Posted by octopusprime on September 9, 2004, at 23:29:36
*long*
i'm going to get up on the confessional here ... i started talking about this in open but i sorta only got halfway through. if you're feeling impatient, or don't want to talk sex, scroll on past ...
i've been in a car crash once when i lost control of my car on a patch of black ice. i feel like i did when my car was twisting and twisting and spinning and spinning ... i'm turning the wheel, i'm tapping the brake, but i can't bust out of this skid and i'm scared to look because i'm going to crash but this moment of spinning is lasting forever.
that's how i feel.
i'm so confused, i can't get on my feet.
i'm talking about having sex with a married coworker. we have plans to do it in the office. it was going to be today, but unexpected car troubles postponed it. and i'm still thinking about going through with it. we back and forth, back and forth all day long.
and then i leave the office, and don't think about it.
there's another man i have some chemistry with. he is twenty years older than i am. i am good friends with his girlfriend. but i laugh and laugh with this man - he's rubbing my shoulders, touching my leg, grabbing my hand - he's interested. i'm interested. but i don't want to hurt this woman, my friend ... but i know if you leave me and this man alone together you never know what will happen ... but he's much too old ... and i value the relationship we have ...
and then i leave these people and go to the beach.
i'm reading a book, taking my mind off things. this is the incident that sent me to the doctor six weeks ago. i meet a total stranger on the beach and have sex with him. i feel no guilt. i tell the doctor i want a psychiatric evaluation. i take the drugs he hands out. i can be handled by a regular doctor, says the psych. i'm not crazy enough to get their treatment. take the drugs you took before. here's a 3 month supply. i need a new doctor.
but i take his drugs and fly across the country for my grandfathers funeral. somebody tries to steal my car. i get my car repaired, come home. i say to myself that it's stress. i say to myself it'll take time to get the drugs to work. just chill out and wait.
well it's 4 weeks since i started my latest medication regime. i'm torn up between two men i shouldn't have but i want and just might take anyway. i like them because i can play mind games with them. i like mind games. i like to make men feel weak, i want them to feel the power of my sexuality, i want to make them feel like they are at my mercy. but the only way i retain this control is to keep playing games. and i play the games at my peril.
but hey i sleep nights now so the meds are working right?
i just don't know what to do any more. i'm drinking more than i should. i hope i don't destroy myself. why do i feel so restless?
poster:octopusprime
thread:389015
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040907/msgs/389015.html