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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annierose on July 11, 2008, at 16:25:37
Last Tuesday I started my session telling my t how confusing emotions are for me. I realized when I think of several relationships or events in my life, I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I'm so unsure of what I FEEL at my core. Of course she wanted an example and at first nothing popped into my head.
The best I could come up with is a long weekend she was taking this week. I told her I knew I'd be okay with this short break but another part of me was worried.
T: Are you worried that I won't think about you?
Me: Worse than that.
T: What could be worse?
Me: That you are thrilled to leave your work with me behind, albeit for a short time.
T: Sounds like an old memory, when you came home from school and your mom was napping and she said, "leave me alone, let me rest, don't bother me."
Me: More like you are sick and tired of my endless talking about the same stuff over and over and thank goodness you don't have to see this clinging client on Thursday ....
T: NO! (sharply interrupting then dramatic pause). Annie that is NOT true.Her sudden "NO" brought me to tears. It felt so genuine. At one point she was telling me how important it is to unravel this thinking, I looked over to her and said "You think?" crying and laughing simultaneously.
The beginning question came full circle near the end of the session. I guess I'm also questioning "LOVE" ... what is means and feels like. I certainly feel something for my parents, a caring sort of LOVE but it certainly isn't the kind of love my kids feel for me and I feel for them. I thought this because when I dropped my daughter off to camp for 4 weeks, she told me, "Don't say 'I miss you' in your cards & letters. It's hard for me when I think you are missing me." That kind of threw me. "I miss you" carries such heaviness in her heart.
My t explained that it's okay to feel conflicting emotions at times. Life isn't always so black & white ... for instance you can laugh at a joke the first time you hear it and realize later it was offensive and maybe not so funny.
I'm not sure I'm making much sense.
Daisy was helpful in pointing out that I grew up with people telling me how I felt and I often didn't question it. My father and mother still like telling me what I should and should not be doing in regards to my kids, my business, etc. Drives me crazy. They could be giving me a great idea but as soon as they say, "Why don't you ... Have you ever thought to do ..." I turned off my ears and do not listen.
Has anyone else struggled holding on to more than one emotion? Or just a sense of knowing how you feel about something. Even a simple question, "Did you like this movie?" I have to think and hopefully answer before someone else changes my mind about it.
Posted by Looney Tunes on July 11, 2008, at 19:15:37
In reply to Confusion with understanding feelings, posted by Annierose on July 11, 2008, at 16:25:37
Hi Annie,
I have a very difficult time holding onto conflicting emotions. I am usually one emotion only. I think it is a problem that many people in therapy have. For example: "My T still cares about me, even when she is frustrated." I remember my old T would tell me this over and over again, because all I could grasp was that "T is frustrated at me."
I do want to say, that you are really lucky that your T said that to you. It sounds as if your T really cares about you.
LT
Posted by no_rose_garden on July 11, 2008, at 19:26:06
In reply to Confusion with understanding feelings, posted by Annierose on July 11, 2008, at 16:25:37
Wow...the last part of the dialogue of you and your T was really powerful... I (and probably many others) often feel like a burden and that they don't really care... It must have been amazing to be in that situation.
I started crying when I read what she said. It may have been worse, but I have to hold it back as I am at work.
I suppose this isn't really an answer...sorry
Posted by Dinah on July 11, 2008, at 20:08:47
In reply to Confusion with understanding feelings, posted by Annierose on July 11, 2008, at 16:25:37
I doubt there are many things that don't provoke ambivalent feelings in me. I tend to get lost in shades of grey, all tangled up and paralyzed.
Recently I've tried to change my thinking in a way that I stumbled upon and that has been helpful for me. Instead of using "but" in my statements of ambivalent feelings, I am trying to substitute "and".
My therapist cares very much about me *and* he is extremely forgetful in ways that hurt me.
My mother is wonderful with little children *and* she's very difficult with everyone else.
I am conscientious in many ways and try to do what is right *and* I am not infrequently self indulgent and lazy.
That movie was very funny and exciting *and* it was about twenty minutes too long.
I'm not sure if this is to the point for you. It has proved helpful for me, although I couldn't really tell you why that little change has been so helpful.
