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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JayMac on September 10, 2008, at 18:12:17
How do I ask for help? How do you ask for help? I have a really difficult time with this subject.
Some background: I grew up in an environment where my emotional needs were rarely met. My mom would buy me things to show me she loved me (even though we didn't have any money), but I never really *connected* with her. She didn't really meet my emotional needs. So, that has made 90% of my relationships extremely painful. I can easily get what I WANT, but rarely do I get what I NEED.
So, in the present, I basically never ask for help. It's astounding that I even have a T, given my stance. I *hate* feeling soooo vulnerable. It's way toooooo painful to think that I might not get my needs met. I recently told my T (it's in another thread called money) that I am having a lot of financial difficulty and have to cut down my number of sessions. I can't stand to think that I will only see her once a week. My T originally wanted to see me 4 times a week, but that's impossible. My T was very serious during our whole session, and she suggested that I ask my family for help. She even went 15 minutes over our regular 45 minutes. So she gave me a full hour. I didn't realize it until I looked at the clock in my car. It shows she cares. And I know she cares, it's hard for me to understand why though.
I really really really really really really really do NOT want to ask my family for help. But I really really really really really really really really really really really really really NEED NEED NEED my T!!!
Asking my family for money is like asking a grizzly bear for some of their precious honey. I'm so afraid of getting hurt. It's paralyzing. I don't know why, but it's far easier for me to ask strangers for anything.
I feel so incredibly *guilty* for needing anything.
Any thoughts, words of encouragement, sharings of personal stories, opinions, jokes, or gestures would be appreciated.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Jay
Posted by Daisym on September 10, 2008, at 22:40:02
In reply to How do you ask for help?, posted by JayMac on September 10, 2008, at 18:12:17
My mother's mantra was "don't tell me what the problem is, tell me what you want me to do about it." It is hard for a child to know how to respond to that. So I learned to do for myself. And for everyone around me. Asking for help is like being naked in public. I'm exposed and I'm sure someone will take advantage of that need. Or get mad at me for needing. I'm so messed up around this, that when people say no to me - nicely and with good reasons, I feel bad for making them say no -- not because they said no - but because I put them in the position of having to say no. (does that make any sense at all?)
In therapy, we've worked hard on asking for help. At first, my therapist framed it as "an experiment." He said, "let's just see what happens if you call me when you want to - before you feel really bad. Don't worry about need for now." It took awhile but we've developed a good system. And the first time he went on a long vacation, he asked me if I wanted to keep something of his. I couldn't think of anything and I didn't know how to say yes to that. He ended up giving me his talisman, with his picture in it, at the last session before the break. And he left me a voice mail.
As we've progressed, I find he waits for me to ask for something but he still often says, "what do you need from me right now?" And together we find the words. It isn't easy but I'm doing it. And being hurt, I've had to ask for help from people. Amazingly, they really are OK with either helping, or saying no, with regret. I hope you can ask your therapist for ways to carry her with you - like voice mail or an email. These are no-cost ways to stay connected. It really is painful to have to cut back on the thing holding you together.
All that said, asking for money is hard for almost everyone. It has to be one of the most uncomfortable experiences - especially among families. It would be easier if they would see your trouble and offer. But it doesn't sound like that is going to happen for you. Perhaps if you can say what you said in your email above, spelling out why things are hard and how much you need to borrow and giving yourself lots of space to pay it back, they might come through for you. Sometimes my siblings ask me to ask one of our parents for help - do you have someone who could go to bat for you?
Keep putting your needs out there. And then watch how the universe responds. You might be amazed.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on September 11, 2008, at 8:31:04
In reply to How do you ask for help?, posted by JayMac on September 10, 2008, at 18:12:17
Oh, dear Jay: I SO relate. I grew up in extreme poverty with a mentally-ill, physically and verbally violent mother. I never knew my father.
I "married" the original abuser (mother) and endured 31 years of abuse; then got a divorce; then experienced a kind of abuse I'd never heard of Spiritual (abuse); my church of 31 years voted me out of membership with my name up on abig screen followed by the words, "Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God." I fought the system for 18 months to try to stop the pastor (of disaster), LOl from "counseling' any more women.
My t was an angel in disguise (expert in spiritual abuse), and journeyed with me for 18 months.
I've stayed with him for 5 years, and I fully understand the hunger and neediness when you have an emotional void.
www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com, was the result of the church debacle. It's been phenomenol; almost 15,000 hits. I have always managed to make something positive come out of the ashes of my life....written my memoir; went back to school at age 61 (won a scholarship).
I have spent a lifetime fighting the feelings of not being worthy, and I know those are lies and old tapes from childhood.
In a few months I will no longer be able to afford my t, and he has no idea of the strain I have been living under for over a year.
It doesn't help that I fell in love with him years ago.
