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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Vintagemama on August 25, 2006, at 22:10:41
Hello...
Today has been a very hard day. This depression and whatever else is going on is impacting everything in my life... marriage dynamics, I'm being fired from my job since I have been unable to work since February and have been given a "deadline" of September 11th (how appropriate) upon which date if I can't be back at my desk with bells on, "an employment decision will be made" (nice to get THAT registered letter while I was still in the hospital!)... we are facing losing our home and so many other losses... and I am beginning to believe that some of these things are going to be more permanent than not, given the cognitive deficits that I can't seem to surmount. (I was a pretty successful computer geek for a long time, and now have to use tech support to do things I could have done half-asleep when I was functional).
I've gone from numb to pasting a smile on and being probably unrealistically positive to an anger that is terribly uncharacteristic of me and I HATE it. Were it not for the tranquilizers I am taking pending the next step of trying Parnate, I don't think I'd be here. My faith seems far away and I wake up every day wondering who this stranger is who has invaded my home and relationships and is stealing my life.I need help. My insurance company has informed me that benefits for this year are gone since this is a "psychological problem" and each time I had an ECT treatment, they covered it with one of my allowed outpatient visits!!! I can't pay the hospital bills piling up on the desk as it is, and don't know where I can get help dealing with all of this garbage. I saw a book about dealing with the grief of mental illness on Amazon but don't want to spend the money if it's not worthwhile - author is Virginia Lafond.
ANY and all advice appreciated. I'm floundering and there are really no people in my life who understand this - pastor preaches "Are you depressed? You don't need drugs, you need God", relatives nearby have their own issues and/or are elderly and/or ill, husband loves me and I know he's trying, but just not the kind of person who can really be a "listener", nor do I want to tell him how often suicide sounds like a pretty peaceful alternative to dealing with all of this life stuff when I can't think straight. I can't drive right now per psychiatrist and neurologist so that's also an issue.
Thanks for reading and if you have any advice, please, I need it.
Vintagemama
Posted by finelinebob on August 26, 2006, at 17:08:39
In reply to Coming to terms/grieving losses related to illness, posted by Vintagemama on August 25, 2006, at 22:10:41
Is the September 11th comment truly appropriate? If so, if what you are going through is related to the events of that day, then call 1-800-LIFENET (543-3638) or go to http://www.9-11MentalHealth.org . LifeNet runs the mental health benefits program sponsored by the Red Cross for people suffering from 9/11. The program is coming to an end in a little more than a year, and from the letters I keep getting it sounds like the generousity of people back then still has a lot left to help out others. If you qualify, you may be able to submit medical expenses that date back before your acceptance into the program, but I'm not sure on that one.
Contact Social Security about disability insurance. I had to go this route. Even doctor and psychologist I know kept telling me "Whatever they tell you at first, fight it and keep fighting it until they say yes to you." Well, I got an electronic funds deposit of 2 years of payments in arrears (the limit by law that they could give) two days before I got the letter saying I was accepted into the program. They said yes on the first "try". When you are ready for work again, you continue to receive benefits for 9 months, then you have a case evaluation to see if you still need full benefits, can move down to SSI, or are ready to leave the program completely.
Contact the department in your state's government that handles Medicaid as well to see if you can gain some coverage through them. I didn't have the greatest experience with Medicaid where I was when I needed it, but it did get me a doctor when I could afford none.
Do you feel you have been treated unfairly by your employer? Can you locate a mental health/disability advocacy group in your area? You are disabled. You should be protected from certain actions under the Americans with Disabilities Act. If you can find the free legal aid to help sort through the situation and the law and see if there is something wrong going on, at least file a complaint against them through the EEOC. It may not make your situation any better in the long run, but it will give your company a taste of their own medicine. If you can't find any such advocacy group, try calling your local bar association. Many have service programs for free legal assistance.
If medications are getting too expensive, then check out the web sites of the companies that makes them. Many drug companies have programs for reduced or even free medications for people who demonstrate financial need.
Punch out your pastor. Let him know he "needs God" more than you do, if all he knows of God as a pastor of God are rote-memory platitudes.
