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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Notalis on December 10, 2003, at 13:20:55
My father died last January.
My two sisters are still upset, I don't know about my brother, my mom is pretty bad off, but I feel like I could care less.
I don't miss him.
I'm glad he's dead. He caused so much grief to all of us.
One sister and my brother used drugs and alcohol to get away from their feelings about him.
The other sister moved far away and maintained a decent relationship with him over the phone.
I was left behind when he was at his worst and he really treated my mom and I like crap.
Now I talk to my sister and she goes on about how she saw someone who looked like dear old dad and she gets upset. I don't know how to respond!
I don't want to rehash bad times.
If they have good memories, or have blocked memories, I don't want to say anything.
I just need someone to tell me I'm not totally a freak.
My mother is having a hard time and THAT is what's hard for me.
Even if he was a complete B**tard I suppose it would be hard to be alone after 40 years.
BTW, I started posting on another board about my depression, and just came here by chance (curiosity).
But maybe it's something I needed to do--put it out there, that I'm glad he's gone.
Posted by DeeJay on December 10, 2003, at 14:19:02
In reply to I'm not sorry he's dead, posted by Notalis on December 10, 2003, at 13:20:55
I'm so sorry you feel this way. I can't tell you not to because I don't know all the details of your situation, and unless I lived it, who am I to say anything? Just be as nice as you can to your sisters, especially when they are hurting. I lost my mom 7 years ago, I was only 17, but I shrugged off the grieving and never let anyone in to help me. Now I'm paying for it. None the less, take care...;)and you are not a freak for "feeling" these things.
Deej
Posted by Notalis on December 10, 2003, at 14:42:34
In reply to Re: I'm not sorry he's dead, posted by DeeJay on December 10, 2003, at 14:19:02
> I'm so sorry you feel this way. I can't tell you not to because I don't know all the details of your situation, and unless I lived it, who am I to say anything? Just be as nice as you can to your sisters, especially when they are hurting. I lost my mom 7 years ago, I was only 17, but I shrugged off the grieving and never let anyone in to help me. Now I'm paying for it. None the less, take care...;)and you are not a freak for "feeling" these things.
>
> DeejThanks for this...it's nice of you to respond
Posted by DeeJay on December 10, 2003, at 15:29:02
In reply to Re: I'm not sorry he's dead » DeeJay, posted by Notalis on December 10, 2003, at 14:42:34
Anytime. I'm an emotional "pro" at this parental death thing...(or so I like to think). My mom died of cancer and I now work at a cancer institute....so there's a method to my madness.
I hope you feel better soon and your anger begins to subside.
;)
Deej
Posted by shar on December 10, 2003, at 19:50:45
In reply to I'm not sorry he's dead, posted by Notalis on December 10, 2003, at 13:20:55
What I've learned about grief is that it is a highly personal process. Yes, generally, there are phases that people go through, but they are very variable, and definitely not the same for every person involved. It sounds like this may be especially true in your case.
It could be that SOME day you will miss him or remember him differently.....or not! Your experience is yours alone. If your other family members want to wax poetic about a person you never knew, there is always a friend in silence.
You are not alone in not missing somebody who has hurt you badly. At the same time, keep in mind that anything that's keeping you at un-peace, hurts only you. So, if you can find a way to deal with this (perhaps with a therapist or bereavement group) it will help YOU to feel more at peace, and find a new normalcy in life that does not include being so upset about it all.
Best of luck, grief (loss/change) is always hard, even if you don't feel sad.
Shar
Posted by Snowie on December 10, 2003, at 23:37:03
In reply to I'm not sorry he's dead, posted by Notalis on December 10, 2003, at 13:20:55
Notalis,
I understand your feelings. My father isn't dead just yet, but it could happen at any time - his heart won't last much longer. My mother, his ex-wife, whom he divorced many moons ago with 5 young children to marry a young socialite, openly says that she looks forward to the day since her social security check will almost double. None of us "kids" from his first marriage are really close to him, and if any of us grieves, I'm sure it will not be for what was, but for what should have been but wasn't and finally never will be.
Best wishes.
Snowie
> My father died last January.
> My two sisters are still upset, I don't know about my brother, my mom is pretty bad off, but I feel like I could care less.
> I don't miss him.
> I'm glad he's dead. He caused so much grief to all of us.
> One sister and my brother used drugs and alcohol to get away from their feelings about him.
> The other sister moved far away and maintained a decent relationship with him over the phone.
> I was left behind when he was at his worst and he really treated my mom and I like crap.
> Now I talk to my sister and she goes on about how she saw someone who looked like dear old dad and she gets upset. I don't know how to respond!
> I don't want to rehash bad times.
> If they have good memories, or have blocked memories, I don't want to say anything.
> I just need someone to tell me I'm not totally a freak.
> My mother is having a hard time and THAT is what's hard for me.
> Even if he was a complete B**tard I suppose it would be hard to be alone after 40 years.
> BTW, I started posting on another board about my depression, and just came here by chance (curiosity).
> But maybe it's something I needed to do--put it out there, that I'm glad he's gone.
Posted by Lllucy on December 12, 2003, at 17:47:54
In reply to Re: I'm not sorry he's dead » Notalis, posted by Snowie on December 10, 2003, at 23:37:03
You are NOT a freak! Grief is an extremely individual experience, and what you feel (or don't feel) is every bit as valid as whatever your other family members are feeling. Be gentle with yourself.
