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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Amanda29 on September 17, 2008, at 19:19:51
OK...so, tomorrow is my session with my T and I am going to be talking to him about issues regarding sex and trauma and "experimenting" that took place when I was younger. We shed some serious light on the subject last week and it opened up so much junk that I have NEVER dealt with...it never even occured of me to deal with it..it amounted to NOTHING..but now, it appears to be SOMETHING. So I should deal with it..right?
Normally, I like to go into the session prepared...as prepared as possible...and well, whereas I have been crying myself to sleep over what all I have to tell him...Im still not "prepared" and I know that I am going to go to him tomorrow and loose it. I feel like my thoughts are out of control and that who knows what will come flying out of my mouth...(I am a very open and honest and blunt person...and I share everything...) but I dont want to mention something that I am not quite ready to talk about..and aparently that is what happened last week and now, well, tomorrow I get to enlighten him on what I have kept hidden for years. (honestly, I had forgotten about it until something I was talking about sparked it back into my brain.) weird how that works!
I know he will not judge me...he told me that previously...but it is just SO HARD to sit there and talk so openly about this ..especially SEX..and he commends me on being able to do so, but my goodness...he is a very good looking thearpist and it is hard. I also have trouble with good eye contact...and so not only am I shaking as I talk to him about sex and my lack thereof ...I am unable to look at him...so my eyes are wandering all over the room ..every direction but the one he is in...it is embarrassing.
I am just worried that he will start to think differently about me after he hears what I have to tell him and I shouldnt even worry about it, but I care about what others think about me..and I want them to like me...and I will stress over if this will change the way he sees me because as of now, I know he likes me as an individual...he told me..he likes me as I am as a person...but add this new info and I wont be so sure anymore.
I have to look him in the eyes...even though his good looks get to me..because I need to see in his eyes that he is hearing me and that he is concerned and that he does have empathy.....but at the same time I am scared to see his face because when he looks concerned, it concerns me even more. PLUS....
He does this thing where he sits at the end of the session and writes notes on how I am ...and it makes me CRAZY..because I know for the past 3 months I have been doing oh so not well...and so I know he is only writing negative things..and that makes me nervous...but I cannot ask him to not write his thoughts because he HAS TO.
Im just nervous...someone please write me back and tell me things will be ok....
I will post back tomorrow night and let people know how it went...but I need some support right now...
thanks.
A
Posted by meme3842 on September 17, 2008, at 19:51:51
In reply to Starting to worry about session tomorrow with T, posted by Amanda29 on September 17, 2008, at 19:19:51
hi amanda
It sounds like you are going through a lot right now, and it sounds like pretty heavy stuff. I'm kinda in the same situation with my T, and we started to talk about my history with sex and all that. It was pretty difficult and we had to stop because I needed to regroup. So I think that if your therapist is paying attention, he will be watching to see how you are handling talking about it. But whatever you do, if you don't FEEL ready talking about it, then it would probably best not to address it. It will make yourself feel only worse, and that's not helpful. I hope that your therapist will sense how you are doing and create a safe and nurturing environment for you. I'll be thinking about you.
Posted by Amanda29 on September 17, 2008, at 19:56:39
In reply to Re: Starting to worry about session tomorrow with T, posted by meme3842 on September 17, 2008, at 19:51:51
Thank you. He does create an environment that is easy for me to open up to him...but it was almost too easy ...and I said stuff that I didnt want to deal with..and that is what I have to deal with tomorrow...I do feel ready to talk about my issues...but it is just awkward...and he has told me in the past that i can talk to a female...but I dont want to...I have had a female T before and for whatever reason, I do better opening up to males...we shall see how it goes... :)
Posted by lemonaide on September 17, 2008, at 22:23:25
In reply to Starting to worry about session tomorrow with T, posted by Amanda29 on September 17, 2008, at 19:19:51
(((((Amanda))))
I think you are still doing great because you are willing to face whatever happened in therapy. So many run away from stuff like this. So I admire you determination to heal yourself.
As far as the sexual stuff, I think almost everyone has a skeleton or two in the closet that they would prefer not to talk about. I bet even your T does too, so even though it might be embarrassing, I am sure you T won't think ill of you because of it.
This sounds like something important to talk about, good luck tomorrow, and don't worry if not everything is planned out. Sometimes those will be your best sessions.
