Posted by Karen_kay on December 16, 2003, at 18:24:11
In reply to Re: I'm not sorry he's dead » DeeJay, posted by Notalis on December 15, 2003, at 9:45:16
And, so we meet again. And with a similar experience... Hmm??! Spooky! (This might be long but stick with me here, I think it has a point :) When I wasa growing up, I was "Daddy's Little Girl" in every sense of the word. I couldn't stand my mother. When I started therapy, I didn't have a single positive experience from my childhood except that of my father. "He was the greatest. The only good thing about my childhhod. He protected me from my mother." And then I started to remember things about my childhood. Occassions of him watching me shower. And making me touch him. And I've had flashbacks of him having sex with me. And now I'm having nightmares about him. And at first I thought (and still kind of do) "This isn't true, my daddy wouldn't do that." (BTW, I guess I should tell you he died 5 years ago of cancer. I was trying to move him at the time and he died right in front of me. Good God, soemtimes life sucks, doesn't it?) Well, I still try to deny that anything happened, even though I know it did. It also happened to my older sister, but with her it wasn't as severe. So, at first I denied everything. Then, I started thinking, "I'm glad he's dead." But, last week I had a dream. I had a dream that he raped me and then he cried. And I realized that maybe it is better to forgive him. Not for his sake but for my own. And even though I haven't figured everything out yet. And I dread the day I do. I really don't want to know the full details of what happened. But, I know it is for my own benefit to forgive him for what happened. I'm not glad my dad is dead. I think I'm glad that I don't have to confront him now. That I don't have to look him in the eyes. I'm afraid that he would know that I know what he did.
But, I think it is best for you to deal with your feelings and work through them. It isn't healthy to have strong feelings of resentment. But, his death is fairly recent. I think as time goes by, your view may change a bit. But, it doesn't have to either. Those are your feelings and you are entitled to them. I don't think you are "Glad he's dead" I just think you are glad he isn't there to hurt your family anymore. And I think there isn't anything wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that at all...
I like your movie reference a lot... That is a good way to look at it... But, when is Jude Law going to do his cameo in my movie for the love scene??? >)
poster:Karen_kay
thread:288419
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/290709.html