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part of me knows better

Posted by octopusprime on September 10, 2004, at 0:23:33

In reply to yet another diary post, posted by octopusprime on September 10, 2004, at 0:10:07

part of me knows better:

part of me knows that i am a smart lady.
that i shouldn't be spraying my personal life all over the internet like a monkey flinging pooh at the wall.
that i shouldn't be chasing married coworkers or otherwise involved 45 year olds.
that if i'm bored at my job i should think up a new career.

but for once i'm interested in people again, i don't want to give that up. i was alone for what felt like forever but was really a few months, that the new people are making me feel accepted and part of a group, that i'm crazy to leave them even if they make me crazy. i'm crazy in a happy and weird way. but at least i laugh every day, is that so bad?

part of me is smart enough to know that if i feel out of control, i probably am out of control.

but it's all tied up together - i can't leave my job and my hobby and my whole social network all at once, even if it makes me nuts. but i chose all these things. i didn't realize everything they implied at the time that i chose them. i guess i chose them because i'm crazy, because they do something for me.

but then sometimes the smart part of me things that everybody is either crazy or boring. and i hate being bored.

but then part of me thinks i should just go home ... pack up to mom and dad and leave and go on a long vacation and absolve myself of all responsibility.

but then part of me knows i hate living with mom and dad. i don't want to move back home because the town is awful, boring, crowded, polluted, ugly, cold, hot. and i return to old friends that are wonderful for 5 days but i want to leave again after that for the same reasons i left in the first place.

part of me knows that if i drop everything i have now, i'll go even more nuts.

part of me knows i'm both overanalyzing and underanalyzing.

part of me wonders if i'll ever find a solution.

part of me knows i'll always be a contradiction.

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URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040907/msgs/389037.html