Posted by Notalis on December 13, 2003, at 3:45:50
In reply to Re: I'm not sorry he's dead, posted by Lllucy on December 12, 2003, at 17:47:54
Thanks everyone.
You know, I think I feel bad because I DON'T feel bad.
When I heard he died, I was here in Italy and my sister called from Texas.
I cried for about 2 minutes from the shock, then started arranging my plane tickets to leave the next morning with the kids.
The whole week I was there was entirely surreal.
I just remember at the wake my mother was totally in her element without the pressures of my father telling her how to do everything.
Someone said "there are no toothpicks for the fruit salad" and she said "so what, use your fingers"
That would have never happened, ever. She would have been fretting around keeping Bob calm and happy. (My mother has always been the 'proper' doctor's wife, never a cross word)
At that moment I realised how much better off everyone was without him around.
It was the first time in my memory around my family that there was absolutely no tension.
I now can look forward to returning home for holiday next summer.
After I moved to Italy I didn't go back for over 3 years because it was too difficult around him, and it wasn't good for my daughter to be in that kind of situation.
I know my father suffered internally because of ghosts we'll never know about, he had severe depression, but he (the big doctor) self-medicated with martinis (very dry) in the evenings and bloody marys from breakfast.
What happened was a violent, angry man, who walked around with a black cloud over his psyche. If you stayed around him too long, you were pulled into that cloud.
I think it's probably best he's dead, because at least he's not suffering.
I don't believe he's in heaven or hell, 'cause to me all that's a bit of a load.
He's just 'over', like a bad movie.
Whew, I got on-line to look for a recipe and now look what happened!
poster:Notalis
thread:288419
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/289311.html