Posted by lemonaide on September 17, 2008, at 22:24:45
In reply to Starting to worry about session tomorrow with T, posted by Amanda29 on September 17, 2008, at 19:19:51
Oh, and the note thing, I don't like it much either, my T does this, and I too wonder what he is writing. Usually is is general stuff I am sure about how I am doing. My T even tries to write while still looking at me.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on September 18, 2008, at 8:09:48
In reply to Starting to worry about session tomorrow with T, posted by Amanda29 on September 17, 2008, at 19:19:51
Oh, sweetie: You sound a lot like me; upfront, honest, etc.
Trust me, your t won't change how he feels about you no matter what you tell him.
Perhaps it might help to write down what you want to tell him; that way you won't get confused and spill a lot which you are not ready to cope with.
he respects you and cares about you; he wont' feel differently because you share some painful issues.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by Amanda29 on September 18, 2008, at 17:55:50
In reply to Starting to worry about session tomorrow with T, posted by Amanda29 on September 17, 2008, at 19:19:51
My session was HORRIBLE...First off, I walked in and closed the door and he had a magazine in his hand and was looking through it, went to his computer and looked at some website...went back to looking at the magazine...(all while I am sitting there on the couch waiting)...he did ask me how my day was...but THEN, he sits down and continues to look through the magazine...after asking me a though provoking question...and I didnt answer it. I SAT THERE AND WAITED UNTIL HE PUT THE MAGAZINE DOWN..and then I answered. I have to know that he is hearing me and listening to me and for whatever reason...he was acting weird.
We got started talking..I told him my news...about my "Experimenting" when I was younger...I made a comment on what my mom would have thought about the situation had she walked into the room..and he said "well amanda, your mom is psychotic...and I noded my head...(she isnt truely, but she and I have a severly difficult relationship...and I cannot be around her for more than a few minutes. THEN..he says...Imagine my reaction when my ex wife...announced to me that my six year old daughter is in her first grade sunday school class....
I looked at him and apologized...but I told him that my mom is an excellent teacher...and ..AND..my boss made me realize that my moms relationship with me has NOTHING to do with her relationships with other people....so I told him this. His daughter is in good hands..(but he wont believe it).
The session after that was completely strained. It was from the beginning...but, it was just really weird. He wasnt "On his game" today, and I emailed him when I got home and told him my thoughts of how the session went..and that I was really uncomfortable after the session...I still am.
I am not paying him the big bucks to have him read a magazine the first five minutes of the session.
I was expecting the session to be similar to last week..which was a great session...but I have come to learn that I cannot expect anything...
IM kind of bummed out..by what happened.
Posted by Dinah on September 19, 2008, at 0:24:16
In reply to UPDATE....not so good., posted by Amanda29 on September 18, 2008, at 17:55:50
That is very unprofessional of him. Inviting a person in then picking up a magazine? Good for you for not answering until he's ready to listen.
My therapist has never done anything like that, but he has puttered around a bit. I also sit politely until he's ready to start, then pointedly look at my watch.
I'm sorry it didn't go well. I often find great sessions follow awful ones, and vice versa. But it's never been so clearly the therapist's fault as reading a magazine.
I really hope he pulls himself together by next session. It really would seem that they should be able to rise to the occasion when you discuss something sensitive.
Posted by Wittgensteinz on September 19, 2008, at 1:14:59
In reply to Re: UPDATE....not so good. » Amanda29, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2008, at 0:24:16
I agree with Dinah. I certainly wouldn't have said anything if my T was reading something - like you, I need to know he's listening fully. Sometimes mine will flick through his diary at the start of the session, just to check dates/times I suppose and will say "go ahead" while doing this. I just wait though until he's finished.
By the fact he mentioned his ex-wife and daughter after you'd shared something so sensitive, seems to me that he was distracted and not fully present in your session. It's a real pity given how much you had anticipated this meeting. I suppose therapists do have their 'off-days' - I hope your next time will be his 'on-day' once again.
How do you feel now? Disappointed? Can you keep it together until the next session? Maybe you could phone him or at least mention all this next time you see him.
I think it was very brave of you to share what you did about experimenting - I'm sorry the session didn't go as planned but I expect things will be repaired again within the next session or two.
Witti
Posted by Amanda29 on September 19, 2008, at 6:06:53
In reply to Re: UPDATE....not so good., posted by Wittgensteinz on September 19, 2008, at 1:14:59
I will explain more when I get home for lunch today...I emailed him my frustrations..and he emailed me back and explained why he acted the way that he did...apparently it was all on purpose...and well, it still frustrates me....more on this later...
