Posted by Temmie on July 22, 2003, at 23:55:48
Help help help. I still can't see straight. I talked with Paul tonight ... and feel like I still love him.
On so many levels ... I know ... you know ... he is harmful for me -- and I can't rectify -- can't understand how he could do what he did.
How can a man go from ... pardon me ... but intimacy with one -- to intimacy with another? His lips ... his hands ... you know -- how does one do that?
How can he tell me over the phone (and in Jane's company), that I'm the one he truly loves (with her sobbing in the background)?
How can he not understand the betrayal? ("That's just the way I am?")
Is this what being a sociopath is?
What makes sexual infidelity taboo?
How can he "go back" with Jane, when supposedly she's the one who attacked him -- more than once, I understand -- and whether I understand it correctly or not, their relationship was certainly a volatile one.
How can he go back with the one who filed assault and battery charges against him, causing all manner of legal/employment/financial snafus?
How can he not understand the nature of commitment, fidelity and truth?
Why do I continue to feel so connected with this one??? You know? On such a deep ... solar level ... nd what can I do to really start unhooking from those snares?
* * * * *
I have a tentative "coffee date" coming up with someone I've met online. I'm scared to death, and worse, I've seen his picture, and he's attractive enough -- but I'm not feeling drawn to him .... I wish ...
... I could find some with my sort of hippie/bohemian roots -- who could understand my flexibility between Birkenstocks and blue jeans and, well -- Birkenstocks and blue jeans. I have a very modest lifestyle these days. I'm not the modicum of success. I don't have "after five" clothes anymore ... and don't know what I truly have to offer, or how to wrap my life, my ideas, or my -- whatever -- around the concepts of things more mainstream -- but -- obviously -- being with Paul, literally (with his driving and at-risk behavior) put my life in danger ...
And loving him has so damaged my sense of integrity and self.
Boo hoo.
Any ideas out there?
M.
poster:Temmie
thread:244403
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030719/msgs/244403.html