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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by adagiolover1 on January 30, 2005, at 11:29:50
I have read thru some of the posts in the grief forum, and found myself crying, of course.
I lost my son Feb 28th of 2002, he was 20. He had inhaled butane, and I found him in his bed, long gone by that time.
even now, with therapy and love I find that to type or say those words causes me to weep.
At this point, a mere 3 yrs, nothing fills that hole. Fortunately I have another child for whom I have had to do things I didnt want to do..i.e. stay sober, stick around here on earth...and this has been for the best.Losing a child in our society is isolating, and truly devastating. He had left a son who was born 3 mnths after his death, and I have been unable to connect strongly to this child, my only grandchild. part of the reason, I suspect, is because he is a near clone of my son, in looks and personality, a sweet loving child.
Recently I came to the realisation that i have not moved beyond that horrible weekend. That in and of itself is neither 'right' or 'wrong'..it's just where i am.
am beginning to take some steps to recover a semblance of being a part of life, rather than just toughing it out.
Posted by mair on January 30, 2005, at 13:02:43
In reply to Loss of a child...My son, posted by adagiolover1 on January 30, 2005, at 11:29:50
To say that the death of a child is every parent's nightmare, is a severe understatement. Nothing fills me with a greater sense of panic than even thinking about it.
There was a woman in my town who's son died very suddenly in a camping accident in Mexico. His girlfriend was pregnant with his child. The woman I know took in the girlfriend (whom I don't think she even knew) and frankly, sort of took over the raising of this child. This became her life. How don't quite know how this has worked out for the child's mother, who doesn't seem to be around much. Maybe she was sort of chased off by the suffocation of her boyfriend's mother.
I understand how it might be difficult to feel a connection to your grandchild, but I think you need to keep working at this, because someday that child is very much going to want to know about his/her father and the child will need to have that connection. And maybe that connection will help you no matter that the baby is such a painful reminder now.
When I first came on this Board, the 18 or 19 year old daughter of a long time poster was killed in a pedestrian accident. I think it helped him that he had a younger child who had to be tended to. How old is your other child? How has he or she dealt with the loss?
I'm glad that you see yourself as starting to move on. I'm sure your son't death will represent a huge hole in your life for the remainder of your life but maybe you can fill it in a little anyway by finding meaning in other places.
I have all the admiration in the world for you for having stuck things out as long as you have.
Mair
Posted by adagiolover1 on January 30, 2005, at 22:40:03
In reply to Re: Loss of a child...My son, posted by mair on January 30, 2005, at 13:02:43
Mair, thanks for your post. I was intrigued by the story of the woman who raised her grandson. For various reasons.
I know it's important to try to connect to him,(my grandson) but..well, there are no good 'buts'. Right now I am angry at her, his mother, who I have always gotten along with in the past. they were not boy-girl friend when she got pregnant, and the news that she had gotten pregnant was devastating to him, and sent him into a tailspin.
Now, far be it from me to blame the pregnancy...Rob had issues galore growing up the child of an alcoholic.
I mention it I suppose because I find tha tjust recently I want to 'blame' someone else. Have someone else share the 'blame'.
I should look up the Kubler-Ross stuff.....I think there's a stage in grief that is Anger.Here what is most troubling: when I meet (face to face) newly bereaved parents, I am repelled, stunned by their grief, and frankly have no words to say to them. In fact what I want to say, with horror, is My God you are in for the greatest hell you could imagine. and then walk away.
People..so complicated, so fragile.
Posted by judy1 on January 31, 2005, at 12:59:53
In reply to Re: Loss of a child...My son, posted by adagiolover1 on January 30, 2005, at 22:40:03
I, too, can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. you are absolutely correct, anger is a step in the acceptance of loss. I hope you are getting help, whether through a therp- or even better a support group- this is not a journey you should take alone. I pray you are able to accept your grandchild, and see the spirit of your son in this child.
take care, judy
This is the end of the thread.
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