Posted by Nadezda on September 19, 2008, at 12:59:30
In reply to Re: UPDATE....not so good., posted by Amanda29 on September 19, 2008, at 6:06:53
I'd like to hear why your T did that. It doesn't seem quite well attuned to communicating anything terribly useful. There should be better, and more direct== and also less seemingly rude-- ways of doing that.
It seems to suggest lack of interest-- which I imagine isn't related to you, but to something in himself. But I will wait for his explanation.
Also, his mentioning his ex-wife and daughter does seem rather strange. That would totally offend and alienate me, if my T did it. (What my T does is bad enough, but at least he doesn't bring his family into it.)
I hope he did have a good reason for all that.
Nadezda
Posted by susan47 on September 19, 2008, at 13:25:35
In reply to Re: UPDATE....not so good., posted by Amanda29 on September 19, 2008, at 6:06:53
Whether he behave his way on purpose with the magazine doesn't mean he did when he said your mom is a psychotic, and asked you to imagine how he felt when his ex-wife ('ex' for a good reason, no doubt) told him their daughter was in your mom's Sunday School class.. which shows he doesn't believe in his own therapy, patients, or medicine. You should walk away from this guy; at least, ask him if he goes through therapy. If not, he should. Continually. He doesn't get it at all.
Posted by Amanda29 on September 19, 2008, at 15:38:44
In reply to Re: UPDATE....not so good., posted by susan47 on September 19, 2008, at 13:25:35
Glad you picked up on the magazine. I intentionally chose to flip through the magazine to wait and see if you were going to start your therapy. Its purpose was to challenge you to gain confidence in putting yourself out there like we talked about during session. Because it is your therapy, risk getting it going and setting the agenda. Next week I dont want to have to flip through any magazines. Im proud of you for being confident and courageous enough to comment on it kudos to you!
As for your mom being my daughter's Sunday school teacher, it was meant to be more of an ironic observation than anything else. I have no doubt she is fully competent in that role. Sorry if I offended you.
Posted by Amanda29 on September 19, 2008, at 16:37:34
In reply to Re: UPDATE....not so good., posted by Wittgensteinz on September 19, 2008, at 1:14:59
How I feel now is SICK. I am disappointed, confused, hurt, frustrated, ticked off, I want to scream and yell at him for "challenging" me the way that he did. I emailed him several times telling him my thoughts, and I have NEVER been in the room with him angry...I am afraid to be angry in front of him because I am afraid he will get irritated or angry at me. He says he can take my anger but I am not so sure. He is really big on Challenging me..and that is FINE...I dont like it but, I told him that next time he does something like that it would be nice if he would clue me in on what he was doing rather than making me fret over something possibly being wrong. I was honestly concerned about him..and about me.. and apparently I was the one at fault.
Has anyone ever gotten really angry and expressed it in person to their T? How do they take it?
I have expressed myself in email...and he replies and it upsets me..because it is hard to hear a tone of voice...obviously over the internet..and so I would rather talk in person.
He really messed me up. I sent him my posts about being anxious about the session so he could see how worked up I was getting..but he hasnt replied and I dont know if he will because it is the weekend...we shall see.
I shared what happened with my dad and sister and they cannot stand him anymore...I like him...he helps me and just beacuse I dont agree with something that he has done..doesnt mean I am going to drop him...I know his ultimate goal is to help me ..I just dont always understand his ways.
But right now I am pretty upset and if he replies and is ANY KIND OF NEGATIVE...I am going to loose it..
Posted by Wittgensteinz on September 19, 2008, at 17:49:51
In reply to Here is my T response to why he did this.., posted by Amanda29 on September 19, 2008, at 15:38:44
It seems a bit too easy for him to say that - surely he could come up with some 'therapeutic' reason for any strange thing he does in therapy? It seems like a cop-out to me. I don't know.
I think you were reasonable to pick up on it and reasonable to be angry with him. I'd be pissed off too. I find it very hard to express anger - it's one of my biggest problems as I end up turning it onto myself. Last week, T and I had a rupture. I ended up walking out because I couldn't express my anger. I have sent him angry e-mails (well, subtly angry, let's say), but being angry in his presence is another thing. I've sat in silence, bubbling up with anger - that's about as close as I've got :)
As for your T, I think his timing for a psychological experiment was poor - this was an important session for you, and you needed to feel heard. It's good you let him know how his actions made you feel, so that in future he picks such moments more carefully, or stops altogether with those strange 'games'!
