Posted by sunny10 on April 13, 2005, at 13:09:06
In reply to Re: ((((((((((Susan47)))))))))), posted by Susan47 on April 13, 2005, at 12:18:13
truth is, I told you that I wasn't returning his calls because he sounded so cold and businesslike.
I finally got the courage to reply to an email his mom sent me this morning explaining WHY I wasn't returning those calls. That it hurt me so much that he could just leave those messages like it had only ever been a business partnership- with no emotion whatsoever. Listening to them made me cry- I couldn't imagine hearing him like that while speaking to him. And the fact that he didn't apologize at all or admit that there was a problem with alcohol (and anger, but I can only expect so much)- or SOMETHING, anything. I told her that she could print it and give it to him if he wanted to know what I was thinking and how I was feeling.
He called me about an hour later. She had given him the email. He told me that he was crying all the time, too- especially in the house; he left it last night for good and is living at his mom's because he was too sad there. He apologized for not telling me he loves me, for hurting me and scaring me, even for leaving messages that sounded so cold. He said he hadn't known what to think or how to act, either. He agreed with the lease termination because living together is not a good idea at the moment for either of us. He admitted that he realizes that alcohol was a huge part of the problem and that even though we were pushing each others' buttons, he should never have made it a physical attack. He said that I could never know how ashamed he was that it had happened. He said he is not drinking at all. (I have seen for myself that he is perfectly capable of having a few- it's when he gives himslf permission to "make it a drinking night" that he gets out of control. I don't really expect him to give up having a couple of drinks every now and then; but I wasn't silly enough to tell him that!)
And he said that he wanted to give couples counselling and/or individual counselling a try because he didn't want to lose what is good about "us". That he had never been so upset about a relationship ending and that he really thought that we had a chance to make it work out in the long run.I can't say that he is "rushing things" like you ask. He could have been speaking "off the cuff"- having read my email, but I have to wonder if he has been thinking all of that since Saturday morning. I know that I was thinking that since it happened- which, of course, is why I was so devastated that he wasn't saying anything personal at all...and that was feeding my fear.
I know that the general adrenaline "fear flight" shakiness and feeling that he would shoot me is dissipating now that I have heard his tone of voice and heard the words. The previous coldness in his voice is what had terrified me in the first place. The "sorry" words wouldn't have been enough, but I could hear the tears in his voice, too, and it no longer feels like he wants to kill me. And I no longer feel as stupid. Even if whatever happens next doesn't end up with us together- at least now I know that I didn't fall in love with someone who didn't love me back. Sometimes love isn't enough for the long haul- but at least I can comfort myself in the knowledge that I was loving blindly again.
What's your opinion?
poster:sunny10
thread:483302
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050408/msgs/483765.html