I feel your pain angst and misery, and send you love and hugs........xoxoxo, Alice
How do you ask for help? You simply....do it; we can be nothing else...other than authentic and real.
Posted by Nadezda on September 11, 2008, at 9:41:09
In reply to How do you ask for help?, posted by JayMac on September 10, 2008, at 18:12:17
I would try a strategy the DBT people call "coping ahead." It's a part of problem solving. You can go through different scenarios, and think of how you might respond. Like if your parents say, x, you'll say y. You can even write it down.
I think going through the possible responses, and planning how you'll present yourself and the request strengthens your sense of comfort in your self-presentation and your confidence in asking. You won't feel as vulnerable-- you can practice tone of voice, do role playing, to see how you think various people will respond to your request-- and structure the request to make it most comfortable to you.
I would definitely write down what you want to say and feel very secure in the wording and the emotional state you want to convey. I really do think practicing in front of the mirror or into a tape recorder is also a really helpful thing-- although I haven't yet done it. I have some issues myself where I need to use some of these skills.
DBT has so many great ideas about "interpersonal effectiveness"-- so many helpful suggestions. I'm learning a lot from it, although it does take time and a lot of practice.
I hope you can find a way to ask, though-- it would be tough to have to cut back even more.
Nadezda
Posted by Phillipa on September 11, 2008, at 12:29:08
In reply to Re: How do you ask for help?, posted by Nadezda on September 11, 2008, at 9:41:09
Times of money are tuff all around right now and I can a lot of us having to give up things to survive. I'd wager T's will be one of the first to go as I had to give mine up rather can not afford to find another. I wish you much luck. Phillipa
Posted by Racer on September 11, 2008, at 16:03:57
In reply to How do you ask for help?, posted by JayMac on September 10, 2008, at 18:12:17
I already know that interest rates are high at the Bank of Mom -- I used to joke that if I need to borrow five dollars from my mother, I'd ask for $500, since I'd have to go through the same distress with either one, I may as well get a decent pay out, you know?
And it's still possible to do it, and do it successfully -- that is, with a successful emotional outcome. One thing that always helped me was to reflect that she didn't understand my circumstances -- she has only had government jobs, and I was laid off in a recession with outrageous unemployment rates, for example. I also tried to remember that the emotional reaction on her part was her craziness, and not a real reflection on me. And I would try very hard to remind myself that there was no approach that could avoid that reaction from her, and resign myself to the discomfort to come.
Now, my mother is many different flavors of crazy, and your parents may be closer to normal. (My best girlfriend called the day my new boyfriend was about to meet my mother for the first time. She made me put her on speakerphone to tell him -- direct quote -- "If Racer has said her mother is crazy, I'll bet you're thinking everyone thinks their parents are crazy. In Racer's case, she's just telling you the truth.") Nonetheless, that wouldn't make it any less stressful. Out of all my strategies, I think preparing myself for a great deal of distress was possibly the most helpful.
In your case, you can also include the argument -- either to help you get through it, or to offer to them -- that the therapy will help you find a stronger psychological foundation for moving forward in your life. "My psychological challenges interfered with my career path -- resolving them will remove that obstacle to optimal success." I think that would help me, and maybe it will help you.
My last thought is a practical one: it helps if you prepare them ahead of time. If you're going to ask in person, call ahead and let them know you're going to ask them to lend you some money for therapy. If you're going to ask on the telephone, call and ask when it would be convenient for you to discuss borrowing some money? Sometimes that allows some of their reaction to dissipate before you actually have to talk to them.
Best luck at it. I hope you'll let us know how it turns out for you -- not only do we care, but we may learn something ourselves from it!
Posted by softheprairie on September 11, 2008, at 20:14:15
In reply to Re: How do you ask for help? » JayMac, posted by Daisym on September 10, 2008, at 22:40:02
I find it interesting that responses to the post have referred to borrowing/a loan from parents when that wasn't in the original. I assumed it was asking for assistance that was just as a parental gift. I've only ever had the gift form. Perhaps it's that I'm worse off in my level of functioning than some of you are? I'm currently on social security disability and Mom knows I can't afford to repay her. Without her financial help, I can't imagine what I would have done during the period of months of waiting before disability income started; I would have lost my modest home and had to move in with others. Mom did offer that I could move back in with her, but luckily I was able to stay in my own place.
Posted by JayMac on September 11, 2008, at 21:25:24
In reply to How do you ask for help?, posted by JayMac on September 10, 2008, at 18:12:17
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, experience, and suggestions.
I still haven't spoken with my family. I've been trying warm up the oven, sort of speak, by first emailing them to get a sense if I will be rejected. They don't know I'm having difficulty, by the way. But I have found a way to get more insurance to help pay for a few sessions with my T. I've been praying lately, about this, and about a whole host of other things so I know God will provide me with what I need. I want so much, but He will give me what I need.
Anyhow, thanks again for reading. Love you all!
Jay
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