Posted by octopusprime on September 16, 2003, at 11:08:07
In reply to Re: I feel like I want to die without him. octopus, posted by kara lynne on September 16, 2003, at 1:26:11
i like you a lot too kara lynne. there are other posters here that are heartsick and lonely and hurting (see johnnysad on the grief board) but i only have the strength to support one, that's you, because it seems like you are a mirror of me in so many ways.
kara lynne, now that you mention primal fury and rage i am worried and scared for you. those impulses are so powerful and destructive, and we lose ourselves.
i'm working so hard because last year when i lost my best friend, i got angry. very angry. i got violent and hurt him. a monster came inside me for a little while. and i almost killed myself.
i should have gone to the hospital before i got violent. and if you are eaten by the anger monster and lose yourself, please go to the hospital too.so i can't help with anger, i don't know how. i was a shell of myself after the violent incident for months and months. then i met the man who most recently dumped me, who i associate with being well and me again. but now i realize, it's not him that made him well and me, it's me.
it's ok not to want to be alone. and it's ok to need help. can you stay with your mother or a friend for a week or two? i say to myself, "i don't feel well right now", and i give myself the same liberties as if i had the flu. if you were physically sick, you can stay with somebody and get some care. and if you're heartsick, i think you can do the same things.
be well kara lynne.
and you do not need to apologize and repeating yourself when you're asking for help. you are worth helping.> Hi octopus.
> I like you very much. Something about you is very real; you transmit right through the computer--maybe because you know them so well. (I also liked your analogy.)
>
> You do seem to understand this well. I thought I did, but I was so much older then---I'm younger than that now.
>
> I was ok, then I was a raving lunatic. I called (see below) but he didn't answer. It might have registered that I called. He knows I'm desperate. He's detached. I'm in some kind of primal fury. People kill out of jealousy. Doesn't it come from some Original Attachment? That's how Desperate It Feels. You know, there really isn't enough information out there as to how to get through this kind of thing. There should be more.
>
> I am having the most hell being alone. I'm ok if I'm being babysat (for the most part), but being alone is not good. I am a grown up and there really is no one I know that could just come over to stay the night, so I have to go it alone. And try not to pick up the phone again.
>
> It's like I can't live until he un-rejects me.
>
> I think he was considering someone while waiting to see if things might passively work out for us. It's his M.O. to be with someone all the time, and to have someone waiting wouldn't surprise me a bit. Since my letter, I guess he has carte blanche. Can we sit and think about how many ways he thinks she is better than me?
>
> I really need help.
>
> Please excuse this broken record.
poster:octopusprime
thread:260066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/260615.html