Posted by ElaineM on June 25, 2006, at 14:21:01
In reply to Disclosure?, posted by Racer on June 16, 2006, at 1:42:43
Wow, Racer, can I relate. I've never looked at this board before cause it's too hard, but I did today for some reason. I took a class on Mental Illness in school and I ended up writing about my ED. The prof actually asked to keep it. (I guess you write best about what you know) I too felt like I had so much that I wanted to say about the stigma with ED's. Before I got sick and went through the system - trying to find treatment, trying to be heard and not automatically discounted, trying to find someone who could appreciate I still had intelligence and take me seriously when my disagnosis was written all over my body and unhidden - I thought that all I'd read of stigmatization was an exaggeration. I couldn't believe it could happen like in the text books. So once in this class, I felt like I needed to have how I felt be known, and maybe turn it into something useful (even if that was only getting a good grade). Disclosure is a very personal choice though.
When I think of it now, (now that I don't look anorexic anymore) I wonder if I only had the courage because I knew like I still "looked the part". These days all I have is shame over the fact that I'm not sickly small anymore. But that means I'm closer to better right? That's what people say at least. But I know what you mean by still being proud when you are able to starve. (I often miss that old me so much I can hardly breathe from the lump in my throat). For me the shame part comes in because of the disparity between my inside and outside. There's shame for wishing that I could re-adopt all my old "sick" ways - cause I'm supposed to know better by know. And there's shame for thinking that this "better" me is now buried under this heavier, healthier me. (I still feel anorexic inside and I wouldn't want anyone to laugh at the fact that my outside doesn't match. Like, "Sure you were anorexic. I believe you" - you know?)
I'd like to know if you do mention it, and what you think after. Are you ashamed of that part of you in all contexts, or only in a school environment?
(If you find out the secret to accepting all of yourself, please let me know);) Elaine
poster:ElaineM
thread:657498
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20051009/msgs/661318.html