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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by marfaith on June 1, 2005, at 14:02:32
This may sound like a stupid question, but, how long? My mother died three years ago and I feel like it was yesterday. I don't enjoy any holiday's. I have a reoccurring dream that it is Christmas Day and I haven't put up my tree or any Christmas decorations because she is gone. My dad died one year ago. I feel like a little kid that just wants her parents back. I am a married middle aged woman and have grown kids of my own, but, I am depressed all the time. I have dealt with depression before so this is nothing new. Most of the time I don't want to be here. I do take medication that I really don't think is helping me, but then again, I may be a lot worse if I weren't taking it. I don't know what to do at this point. I just go through the motions.
Posted by TofuEmmy on June 1, 2005, at 16:01:37
In reply to How long does a person grieve?, posted by marfaith on June 1, 2005, at 14:02:32
Are you in therapy? I ask because you've had two MAJOR losses in three years. That's huge. Processing that without help would be very difficult.
There is no answer to "how long", but you probably knew that. In my experience, we don't really stop grieving...it just gets less difficult over time. But what we CAN do is to determine how that loss changed us, and figure out how to accept the new me. For me that was the only way I could go on.
You might look up William Worden on the Internet and read about his Tasks of Grief. I've found that to be helpful.
If you are not seeing a T, I'd do that soon.
hugs, emmy
Posted by marfaith on June 2, 2005, at 10:36:02
In reply to Re: How long does a person grieve? » marfaith, posted by TofuEmmy on June 1, 2005, at 16:01:37
> Are you in therapy? I ask because you've had two MAJOR losses in three years. That's huge. Processing that without help would be very difficult.
>
> There is no answer to "how long", but you probably knew that. In my experience, we don't really stop grieving...it just gets less difficult over time. But what we CAN do is to determine how that loss changed us, and figure out how to accept the new me. For me that was the only way I could go on.
>
> You might look up William Worden on the Internet and read about his Tasks of Grief. I've found that to be helpful.
>
> If you are not seeing a T, I'd do that soon.
>
> hugs, emmy
>
>Thanks emmy. I have not seen a therapist. Sometimes I think I need to. I talked to my Internist about it on my last visit and he said that he thought I was too private of a person to truely open up to someone, which may be true. So I don't know if it would work for me. I know I need something. I just feel like I am drowning at times. I know it is something I have to work through. I am having a rough time with it right now. Mother's Day and Father's Day doesn't help. I will look that up on the internet. Thanks again. Mary
Posted by corafree on June 2, 2005, at 11:49:49
In reply to How long does a person grieve?, posted by marfaith on June 1, 2005, at 14:02:32
Marfaith: My Dad passed away 15 mos now. I sometimes have huge, big, ugly crys that I swear people could hear through a house and leave me limp. I also have tearing up when something reminds me of him or when something happy happens and I wish he were here experiencing it too. My grief releases in bits and huge chunks and crying to sleep. I don't expect I'll be able to look back and smile for quite a long time. My sister is different. She says memories make her happy. I feel like 'no one has my back anymore'. I'm glad we have each other here. If I can smile in a good ten years, I think I'll be doing good. I'm hypothesizing based upon divorce love losses and the amounts of time there. I have another sister who is more like me ... she asks me if 'he was a dream?' One thing that helps me move forward too, I think, besides the 'letting it out', is when I recognize 'him' in myself, his 'ways w/ the little ones' ... when I'm caring for my little granddaughter. I feel he is really still here inside me. best wishes, cf
Posted by shar on June 6, 2005, at 22:52:49
In reply to How long does a person grieve?, posted by marfaith on June 1, 2005, at 14:02:32
Sweetie,
A person grieves as long as need be. Really, there are no rules.Maybe a rite or ritual you can do to honor that person on the anniversary of their death might help. That could be a prayer or a memorial....or whatever you want.
My big sister is planning a memorial to my dad, and inviting folks, so she can say the things she never got to when she was 15.
So.... grief.... well, it takes all kinds of forms, with people or without, just however you want to honor them (if that is what you want to do).
With respect to Xmas trees, I've had them in various stages of dress/undress. If I've had help, my nieces will put on lights (really, that's all I want), or if not, it's just a nude tree. Sometimes left there for months!
Ewwwww, I know how icky that must sound...
But, it is true.
