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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on June 16, 2006, at 1:42:43
I'm taking a psych class this summer, and next week we'll be talking about eating disorders. The instructor knows I'm involved with an organization related to EDs, but I have never let on that I had one, and my weight is certainly not low right now. (Although I suspect he may have a clue, based on some of my work in another class.)
Part of me wants to keep my mouth closed, hide, be scared. But another part wants to be OK with disclosing my own disorder. Say something like, "Yes, Anorexia Nervosa is possibly the most stigmatized mental illness, because people think we can Just Eat and be over it, so they blame us for being sick." It's part of who I am, after all, and accepting it should be part of accepting myself.
What's really ironic, is that I'm PROUD of myself when I manage to avoid eating something, or when I can eat half what I am supposed to, without getting "caught." Why is it that I can be proud of my ability to starve myself, and STILL be so ashamed to have it known about me?
Short answer: it's because I'm crazy...
Posted by Poet on June 16, 2006, at 16:52:26
In reply to Disclosure?, posted by Racer on June 16, 2006, at 1:42:43
Hi Racer,
Dripping with sarcasm she said what you can't just do the eat a sandwich cure? Golly, the don't eat a gallon of ice cream and puke it up cure works for bulimia. Huh, must be a cultural difference.
Sarcasm over, well, I'll try to refrain from it.
I think the shame of having the people in your class know about your ED is that you don't know how they will react. Will they stare at you, causing you to imagine they're saying you're too fat to be an anorexic. Will they kind of back away from you?
On the positive side (God, it's so hard to be positive about anything)they could learn a lot about anorexia that they won't get in a textbook. You'd be providing education that, frankly, most of them could use as we both know EDs are misunderstood.
I think that if you are comfortable sharing what I will call your *secret* with the class, then do it. It could be a real self confidence booster- that's not sarcasm, I'm serious. It is, as you said, part of who you are and you shouldn't have to be ashamed of who you are.
Poet
Posted by Racer on June 18, 2006, at 10:09:33
In reply to Re: Disclosure? » Racer, posted by Poet on June 16, 2006, at 16:52:26
Although, to be fair, you also made me laugh, too. Maybe it's my Serious Mental Illness, but a Sarcastic Poet is right up there on my list of favorite things.
>
> I think that if you are comfortable sharing what I will call your *secret* with the class, then do it. It could be a real self confidence booster- that's not sarcasm, I'm serious. It is, as you said, part of who you are and you shouldn't have to be ashamed of who you are.
>
> PoetThat's the part that nearly made me cry. Yes, it is part of who I am. And I am ashamed of who I am. It's amazing how I can even turn GOOD things into something to be ashamed of. (I wrote to my mother telling her I'm on the Dean's List, something I don't think has ever happened before. And told her, "I know it doesn't mean anything, but I'm a bit pleased." And was ashamed that I was showing her at all.)
My bottom line for it is that I will try NOT to disclose, but if I do, I will try to be OK about it.
And whatever happens, I'm glad to know I can tell them about the "don't eat a gallon of ice cream and puke it up cure" for bulimia. I'm sure they'll appreciate the information that there *is* a cure...
xoxo
Posted by Poet on June 18, 2006, at 12:39:38
In reply to You nearly made me cry » Poet, posted by Racer on June 18, 2006, at 10:09:33
Only nearly made you cry? Then I haven't done my job right. Sarcasm intended.
I went to a backyard-cookout-barbecue type party yesterday and got the old *you're the only one of us who hasn't gained weight over the years* line. Yes, I'm ashamed to tell them why I haven't gained weight. Though I wasn't ashamed to bash my latest job that I interviewed for and didn't get and that becoming a paralegal will be a waste.
If it means anything, I'm proud you're on the dean's list. I never made the dean's list at any college I went to. Though I got turned down to work in the dean's office, does that count? As my T said last week, she's going to get me boxing gloves so I can physically beat myself as a change from mentally beating myself up. Sarcastic Poet has a sarcastic therapist.
Poet
Posted by Racer on June 19, 2006, at 10:11:45
In reply to Re: You nearly made me cry » Racer, posted by Poet on June 18, 2006, at 12:39:38
> As my T said last week, she's going to get me boxing gloves so I can physically beat myself as a change from mentally beating myself up.
