Posted by fallsfall on March 7, 2004, at 10:56:10
In reply to Re: frustrated trying to help strangers (strategies?) » cybercafe, posted by Dinah on March 7, 2004, at 9:40:35
Dinah, you said it so beautifully.
Cybercafe,
I can relate so clearly with your desire to educate and help people move on a path that will help them. And I relate even more clearly with your frustration when they are not smart enough to listen. I have mellowed a lot in the last 9 years - but I would still say that I am on the bossy side. I've found that the bossy side doesn't work really well in normal life, and that it works much LESS well with people who are depressed/mentally ill.
I go to a support group, and support and advice are very different things. To support someone you have to find enough empathy to understand why being in the position they are in makes them feel the way that they do. It is incredibly hard to say (and believe) "You sound like you feel so hopeless today, like nothing that you could do would matter at all." And then stop talking. I often don't succeed at the stop talking part, but I keep trying.
I've gone to my support group for 1 1/2 years now. And there are some longtime people there, some who come and go, and some who come only a couple of times. I have found that if I have been able to provide empathy and understanding for a longtime person, that when that person is in a crisis and really needs something "forced" on them, they often will listen to me. But it is like they have to already have the sense that I do care, and I do want them to feel better, but that I know that it is really hard (that is a key point).
Then, sometimes (not always), a comment like "Gee, I'm really worried about you tonight. You seem more hopeless than usual (or things seem to be really hard for you right now, or you are going through a lot right now, or sounds like your life really sucks)." Followed by either a personal story like "One time when I was feeling similarly, I did .... and it really helped. I don't know if that would help you, but it did help me." Or an offer of help "If you would like, I would be willing to go sit in the Emergency Room with you tonight and keep you company", or "If you need a ride to therapy next week, let me know". With rare exceptions, you can't "tell" them to do something (though there was one memorable time when a couple of us surrounded one poor girl at the end of the meeting and expressed compassion and concern until she gave in...). It has to be their choice.
The best angle for promoting a doctor that you particularly like (or the idea of going to a doctor in general) for me has been to talk about how you have been helped by specific things that your doctor has done. It also works to comment when someone else (anyone else) is talking about something their doctor or therapist did that was positive to just stick in really small comments like "It is so nice when a doctor can help like that". Basically you are reinforcing the idea that doctors and therapists CAN help.
I'm sure that my group would be thrilled if someone dropped a bunch of pamplets about meds, or copies of something off the internet on the table. They would also probably be receptive (most of them) to arranging to stay for an extra 1/2 hour some time and have someone give a summary of what the different meds (or therapies, or whatever) are. They are less likely to buy a book, or even get a book from the library - they are depressed - make it easy for them. But make it optional.
When I'm really worried about someone, I get bossier which probably doesn't help. But heavyhandedness never works if there isn't a relationship behind it where the distressed person believes that you care about them and also that you might have some knowledge that will help.
poster:fallsfall
thread:321503
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040305/msgs/321569.html