I can't be what she needs. When I'm just right, the relationship's just about right. Of course, throw in her moodiness, and one can see that this is no easy task staying together. But, we communicate and that has been our saving grace, thus far.
P.S. Had to get rid of my name from the subject line. :)
Posted by Kingfish on April 14, 2001, at 18:56:42
In reply to Self-discovery redux, posted by phillybob on April 13, 2001, at 23:11:00
> Ah-ha! Now I know you are a man!
Thanks for the very scary Vagus Nerve Stimulator article on the med page. That, of course, was another one of my Brilliant threads. ;)
And thanks for the comments. They are helpful. I am feeling very impatient and frustrated right now.
Posted by mila on April 14, 2001, at 20:58:00
In reply to Re: -- phillybob, mila, and all , posted by Kingfish on April 13, 2001, at 19:54:19
dear kingfish,
let me notice that you seem to talk about love here. No reasoning is allowed...
listen to your heart. Do not worry about other person's feelings. Give that person a gift of a dignity. Be honest.
Of course, marriage is not the same as love life. there are other issues involved. But again, behaving with dignity is the only attitude that I see as appropriate when deciding to stay or to leave.
dignity is difficult. very difficult. but you, kingfish, can.
mila.
This is the end of the thread.
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