Posted by Dinah on July 11, 2008, at 20:16:09
In reply to Confusion with understanding feelings, posted by Annierose on July 11, 2008, at 16:25:37
Also, I am really loving hearing about your therapy lately. You're in such a terrific place with your therapist, and you surely deserve it after all the work you've put in.
:)
Posted by Dinah on July 11, 2008, at 20:44:29
In reply to Re: Confusion with understanding feelings » Annierose, posted by Dinah on July 11, 2008, at 20:08:47
Maybe the and/but substitution is helpful to me because it represents acceptance rather than a struggle for synthesis? I don't need to fit the one half of the statement with the other in any way.
Again, I'm not sure if your view of black/white and shades of grey is similar to mine, so I'm not sure if this has any applicability.
Posted by sunnydays on July 11, 2008, at 21:36:48
In reply to Re: Confusion with understanding feelings, posted by Dinah on July 11, 2008, at 20:44:29
I love that idea, Dinah. I will have to think about it for myself. Annie, I loved hearing about your conversation with T - thank you!
sunnydays
Posted by Daisym on July 12, 2008, at 0:15:00
In reply to Re: Confusion with understanding feelings » Dinah, posted by sunnydays on July 11, 2008, at 21:36:48
I'm getting better at holding more than one feeling at a time and being able to verbalize them...but frequently I wail, "but I DON'T want to be upset about this (or afraid, or sad or whatever)." I find I'm still wishing for what I believe to be the "correct" emotion - like my reactions are either right or wrong.
Not only did I grow up being told how I feel or what my reality was, but I learned to scan and monitor everyone else so I think my feelings were never my own - they were everyone else's. I tell my therapist that I wish he had a ticker tape on his forehead so I could "read" him better. He tells me I read him too well already. Do you ever wonder if your feelings are the correct feelings?
Posted by Annierose on July 12, 2008, at 7:14:11
In reply to Re: Confusion with understanding feelings, posted by Looney Tunes on July 11, 2008, at 19:15:37
Thank you. It's nice knowing I'm not the only person struggling to figure out what I'm feeling.
Posted by Annierose on July 12, 2008, at 7:15:48
In reply to Re: Confusion with understanding feelings, posted by no_rose_garden on July 11, 2008, at 19:26:06
Thank you for your support. I am in a long term psychodynamic therapy, so I do feel close to her.
Posted by Annierose on July 12, 2008, at 7:22:29
In reply to Re: Confusion with understanding feelings » Annierose, posted by Dinah on July 11, 2008, at 20:08:47
I forgot about the use of the "and" word. I remember a parenting class I took years ago and the teacher said "and" is a powerful word to use with kids.
"You can watch TV AND you must do your homework first."
I like how you are using the word even better. This is definitely a part of what I'm feeling and other part is "what is the 'right' feeling?" if that makes sense.
My therapy has been in a good place for a few months now ... at the same time ... I also feel more vulnerable and exposed. I noticed I'm covering my face now and then with my hands, something I haven't done in a few years. On the flip side I walk into her room knowing she does care about me (the rational me) so it's safe to be there. At least I think I feel that!!
Posted by Annierose on July 12, 2008, at 7:24:09
In reply to Re: Confusion with understanding feelings » Dinah, posted by sunnydays on July 11, 2008, at 21:36:48
Sunny -
Thank you. I read your struggles and I know how painful that place feels. Keep working at it. It is so hard.
Posted by Annierose on July 12, 2008, at 7:34:43
In reply to Re: Confusion with understanding feelings, posted by Daisym on July 12, 2008, at 0:15:00
This is a huge part this frustating feeling ... what is the 'right' answer type of mentality. (not sure if that is spelled right)
In therapy this plays out when she asks me a question. Depending upon the question I take my time answering thinking, "Is this the answer she wants to hear, or is this how I feel, or is this what I think I want to feel or how I'm suppose to feel ... " on and on ... minutes go by and she will wait or ask, "Did you understand the question?"
Often I answer with clarifications and waivers, "Well my feelings about xyz are not linear."
I feel better in reading all these responses that I'm not alone. Thank for you adding another piece to the puzzle.
