Posted by Deneb on April 25, 2007, at 16:48:14
In reply to Re: I'm sooo upset right now » Deneb, posted by Racer on April 25, 2007, at 14:31:47
I can't get into specifics, but here is what happened:
I got worried about person X. Friend Y learns something about person X and tells me to easy my worry. I then tell the world about part of what I've learned about person X. I thought it was OK to tell the world this. I was worried the world was also worried about X. Friend Y gets upset that I told and now friend Y says he/she will never tell me stuff he/she wouldn't want the world to know. I get super upset because I think Y is no longer my friend.
I talked to Y and Y is still my friend, only Y will never tell me secrets again. I'm upset I hurt Y and I'm upset Y doesn't trust me anymore. I'm angry at Y too. I sort of told Y something along the lines of, "Fine, if you won't tell me stuff, I won't tell you stuff either! So there!" Rationally I know I must have poor judgement when it comes to disclosing stuff so I shouldn't be so upset that Y is no longer going to tell me secrets, but emotionally I'm like a little kid and just hate this. Person Y is very understanding, but I still feel like I don't want to be friends with Y for a while b/c I'm angry Y won't tell me secrets anymore. But...it's all my own fault.
> Hey, Kiddo, I hope you're feeling better now. It's sucky, isn't it? Feeling so bad?
Yeah, it really sucks. Thanks for listening and responding Racer. You always give really good advice.
> > I'm having a breakdown! Aaahhhhh!
>
> No, Honey -- you're not having a breakdown, you're just experiencing a ton of strong emotions, and that feels pretty horrible if you don't know what to do with them. That's what you're working on, though, isn't it? Learning ways to cope with strong emotions?
>
> Posting about it here is one way, and I think it's been helpful to you, hasn't it?I think I need to find ways other than venting to cope with strong emotions. Venting might hurt more people. I need to learn to tolerate negative emotions on my own eventually.
>
> > I'm angry at this person.
>
> OK, you've identified one part of the emotion -- anger.
>
> >
> > Someone hurt me. I'm hurt. I'm hurt.
>
> And this is probably the bigger part of the emotion -- you feel hurt by this interaction.
>
> Deneb, I don't know if it is helpful or not for you, but I find it helpful to try to work out how much is hurt, and how much is anger, and what is it about the interaction that I felt hurt by? Is it something that I'm afraid might be true? Or is it something I know is false, so I feel unheard or unseen? Do I feel hurt because I had expectations which weren't met? Sometimes working that out helps me a lot, at least in figuring out what to do in future to avoid feeling so wretched.I'm afraid I might be untrustworthy because of poor judgement and I'm hurt that Y doesn't trust me anymore.
>
> > I hate this. I'm crying. I'm crazy. I'm immature. I can't stop crying.
>
> OK... I know you hate this, and crying can be scary. But you know what? You're not crazy. You're just hurting and don't know how to soothe yourself. Yet. You're learning, and I have faith in you.Thanks Racer. I had a chat with Y and Y understands. We're still friends. I'm sorry I hurt Y. I'm trying to see things from Y's point of view.
>
> Here's a story: I was out with my mother, at an event where she was very nervous, and was around a lot of people who've intimidated her for decades. After, I said, "Well, if it's any consolation, you look at least ten years younger than any of the other women there." She snapped back at me, "Well, there are benefits to immaturity!" Think of that next time you criticise yourself for being "immature," 'K? See if that helps.LOL, I'll try that. Thanks Racer.
> Define your terms, Kiddo. What do you mean by "real friends?" Do you mean someone to have lunch with and go shopping with? Nope, I'm not your real friend, then. You know why? I live 3000 miles or more away from you! Makes those lunch dates kinda hard, you know? If you mean someone who cares what happens to you, then yes -- you have plenty of real friends here.
Yeah, you're right. Thanks for being my friend.
>
> I think you forget that when you get upset, and you extrapolate from ONE person to EVERYONE. "So'N'So doesn't like me -- NO ONE likes me!" At the moment it happens, that may be how it feels, but it's not true. Can you put up a Post It note on your computer, saying, "Racer Cares What Happens To Me?" It's true, and maybe it would help you remember when you're upset that it's not everyone.I do that a lot. When I think one person doesn't like me, I think the whole world doesn't like me anymore. In this case I thought I lost a Y as a friend, but I didn't. Y just doesn't trust me anymore, but it's all my own fault.
Thanks for caring Racer.
> Deneb, trust is a very loaded thing on these boards. By now you know that, right? What do you mean by trust? That no one will give you their address? I won't, certainly, because I don't give ANYONE here my address. Mostly, I don't even give out my email address, and often I won't tell others with whom I do email what my name is! That doesn't diminish the regard I feel for them, or the affection -- it only means that I hold back information that might leave me vulnerable. I'm sure a lot of people are like that, too. That's not about you -- it's about personal safety on the internet.
I just get upset sometimes because I think everyone is babblemailing everyone all the time and know tons about each other. Maybe I'm wrong, I dunno.
> But I hate that you're upset, too. I hope you feel better soon, if you don't already.
Thanks Racer. I do feel better now.
Deneb
poster:Deneb
thread:753202
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070421/msgs/753335.html