Shar
Posted by marfaith on June 7, 2005, at 10:44:08
In reply to Re: How long does a person grieve?, posted by corafree on June 2, 2005, at 11:49:49
> Marfaith: My Dad passed away 15 mos now. I sometimes have huge, big, ugly crys that I swear people could hear through a house and leave me limp. I also have tearing up when something reminds me of him or when something happy happens and I wish he were here experiencing it too. My grief releases in bits and huge chunks and crying to sleep. I don't expect I'll be able to look back and smile for quite a long time. My sister is different. She says memories make her happy. I feel like 'no one has my back anymore'. I'm glad we have each other here. If I can smile in a good ten years, I think I'll be doing good. I'm hypothesizing based upon divorce love losses and the amounts of time there. I have another sister who is more like me ... she asks me if 'he was a dream?' One thing that helps me move forward too, I think, besides the 'letting it out', is when I recognize 'him' in myself, his 'ways w/ the little ones' ... when I'm caring for my little granddaughter. I feel he is really still here inside me. best wishes, cf
Thanks cf. I totally understand what you mean about not being able to look back and smiling for awhile. That's how I feel. I know I need to focus on the people that I love that are here now. This is just really hard.
Posted by marfaith on June 7, 2005, at 10:51:43
In reply to Re: How long does a person grieve? » marfaith, posted by shar on June 6, 2005, at 22:52:49
> Sweetie,
> A person grieves as long as need be. Really, there are no rules.
>
> Maybe a rite or ritual you can do to honor that person on the anniversary of their death might help. That could be a prayer or a memorial....or whatever you want.
>
> My big sister is planning a memorial to my dad, and inviting folks, so she can say the things she never got to when she was 15.
>
> So.... grief.... well, it takes all kinds of forms, with people or without, just however you want to honor them (if that is what you want to do).
>
> With respect to Xmas trees, I've had them in various stages of dress/undress. If I've had help, my nieces will put on lights (really, that's all I want), or if not, it's just a nude tree. Sometimes left there for months!
>
> Ewwwww, I know how icky that must sound...
>
> But, it is true.
>
> SharThanks Shar. I think we should have our tree anyway we want it! That is so nice of your sister to do that. What a great idea. And what a great way of remembering your dad. Mary
Posted by shar on June 8, 2005, at 0:15:47
In reply to Re: How long does a person grieve?, posted by marfaith on June 7, 2005, at 10:51:43
So, how goes it?
Shar
Posted by corafree on June 8, 2005, at 13:51:56
In reply to Re: How long does a person grieve? » marfaith, posted by shar on June 8, 2005, at 0:15:47
Just following posts along is so helpful with my grief. I miss Dad so much every single day STILL, but thank God for the spirit he brought to my life and try to remember it lives in me. As for the memories, some 'I cry happy' and some 'I cry sad and ask for forgiveness'. I know he wants me to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and to love my children and two little grandchildren with the spirit he would have loved them! My heart is w/ you all. cf
Posted by Mimi on June 14, 2005, at 21:55:23
In reply to How long does a person grieve?, posted by marfaith on June 1, 2005, at 14:02:32
Is your marriage happy and supportive? If not, just let it go and move on, as midlife is a time for moving on.
Mimi
I've heard 2 years is the standard for grief, unless there are complicating factors.
Posted by marfaith on June 20, 2005, at 16:15:26
In reply to Re: How long does a person grieve? » marfaith, posted by shar on June 8, 2005, at 0:15:47
I started going back to church this past Sunday, Father's Day. I get peace from that. I lit candles for both my mom and dad. Makes me feel like I am still doing something for them. My mom was real big on lighting candles for people and saying prayers. My dad would always kid her about spending a fortune :) I will try and think of the happy moments like that when I am having a bad day. Thanks for checking on me.
Mary
Posted by marfaith on June 20, 2005, at 16:21:27
In reply to Re: How long does a person grieve?, posted by Mimi on June 14, 2005, at 21:55:23
> Is your marriage happy and supportive? If not, just let it go and move on, as midlife is a time for moving on.
>
> Mimi
> I've heard 2 years is the standard for grief, unless there are complicating factors.Hi Mimi
Not sure how to answer that. I could go on and on about that.Mary
Posted by bethesdabob on October 29, 2005, at 17:37:17
In reply to Re: How long does a person grieve?, posted by marfaith on June 20, 2005, at 16:21:27
Coming up on the second anniversary of my wife's death, there's no timeline to predict the ending of grief, it just takes time, I still miss wife everyday.