Posted by Notalis on December 13, 2003, at 3:45:50
In reply to Re: I'm not sorry he's dead, posted by Lllucy on December 12, 2003, at 17:47:54
Thanks everyone.
You know, I think I feel bad because I DON'T feel bad.
When I heard he died, I was here in Italy and my sister called from Texas.
I cried for about 2 minutes from the shock, then started arranging my plane tickets to leave the next morning with the kids.
The whole week I was there was entirely surreal.
I just remember at the wake my mother was totally in her element without the pressures of my father telling her how to do everything.
Someone said "there are no toothpicks for the fruit salad" and she said "so what, use your fingers"
That would have never happened, ever. She would have been fretting around keeping Bob calm and happy. (My mother has always been the 'proper' doctor's wife, never a cross word)
At that moment I realised how much better off everyone was without him around.
It was the first time in my memory around my family that there was absolutely no tension.
I now can look forward to returning home for holiday next summer.
After I moved to Italy I didn't go back for over 3 years because it was too difficult around him, and it wasn't good for my daughter to be in that kind of situation.
I know my father suffered internally because of ghosts we'll never know about, he had severe depression, but he (the big doctor) self-medicated with martinis (very dry) in the evenings and bloody marys from breakfast.
What happened was a violent, angry man, who walked around with a black cloud over his psyche. If you stayed around him too long, you were pulled into that cloud.
I think it's probably best he's dead, because at least he's not suffering.
I don't believe he's in heaven or hell, 'cause to me all that's a bit of a load.
He's just 'over', like a bad movie.
Whew, I got on-line to look for a recipe and now look what happened!
Posted by DeeJay on December 15, 2003, at 8:57:04
In reply to Re: I'm not sorry he's dead » Lllucy, posted by Notalis on December 13, 2003, at 3:45:50
N---
It's good that your venting like this. I'm proud of you!..;)..I think you're realizing alot and it's becoming easier for you to get all the junk out of your head with just the tip of your fingers. I applaud you.
Cheers,
Deej
Posted by Notalis on December 15, 2003, at 9:45:16
In reply to Re: I'm not sorry he's dead, posted by DeeJay on December 15, 2003, at 8:57:04
thanks deej,
encouragement is always good for the soul
Posted by Karen_kay on December 16, 2003, at 18:24:11
In reply to Re: I'm not sorry he's dead » DeeJay, posted by Notalis on December 15, 2003, at 9:45:16
And, so we meet again. And with a similar experience... Hmm??! Spooky! (This might be long but stick with me here, I think it has a point :) When I wasa growing up, I was "Daddy's Little Girl" in every sense of the word. I couldn't stand my mother. When I started therapy, I didn't have a single positive experience from my childhood except that of my father. "He was the greatest. The only good thing about my childhhod. He protected me from my mother." And then I started to remember things about my childhood. Occassions of him watching me shower. And making me touch him. And I've had flashbacks of him having sex with me. And now I'm having nightmares about him. And at first I thought (and still kind of do) "This isn't true, my daddy wouldn't do that." (BTW, I guess I should tell you he died 5 years ago of cancer. I was trying to move him at the time and he died right in front of me. Good God, soemtimes life sucks, doesn't it?) Well, I still try to deny that anything happened, even though I know it did. It also happened to my older sister, but with her it wasn't as severe. So, at first I denied everything. Then, I started thinking, "I'm glad he's dead." But, last week I had a dream. I had a dream that he raped me and then he cried. And I realized that maybe it is better to forgive him. Not for his sake but for my own. And even though I haven't figured everything out yet. And I dread the day I do. I really don't want to know the full details of what happened. But, I know it is for my own benefit to forgive him for what happened. I'm not glad my dad is dead. I think I'm glad that I don't have to confront him now. That I don't have to look him in the eyes. I'm afraid that he would know that I know what he did.
But, I think it is best for you to deal with your feelings and work through them. It isn't healthy to have strong feelings of resentment. But, his death is fairly recent. I think as time goes by, your view may change a bit. But, it doesn't have to either. Those are your feelings and you are entitled to them. I don't think you are "Glad he's dead" I just think you are glad he isn't there to hurt your family anymore. And I think there isn't anything wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that at all...
I like your movie reference a lot... That is a good way to look at it... But, when is Jude Law going to do his cameo in my movie for the love scene??? >)
Posted by LostGirl on December 17, 2003, at 8:37:59
In reply to I'm not sorry he's dead, posted by Notalis on December 10, 2003, at 13:20:55
I think we can only mourn the loss of what we had. If we didn't have much, there's not much to mourn when they're gone. We're not mourning a body, but the relationship with the person who was in that body.
If you see my post above, I'm kind of in the same boat as you. I miss what I never had more than missing the bodies of the people who didn't provide it.
Posted by Notalis on December 17, 2003, at 8:44:17
In reply to Re: I'm not sorry he's dead, posted by LostGirl on December 17, 2003, at 8:37:59
You're right. I just wish he had been there for us. By the time I became an adult, it was way too late. At least my sisters have some good memories of him.
But you know, I don't really think about it. There's so much going on now, I can't think too much about the past. I just gotta get through today.
This is the end of the thread.
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