Posted by Ponder on July 12, 2003, at 16:44:38
In reply to Thank you, Ladies, posted by KellyD on July 10, 2003, at 7:09:33
KellyD,
I am struggling with some of the same issues you mention. Left work during a particularly bad and extended bout with mixed states. My behavior during that time was so weird that I am humiliated in retrospect and, despite the fact that I really liked some of those people, am not inclined to reconnect with them. (My feelings are a mix of embarrassment, failure, and shame--as if I'd been banished.)I think one of the things that makes it hard to motivate to build a new life from scratch is the unpredictability of the illness. I really don't want to get all involved and engaged in responsibilities, as exciting/fulfilling as that can be, and then have a relapse that causes me to alienate new contacts, let people down by not being able to perform my duties, etc. And this risk is true for volunteer work as well as paying jobs. It's even true in friendships.
I think the lack of motivation to focus and get started on new activities and new people is, in part, a function of the illness, but also the lack of support to do so and the absence of, well, any pressure to do so. While I was working, I was forced to get up in the morning, make myself presentable, and leave the house. These are things that, when entirely optional, tend to get delayed, seem to take forever, or don't happen at all. But I remember that being dressed up WITH a place to go was nice, and teamwork and accomplishments are nice also.
Wish I had something helpful to say rather than just chiming in with my own confusion, but...there it is.
poster:Ponder
thread:240288
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/241251.html