Posted by corafree on November 29, 2005, at 23:16:18
In reply to Re: How long does a person grieve?, posted by bethesdabob on October 29, 2005, at 17:37:17
Hello fellow grievers.
I don't understand re: post by Charles B. (I believe.) .. no message.
My father passed away nearly two years ago .. Feb 2, 2004. After that, 'my home in Iowa' passed away. Recently, 'my home here' and 'a 10 year significant-other relationship' passed away.
I usually cry every night, except when I am so tired or confused, and don't know what I feel.
It usually always goes back to Dad. I am crying out for him. I ask God/Jesus to fill me w/ love so that in sharing it I may find happiness again or may meet or become someone like my father.
I had an unusual relationship w/ him .. I was the 'black sheep' of five, but to him I was 'the great white sheep'. To me, he was everything I desire to be.
I cry (Bags under my eyes not good at my age.) and am lonesome, but I shut myself away from the outside (men - they've abused, lied, stolen, and always wanted sex more than 'me'.
Women .. I also don't trust so well as 'they hid behind their lies of perfect lives' as I tried to find someone that had been through my situation. They left me feeling lesser than they.
In this new rented condo (which I thought I'd have died in a couple weeks back or more .. was so lonesome and felt so out of place, and still do a little .. posted on babble), I'm slowing trying to make it feel like a home, my home.
I have high expectations of others and when see something I believe is wrong, I bring it out in the open.
My daughter on bed rest said 'just give it a year (this condo) and try not to overdo anything'. She said to just try hanging on and see how it goes'.
That's the way 'she counsels me' .. her mom.
I need to find a therapist as good as her.
She has been 'a wonderful support group', but expecting and on severe bed rest (Has been on for 6mos now.), has a 4-y/o, and a good marriage which I wish to stay that way.
I have been writing some ridiculously humorous messages/emails to my extended fam' about holidays.
They really help me, but my daughter says I need to let others know if I'm serious or not, as some of my extended fam' seems to think I'm a 'lost cause'.
Going through Wal-Mart couple days ago, I spoke 'This rat race is making me sooo sick .. I've got to get out of here!' loudly enough for passers-by to hear .. wanted to say what I knew some others had to be thinking, so that it would make them feel comfortable. Didn't leave w/o first telling management they really needed to announce 'Cancel Code Adam' more than once! My daughter hid. Well,...I'd been busy following my list (It's hard enough to do one thing at a time.) and at the same time feeling so totally selfish, while constantly thinking a child or mother were being kidnapped or murdered. They announced 'Canel Code Adam' only once, but I'd not heard it.
I can't see a future of holidays that could be beautiful as the ones I've had when my father was still here in the flesh.
But I continually pray, for I know that's what he would want. He loved life and he wants me to also.
I have a dx of GAD and that's pretty right on, considering society cannot give a diagnostic code to 'generalized sadness disorder'.
I did have my first (and hopefully my last) nervous breakdown the Spring of this year. I had begun to feel as if I couldn't walk and would lean against walls for strength or onto chairs etc., and 'probably should have had a cane', was hyperventilating 24/7 (Except when asleep, I think?!) and my head felt like the top of it was going to blow out. I was losing a couple lbs a day.
I finally asked my daughter to take me to a hospital and was admitted. I had begun to see the floor go out from under my feet. To my surprise, my thoughts were clear, as long as I managed not to take the 'treat you like a mentally retarded child' attitude of some caretakers too seriously. That wasn't easy at times. I'd bang on the nurses' station window until I got what I needed to survive. And, thanks to my mind, my bothering the nurses, and my sometimes demanding demeanor, me and Valium made it out pulled together.
Shortly after, I began bio-identical hormone treatment which gave me a great sense of well-being.
God was looking out for me re: above incidents.
I sometimes grow frustrated @ God/Jesus, for he hasn't helped me in the lonely and loveless life area yet.
I thank him for my daughter who says 'it's okay to just take your time mom'.
I never call my mother if I am overwhelmed. She tells me to 'stop crying'.
Does anyone have an opinion on that? Is it really bad to cry too much??
lovebestwishes, cf
> Coming up on the second anniversary of my wife's death, there's no timeline to predict the ending of grief, it just takes time, I still miss wife everyday.
poster:corafree
thread:506311
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20051017/msgs/583556.html