Posted by socialdeviantjeff on February 6, 2004, at 1:24:58
Yesterday was not so good. I've been reading about the potential for liver toxicity with psych drugs. I've been through more drug trials in the last 6 months than I can count with two hands. So far everything has failed miserably and right now I'm not on anything but such a low dose of antipsychotic that it does no good. Anyway I was worried that since the only common denominator I could find after searching and searching was drug-induced hepatic toxicity. I've been feeling like utter physical crap for 6 months and am very concerned. My pdoc can't find an explanation.
Enough backstory. All day I was feeling bad, emotionally and physically. On my way to work, I built up so much anxiety I sped through several school zones. Never did that before. Usually pretty vigilant of those. I got to work and I was shaking sooo badly. I couldn't think. I bailed on the other clerk without a word and sped to the ER. I asked for a battery of blood tests and they obliged. I was asked if I wanted to talk to a crisis worker. I said no. I tried to be coherent, but I kept blabbering and running around in logical dead ends. I also remember telling them I was 25 even though I'm 26. Everytime they asked, I was 25. All the tests came back normal. after spending 3 1/2 hours alone in a small room with only chairs and nothing else they let me go. They didn't want to give me anything to calm me after I told them about my troubled drug trials.
Now I'm spending most of my time in self-condemnation for even going in the first place. I know that the articles I was reading probably precipitated a panic attack. I'm convinced there's something seriously physically wrong with me. But why the hell did I jeapordize my job by just walking out and going there? I can't afford a hospital bill and now I have a nice steep one with no hope of it being covered by Medicaid or anything else. The doctor was an insensetive jerk. Everyone else there seemed to be walking on eggshells around me trying not to set me off, treating me like some kind of invalid. And the thing is, the whole idea of being there was stupid in the first place. I didn't *need* to go, in retrospect. If I had thought things through when I got to work I probably could have funtioned.
I feel like all kinds of hell both physically and emotionally. Everyone around me is sooooo concerned. I've got sympathy coming at me from all angles and I can't stand it! I think I'm on some sort of in cognito suicide watch at home. I don't deserve this kind of consideration, what I did was plain stupid. Now everyone's worried. Ideation and intent are two totally separate things to me and I do not intend to take that way out.
Well, I've taken up enough server space for this post. I just had to vent. This sucks.
poster:socialdeviantjeff
thread:310065
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040131/msgs/310065.html