Witti
Posted by Nadezda on September 19, 2008, at 18:33:20
In reply to Here is my T response to why he did this.., posted by Amanda29 on September 19, 2008, at 15:38:44
Those aren't such great explanations, to say the least.
First of all, "challenging" you by being rude (ie reading the magazine) is a pretty odd-- and not very therapeutic-- way of trying to work with someone (to put it kindly) on being more assertive, or taking more risks in therapy. I don't like the idea of that sort of "experiment"-- it seems a bit on the game=playing side to me.
His comments about his ex=wife and daughter and your mother-- both in the appointment and in the email seem quite offensive and really rather insensitive. Even if you have bad feelings about your mother, it doesn't mean that you like hearing her criticized-- unless the context is the right one, when you're talking about problems you're had about her-- and he's trying to help. Somehow that doesn't seem to be what was going on here.
Plus, bringing up this issue with his daughter just seems, well, (I kind of hate this word, but I think it sort of fits) inappropriate. It's irrelevant to your issues-- and frankly a private concern of his own. It just seems like putting something on you that you don't need to hear-- and somehow enlisting you either to do something about it, or sympathize with him and his daughter against your mother-- or something really separate from any therapy for you.
It seems there might have been more going on-- although I dont' know what.
About expressing anger-- I've done it. The expressing can be counter-productive if one gets too angry-- I think. -- Better to handle the anger in a more temperate and civil way-- telling him that these things bother you and you would prefer he not do them, or mentioning that you feel angry, but not in an angry way. This can be hard--but in the short run (and probably the long run) is more effective. (I speak from the personal experience of losing my temper with my T-- which, as I say, really isn't terribly productive--although I suspect it happens more often than we realize.)
These do seems like things you need to discuss with him, though, and I hope you can get a better response-- possibly a realization that he wasn't acting very carefully (even if he doesn't admit it) and an apology.
Nadezda
Posted by Amanda29 on September 20, 2008, at 13:10:46
In reply to Here is my T response to why he did this.., posted by Amanda29 on September 19, 2008, at 15:38:44
This is what I think...I do not agree with the way that my T does things from time to time. I certainly don't agree with the way that he "Challenges" me. I get over it. But, I don't handle them well at all...especially when I am having a hard time talking about sensitive topics...like I was the past couple of weeks. I have emailed him several times since Thursday and he only responded to my first email, but he knows how I feel right now.
I made a mistake of sharing what happened to my sister and dad and my dad is livid talking about how unprofessional he is, and my sister...I talked to her on the phone and she was calling him a jerk and saying that she hopes she never meets him in person because she would have a lot to say to him. I told her she never would meet him and she told me to not be so sure. I asked her what she meant and she told me that she might google him and get his information off of the internet and his phone numbers and find out where he lives and drive to his house and call him and email him..(basically stalk him). I told her she wouldnt do that because that isn't her. (That is unfortunatly more like something that I would do). I told her that if she did something like that I would stop talking to her. THAT COULD NOT ONLY HURT HER..BUT ME AS WELL..BECAUSE HE COULD FEEL THREATENED AND FEEL LIKE HE HAD TO DISCONTINUE THEARPY WITH ME) I can't have that.
You might be wondering why I even want to continue in T with him..but this is my deal.. I don't agree with him at times, but that does NOT mean that I want to let him go and never be his patient again. We can work through this..and my feelings of anger towards him ..in reality I dont think that I am truely ANGRY at him....I have to look into that..but I think the anger is about me.
I did tell him I Cannot handle being challenged when I am having such a bad day..and that next time he wants to do something like that he should give me a heads up or explanation AFTER he has done that..and before I leave his office...so that I am not FREAKING OUT.Anyway, I need to be locked in a room with him so I can get my frustrations out and ..oh ..I told him that I needed to let off some steam and that If I raise my voice at my next session on Thursday that I need for him to just TAKE IT ALL, and not say anything and to just let me get it out...and NOT look at me weird or throw something back in my face...and at the end...(I didnt tell him this) but I would like for him to be able to say something like "ok Amanda that was really good and you did well by expressing yourself and I can tell you are struggling and I dont think less of you I think you are strong and brave for saying with you did and I am proud of you...)I need to hear something positive...
Anyway. Sorry so long. I have so many thoughts of what is happening to me right now....don't be surprised if I post another one. :)
And thank you. Thank you for all of your comments.It is great to have support and empathy from people...I need all the support I can get.
Thanks.
A
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