Posted by antigua3 on July 12, 2008, at 11:06:31
In reply to Re: Confusion with understanding feelings » Daisym, posted by Annierose on July 12, 2008, at 7:34:43
I can't really hold conflicting feelings about a person at the same time. They are either good or bad, which, of course, is classic black and white thinking. I'm trying to recognize this and start thinking in terms of grays. It's hard when it comes to the people that have hurt you.
Also, I'm never sure if my feelings are the "right" feelings about something. It's like I need my T to reinforce my own sense of judgment, although I must admit I've gotten much better at it.
Keep working hard!
antigua
Posted by raisinb on July 12, 2008, at 12:05:04
In reply to Confusion with understanding feelings, posted by Annierose on July 11, 2008, at 16:25:37
That is a lovely story :) You and your therapist have a wonderful relationship.
I have had lots of trouble with this, too. My feelings about my therapist especially have been *extreme*--hate, thinking she's evil one week, loving her and thinking she's wonderful the next.
Once I was hammering at this in my head, trying to figure out which was the "right" answer--is she bad or good? Did I screw up or did I make the right choice? Is my attachment to her okay, or is it evidence of my own damage?
I realized that a lot of the conflict was about whether I am okay or not, not just whether she is good or bad. Am I stupid, do I keep making terrible choices? Will I be doomed to repeat these patterns forever because I carry them with me like a disease?
I don't know whether it is similar for you or not.
I also decided that maybe a synthesis of "she's good" and "she's bad" might be "she's mine--she's what I chose, and that is neither good nor bad, but it's what I want, and I will be okay with that for now."
It is hard to remember that a lot of the time, but I come back to it frequently.
Posted by Fallsfall on July 13, 2008, at 8:54:06
In reply to Confusion with understanding feelings, posted by Annierose on July 11, 2008, at 16:25:37
I like Dinah's "and" strategy. I have gotten much better about holding ambivalent feelings. Progress on this is possible. And I think it is kind of a relief to be able to do this. It means that you don't have to choose between the opposites. One less decision...
I think it is important to recognize that your feelings are yours - not any body else's. Even if "most" people would feel one way in a given situation that doesn't mean that YOU would feel that way. It can be helpful to try to figure out why your feelings are different from the majority, but your feelings are your feelings and even if your mother thinks they should be different, or if 99.9% of people would feel differently, they are still the feelings you have. Changing your view of a situation can lead to your feelings changing (this is what therapy can accomplish). But your feelings just ARE.
You are certainly not alone with these struggles. Keep working at it.
And try to believe that you ARE loved - by your therapist, your kids, me. You are not a bother and in the way - you are wonderful.
Love,
Falls
Posted by Dinah on July 13, 2008, at 11:05:09
In reply to Re: Confusion with understanding feelings » Annierose, posted by Fallsfall on July 13, 2008, at 8:54:06
I like what Falls said. I couldn't figure out how to say it.
Posted by Annierose on July 13, 2008, at 15:18:18
In reply to Re: Confusion with understanding feelings » Annierose, posted by antigua3 on July 12, 2008, at 11:06:31
Glad to know that I'm not alone in this struggle. You keep up the good work too.
Posted by Annierose on July 13, 2008, at 15:23:48
In reply to Re: Confusion with understanding feelings » Annierose, posted by raisinb on July 12, 2008, at 12:05:04
My feelings about my therapist are not the source of my ambivalence ... it's much more often about mundane and even so-called 'important' feelings. I love my therapist. That's not to say she doesn't disappoint me at times or anger me.
Keep talking to your t about all these feelings. You are working so hard. Sometimes it's hard to see the big picture inside the t's office.
Posted by Annierose on July 13, 2008, at 15:26:44
In reply to Re: Confusion with understanding feelings » Annierose, posted by Fallsfall on July 13, 2008, at 8:54:06
Thank you Falls - the loving feelings seep in once in awhile - those are the times when I can dance alone in my house (grin). I like the "and" strategy too. I've been thinking about it. The other part is the feeling there is a right answer. This needs more work for sure.
Posted by Annierose on July 13, 2008, at 15:27:44
In reply to Re: Confusion with understanding feelings, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2008, at 11:05:09
You did say it so I could understand!! You are being much too hard on yourself. I valued your observation and perspective!! A LOT!
This is the end of the thread.
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