Posted by Annierose on July 11, 2008, at 16:25:37
Last Tuesday I started my session telling my t how confusing emotions are for me. I realized when I think of several relationships or events in my life, I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I'm so unsure of what I FEEL at my core. Of course she wanted an example and at first nothing popped into my head.
The best I could come up with is a long weekend she was taking this week. I told her I knew I'd be okay with this short break but another part of me was worried.
T: Are you worried that I won't think about you?
Me: Worse than that.
T: What could be worse?
Me: That you are thrilled to leave your work with me behind, albeit for a short time.
T: Sounds like an old memory, when you came home from school and your mom was napping and she said, "leave me alone, let me rest, don't bother me."
Me: More like you are sick and tired of my endless talking about the same stuff over and over and thank goodness you don't have to see this clinging client on Thursday ....
T: NO! (sharply interrupting then dramatic pause). Annie that is NOT true.Her sudden "NO" brought me to tears. It felt so genuine. At one point she was telling me how important it is to unravel this thinking, I looked over to her and said "You think?" crying and laughing simultaneously.
The beginning question came full circle near the end of the session. I guess I'm also questioning "LOVE" ... what is means and feels like. I certainly feel something for my parents, a caring sort of LOVE but it certainly isn't the kind of love my kids feel for me and I feel for them. I thought this because when I dropped my daughter off to camp for 4 weeks, she told me, "Don't say 'I miss you' in your cards & letters. It's hard for me when I think you are missing me." That kind of threw me. "I miss you" carries such heaviness in her heart.
My t explained that it's okay to feel conflicting emotions at times. Life isn't always so black & white ... for instance you can laugh at a joke the first time you hear it and realize later it was offensive and maybe not so funny.
I'm not sure I'm making much sense.
Daisy was helpful in pointing out that I grew up with people telling me how I felt and I often didn't question it. My father and mother still like telling me what I should and should not be doing in regards to my kids, my business, etc. Drives me crazy. They could be giving me a great idea but as soon as they say, "Why don't you ... Have you ever thought to do ..." I turned off my ears and do not listen.
Has anyone else struggled holding on to more than one emotion? Or just a sense of knowing how you feel about something. Even a simple question, "Did you like this movie?" I have to think and hopefully answer before someone else changes my mind about it.
poster:Annierose
thread:839291
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080709/msgs/839291.html