(sorry deputies, but I can't be civil when it comes to hypocracy (and her pastor, AFAIK, is not a Babblelander))
Come to Babbleland as often as you want/need. Let us know how you are doing. If you're brave enough and/or trusting enough, bring your husband here, too -- he may be overwhelmed himself with wondering how to support you best. If he wants support himself, or if he wants to ask us how to be supportive of you, you can bet we'll let him know!
My $0.02. Welcome to Babble. May you find peace, strength, support and hope here.
flb
Posted by Vintagemama on August 26, 2006, at 20:36:20
In reply to Re: Coming to terms/grieving losses related to illness, posted by finelinebob on August 26, 2006, at 17:08:39
Thanks so much for replying...
The September 11 reference is just the date that my manager stated that the "employment decision would have to be made". The only significance is the irony of it.
I'm going to contact Social Security and see what happens... unfortunately the Employee Assistance people at the medical center where I work already said that there is nothing legally I can do about the job situation. After the 12-week FMLA leave I took, when first this happened, it was the end of their obligation to retain me.
There is a NAMI group in town that I am going to contact. Don't know of anyone else.
Meanwhile, the doc put me on a longer-lasting tranq and it is helping somewhat. I sure hope the Parnate works when I can begin taking it (next week I see the doctor). Some days are worse than others, naturally. This morning was brutal. I paced, cried, listened to the song "Mad World" until my hubby was quite worried, and rightfully so, babbled about being locked up, begged him to call the doctor on Monday if I am still having these "attacks" to ask for ANYTHING that will help.
The anger was also there. "I DON'T DESERVE TO BE FIRED!!!! I WAS AN EXCELLENT EMPLOYEE BEFORE I BECAME ILL AND THE PEOPLE I WORKED WITH ALL RESPECTED MY ABILITIES AND CARED ABOUT ME! IT'S NOT LIKE I !!!!!WANT!!!!!! TO BE THIS WAY!!!"
And... I am going to try to look for a new church. However, I really want to write Pastor a letter to explain why and encourage him to get some education. It is sad. Our daughter was just married there in December...
Thanks again for listening.
Posted by Jost on August 27, 2006, at 11:42:11
In reply to Re: Coming to terms/grieving losses related to illness, posted by Vintagemama on August 26, 2006, at 20:36:20
Hi, VintageMama.
I'm sorry to hear about your losses, especially your cognitive, job and marital difficulties. Being in the hospital itself is confining, and uprooting.
Any one of those is a lot to cope with, even if you weren't depressed.
'There a a lot of different boards, or discussion areas, here on Babble. You'll see them at the top, vertically, in a list, and at the bottom, horizontally, on all psychobabble pages.
The psychology board, for example is one of the more frequented boards, where people talk about the emotional and spiritual (although not so much religious) aspects of what's going on for them.
There is a faith board, also, for talking about religious issues. It's less active, and you need to look at the guidelines, because there are people of different faiths here-- but is also a place you might want to visit.
Another one I hope you check out is the psychobabble main page, which is about biological treatments (Anti-Depressants, ECT, new treatments, etc). You've probably seen it, but I recommend posting, reading, and searching, there, when you're in the trial or consideration, or ongoing "this is great" or "this isn't great--has anyone had this experience, have any ideas?" phase.
There are lots of posts about Parnate, and other MAOIs, including a new one, Emsam. Also about drug combinations, and drugs that boost the effect of an AD that isn't working enough, or used to work, and has diminished.
There are all the others, such as Social, Self-Esteem, Withdrawal (esp. from ADs--anti-depressants-- as well as anything), and a chatline, that's most active at night.
This seems to be a somewhat slow few weeks on Babble-- but things may pick up. The end of August, vacations, and so forth.
I hope the Parnate works for you, and that you recover much of what you've lost. That's something many of us are working for. I also hope you can connect to something here that gives you support and helps you plan toward the future.
It's very important to have someone to talk to, whom you trust. Preferably in your own home, and hometown. But this is also a place where there are a lot of great and thoughtful people.
Welcome to Babble,
Jost
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