>
> PoetI think that's a great idea, since it would do a lot less damage to my friend.
(That's a serious response, Poet. If there was anything that would help stop you from the negativity about yourself, I'd love to see it happen. You've got much more going for you than you ever admit, and I'd love to see you acknowledge it.)
(For all my own negativity, I still have a big part of me saying that I've got all sorts of Good Things going, but something stops them being expressed. "I am very smart, but I didn't have the protection I needed to learn in school." "I've got some great skills, but with my work history, I can't get hired for a job that would allow me to use them." "I have what it takes to be a good friend, but circumstances make it difficult for me to come into contact with people who'd appreciate me." That sort of thing. Maybe it's all just excuses, and maybe I'm just refusing to take responsibility for the fact that I truly am the world's worst failure in all things, but even if it is denial -- it's still much kinder to myself than you are to yourself. And I happen to like yourself. I'd like to see you admit what I think you already know: you're pretty terrific.)
Come, join me. Resistance is futile. You *will* be assimilated.
But stay sarcastic. You're very funny, and I do appreciate sarcastic humor.
Did you read the made up word contest that included "Sarchasm?" It's the distance between the sarcasm and the hearer's ability to understand it...
Posted by Poet on June 20, 2006, at 16:09:28
In reply to That's a good idea » Poet, posted by Racer on June 19, 2006, at 10:11:45
Hi Racer,
My T better have those boxing gloves on Thursday because I'm currently beating the mental stuffing out of myself. Which, frankly, is easier than getting rid of the aftermath of what I've stuffed into my face. Today, I feel fat, so I'm wearing clothes that are too big so I look smaller.
Poet
Posted by Racer on June 20, 2006, at 17:38:48
In reply to Re: That's a good idea » Racer, posted by Poet on June 20, 2006, at 16:09:28
"Fat" is not a feeling...
OK, now that that's out of the way, I feel fat today, too. Wearing bigger clothes, though, makes me feel fatter. Wearing clothes too small, though, also makes me feel fatter. So, I try to wear clothes that pretty much fit...
I'm sorry you're feeling so icky. I am too, very weepy, and have cried over nearly eveyrthing lately. Life [imitates a Hoover].
Let me know if you don't get those gloves. Maybe I can email you some...
Posted by ElaineM on June 25, 2006, at 14:21:01
In reply to Disclosure?, posted by Racer on June 16, 2006, at 1:42:43
Wow, Racer, can I relate. I've never looked at this board before cause it's too hard, but I did today for some reason. I took a class on Mental Illness in school and I ended up writing about my ED. The prof actually asked to keep it. (I guess you write best about what you know) I too felt like I had so much that I wanted to say about the stigma with ED's. Before I got sick and went through the system - trying to find treatment, trying to be heard and not automatically discounted, trying to find someone who could appreciate I still had intelligence and take me seriously when my disagnosis was written all over my body and unhidden - I thought that all I'd read of stigmatization was an exaggeration. I couldn't believe it could happen like in the text books. So once in this class, I felt like I needed to have how I felt be known, and maybe turn it into something useful (even if that was only getting a good grade). Disclosure is a very personal choice though.
When I think of it now, (now that I don't look anorexic anymore) I wonder if I only had the courage because I knew like I still "looked the part". These days all I have is shame over the fact that I'm not sickly small anymore. But that means I'm closer to better right? That's what people say at least. But I know what you mean by still being proud when you are able to starve. (I often miss that old me so much I can hardly breathe from the lump in my throat). For me the shame part comes in because of the disparity between my inside and outside. There's shame for wishing that I could re-adopt all my old "sick" ways - cause I'm supposed to know better by know. And there's shame for thinking that this "better" me is now buried under this heavier, healthier me. (I still feel anorexic inside and I wouldn't want anyone to laugh at the fact that my outside doesn't match. Like, "Sure you were anorexic. I believe you" - you know?)
I'd like to know if you do mention it, and what you think after. Are you ashamed of that part of you in all contexts, or only in a school environment?
(If you find out the secret to accepting all of yourself, please let me know);) Elaine
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