Posted by Vintagemama on August 25, 2006, at 22:10:41
Hello...
Today has been a very hard day. This depression and whatever else is going on is impacting everything in my life... marriage dynamics, I'm being fired from my job since I have been unable to work since February and have been given a "deadline" of September 11th (how appropriate) upon which date if I can't be back at my desk with bells on, "an employment decision will be made" (nice to get THAT registered letter while I was still in the hospital!)... we are facing losing our home and so many other losses... and I am beginning to believe that some of these things are going to be more permanent than not, given the cognitive deficits that I can't seem to surmount. (I was a pretty successful computer geek for a long time, and now have to use tech support to do things I could have done half-asleep when I was functional).
I've gone from numb to pasting a smile on and being probably unrealistically positive to an anger that is terribly uncharacteristic of me and I HATE it. Were it not for the tranquilizers I am taking pending the next step of trying Parnate, I don't think I'd be here. My faith seems far away and I wake up every day wondering who this stranger is who has invaded my home and relationships and is stealing my life.I need help. My insurance company has informed me that benefits for this year are gone since this is a "psychological problem" and each time I had an ECT treatment, they covered it with one of my allowed outpatient visits!!! I can't pay the hospital bills piling up on the desk as it is, and don't know where I can get help dealing with all of this garbage. I saw a book about dealing with the grief of mental illness on Amazon but don't want to spend the money if it's not worthwhile - author is Virginia Lafond.
ANY and all advice appreciated. I'm floundering and there are really no people in my life who understand this - pastor preaches "Are you depressed? You don't need drugs, you need God", relatives nearby have their own issues and/or are elderly and/or ill, husband loves me and I know he's trying, but just not the kind of person who can really be a "listener", nor do I want to tell him how often suicide sounds like a pretty peaceful alternative to dealing with all of this life stuff when I can't think straight. I can't drive right now per psychiatrist and neurologist so that's also an issue.
Thanks for reading and if you have any advice, please, I need it.
Vintagemama
poster:Vintagemama
thread:680155
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/newbs/20060108/msgs/680155.html