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NERVOUS BREAKDOWN - THE REAL THING

Posted by corafree on May 8, 2006, at 5:57:11

It was, in my opinion, a true ‘nervous breakdown', which I experienced in 3/05.

I say that because it was all about 'my nervous system deteriorating', not 'mental deterioration'. My thoughts and feelings were very clear.

I’d been taken off Klonopin w/o titration a few wks earlier. I know. But, I'd been accustomed to Xanax and was unaware of the potency of Klonopin, at that time; or would not have agreed to the P's order.

My best friend .. my FATHER .. had passed away a year earlier and I had just rec’d an email from my mother (out of state) saying she was selling 'HOME'.

I packed a bag and came out to one of my mother’s empty homes in the state I live in. I felt a little comfort just at a change of surroundings and also at being a few miles from my 'supportive daughter's' home. Realizing no one could hear me, something inside me, a pain I guess I'd been trying to control due to the paper-thin walls at my condo, surfaced fiercely. It was grief over losing Dad and now home. I cried like a ‘howling cub’ (It was such an ugly, deep, awful sounding cry that I couldn't believe it was coming out of me.) uncontrollably, nonstop, for nearly three hours. When it began to let up, I was in 'a zombie state'. I called my daughter who lived nearby and said, “I need a bed and a plate of food.” Kindly, she said, “I can do that.” I dressed, went outside and sat on a rock, waiting for her to come and gather me up.

I stayed w/ her for 3-4 days. I was shaky, weak, exhausted but not able to sleep well, and hyperventilating pretty much 24/3-4. I wasn't hungry, but would eat what she put on a plate. My physical strength had begun to fade away as soon as she’d picked me up. It was fading further and the hyperventilating was increasing. It felt as if I was aging 10-15yrs each day. I would move about the house by ‘balancing myself w/ a hand on the wall, chairs, tables, whatever I could for support'. It felt like I imagine a 110-y/o person might feel. I was scared I would fall due to weakness. The hyperventilating was only relieved by what little sleep I could get. When I'd awaken, I'd have maybe five minutes of easy breathing, then it would start up again.

I felt my physical self just wasting away more each day. The shaking was worsening. I was fiercely cold and wrapped up in blankets (in rather warm weather), still hyperventilating, still loss of motor skills. By the 4th day, I realized I was only getting worse, and knew I needed professional help asap. I asked my daughter to drive me to my P and he arranged for a bed at a local hospital.

There I presented with still constant hyperventilation, whole body tremors, severe weakness, inability to walk w/o support, no appetite, a totally flat affect. I had postural hypo(?)tension and sometimes had to sit w/ my head down below my knees to keep from passing out. If the hyperventilating was really strong, I felt 'a pressure on the top of my head', a feeling like the top of my head was going 'to blow off'.

I asked my two assigned psychiatrists, “What is a nervous breakdown?”, and they turned to each other and sort of chuckled, before explaining that there really wasn't a definition.(?)

I was prescribed Valium and had nearly immediate relief of all symptoms.

It's a year later; still on Valium 10mg 3x day.

Tonight I am feeling 'a bit similar symptoms' as I did a year ago, hyperventilating, inability to relax or sleep. There are some similar circumstances occurring in my life. Some losses.

No one told me what to expect afterwards and I never asked .. duh. I wonder if I am changed somehow; if there was some irreparable damage; if I now have strong precursors to recurrence.

I was so relieved by the Valium ... I didn't bother to ask then. But now I'd like to know.

Now, after going through that, I know the term 'nervous breakdown' is widely misused. I am guilty of misusing it many times myself.

Pls share if anyone has experienced the sort of 'nervous breakdown' I describe above.

If so, did you learn what to expect in the future, or if you had suffered some irreparable damage that should be monitored? Anything anyone can share would be appreciated.

Does someone think there are other kinds of nervous breakdowns?

I think the keyword here isn't so much breakdown, as it is 'nervous'.

I've built a tolerance to the Valium dosage and tonight I'm having hyperventilating, difficulty breathing; it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I've spoken w/ the crisis line and may call them again. I'm scared, anxious, shallow breathing, rapid heart rate.

morning,cf


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poster:corafree thread:641225
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060503/msgs/641225.html