Posted by Charles B on November 29, 2005, at 13:44:57
In reply to Re: How long does a person grieve?, posted by corafree on June 2, 2005, at 11:49:49
Posted by corafree on November 29, 2005, at 23:16:18
In reply to Re: How long does a person grieve?, posted by bethesdabob on October 29, 2005, at 17:37:17
Hello fellow grievers.
I don't understand re: post by Charles B. (I believe.) .. no message.
My father passed away nearly two years ago .. Feb 2, 2004. After that, 'my home in Iowa' passed away. Recently, 'my home here' and 'a 10 year significant-other relationship' passed away.
I usually cry every night, except when I am so tired or confused, and don't know what I feel.
It usually always goes back to Dad. I am crying out for him. I ask God/Jesus to fill me w/ love so that in sharing it I may find happiness again or may meet or become someone like my father.
I had an unusual relationship w/ him .. I was the 'black sheep' of five, but to him I was 'the great white sheep'. To me, he was everything I desire to be.
I cry (Bags under my eyes not good at my age.) and am lonesome, but I shut myself away from the outside (men - they've abused, lied, stolen, and always wanted sex more than 'me'.
Women .. I also don't trust so well as 'they hid behind their lies of perfect lives' as I tried to find someone that had been through my situation. They left me feeling lesser than they.
In this new rented condo (which I thought I'd have died in a couple weeks back or more .. was so lonesome and felt so out of place, and still do a little .. posted on babble), I'm slowing trying to make it feel like a home, my home.
I have high expectations of others and when see something I believe is wrong, I bring it out in the open.
My daughter on bed rest said 'just give it a year (this condo) and try not to overdo anything'. She said to just try hanging on and see how it goes'.
That's the way 'she counsels me' .. her mom.
I need to find a therapist as good as her.
She has been 'a wonderful support group', but expecting and on severe bed rest (Has been on for 6mos now.), has a 4-y/o, and a good marriage which I wish to stay that way.
I have been writing some ridiculously humorous messages/emails to my extended fam' about holidays.
They really help me, but my daughter says I need to let others know if I'm serious or not, as some of my extended fam' seems to think I'm a 'lost cause'.
Going through Wal-Mart couple days ago, I spoke 'This rat race is making me sooo sick .. I've got to get out of here!' loudly enough for passers-by to hear .. wanted to say what I knew some others had to be thinking, so that it would make them feel comfortable. Didn't leave w/o first telling management they really needed to announce 'Cancel Code Adam' more than once! My daughter hid. Well,...I'd been busy following my list (It's hard enough to do one thing at a time.) and at the same time feeling so totally selfish, while constantly thinking a child or mother were being kidnapped or murdered. They announced 'Canel Code Adam' only once, but I'd not heard it.
I can't see a future of holidays that could be beautiful as the ones I've had when my father was still here in the flesh.
But I continually pray, for I know that's what he would want. He loved life and he wants me to also.
I have a dx of GAD and that's pretty right on, considering society cannot give a diagnostic code to 'generalized sadness disorder'.
I did have my first (and hopefully my last) nervous breakdown the Spring of this year. I had begun to feel as if I couldn't walk and would lean against walls for strength or onto chairs etc., and 'probably should have had a cane', was hyperventilating 24/7 (Except when asleep, I think?!) and my head felt like the top of it was going to blow out. I was losing a couple lbs a day.
I finally asked my daughter to take me to a hospital and was admitted. I had begun to see the floor go out from under my feet. To my surprise, my thoughts were clear, as long as I managed not to take the 'treat you like a mentally retarded child' attitude of some caretakers too seriously. That wasn't easy at times. I'd bang on the nurses' station window until I got what I needed to survive. And, thanks to my mind, my bothering the nurses, and my sometimes demanding demeanor, me and Valium made it out pulled together.
Shortly after, I began bio-identical hormone treatment which gave me a great sense of well-being.
God was looking out for me re: above incidents.
I sometimes grow frustrated @ God/Jesus, for he hasn't helped me in the lonely and loveless life area yet.
I thank him for my daughter who says 'it's okay to just take your time mom'.
I never call my mother if I am overwhelmed. She tells me to 'stop crying'.
Does anyone have an opinion on that? Is it really bad to cry too much??
lovebestwishes, cf
> Coming up on the second anniversary of my wife's death, there's no timeline to predict the ending of grief, it just takes time, I still miss wife everyday.
Posted by ghostshadow on January 12, 2006, at 12:05:20
In reply to How long does a person grieve?, posted by marfaith on June 1, 2005, at 14:02:32
forever...
This is the end of the thread.
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