Posted by Amanda29 on September 17, 2008, at 19:19:51
OK...so, tomorrow is my session with my T and I am going to be talking to him about issues regarding sex and trauma and "experimenting" that took place when I was younger. We shed some serious light on the subject last week and it opened up so much junk that I have NEVER dealt with...it never even occured of me to deal with it..it amounted to NOTHING..but now, it appears to be SOMETHING. So I should deal with it..right?
Normally, I like to go into the session prepared...as prepared as possible...and well, whereas I have been crying myself to sleep over what all I have to tell him...Im still not "prepared" and I know that I am going to go to him tomorrow and loose it. I feel like my thoughts are out of control and that who knows what will come flying out of my mouth...(I am a very open and honest and blunt person...and I share everything...) but I dont want to mention something that I am not quite ready to talk about..and aparently that is what happened last week and now, well, tomorrow I get to enlighten him on what I have kept hidden for years. (honestly, I had forgotten about it until something I was talking about sparked it back into my brain.) weird how that works!
I know he will not judge me...he told me that previously...but it is just SO HARD to sit there and talk so openly about this ..especially SEX..and he commends me on being able to do so, but my goodness...he is a very good looking thearpist and it is hard. I also have trouble with good eye contact...and so not only am I shaking as I talk to him about sex and my lack thereof ...I am unable to look at him...so my eyes are wandering all over the room ..every direction but the one he is in...it is embarrassing.
I am just worried that he will start to think differently about me after he hears what I have to tell him and I shouldnt even worry about it, but I care about what others think about me..and I want them to like me...and I will stress over if this will change the way he sees me because as of now, I know he likes me as an individual...he told me..he likes me as I am as a person...but add this new info and I wont be so sure anymore.
I have to look him in the eyes...even though his good looks get to me..because I need to see in his eyes that he is hearing me and that he is concerned and that he does have empathy.....but at the same time I am scared to see his face because when he looks concerned, it concerns me even more. PLUS....
He does this thing where he sits at the end of the session and writes notes on how I am ...and it makes me CRAZY..because I know for the past 3 months I have been doing oh so not well...and so I know he is only writing negative things..and that makes me nervous...but I cannot ask him to not write his thoughts because he HAS TO.
Im just nervous...someone please write me back and tell me things will be ok....
I will post back tomorrow night and let people know how it went...but I need some support right now...
thanks.
A
poster:Amanda29
thread:852530
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/852530.html