Posted by yesac on July 9, 2003, at 20:36:56
Today was pretty terrible.
I feel so alone. And I feel like no one can help me. I saw my therapist today and I felt worse when I left. I've been seeing her for 2 months and I still am just not sure, but I keep telling myself to keep with her for a while longer... but on the other hand I really don't want to be wasting my time and money. Lately I've been thinking maybe I should just quit therapy altogether. It would save me a lot of money, which would be really good because I feel really poor right now, and there just keeps being more and more to pay for.
I don't even know, you guys. I feel so terrible. I feel so distant from my family in some ways because they just don't know/understand about the gravity and severity of my depression. And now I don't feel so great about my relationship with my best friend. I saw her over this past weekend and I felt like it wasn't really fun, and I felt distant from her too.
I feel like I want to quit my DBT group.
There is so little joy in my life, so much pain, and how is it ever going to change? Reading the posts above about thirty minutes of normalcy really made me think "wow, I totally don't have that". Gabbi said something about realizing the burden she carries the rest of the time, and I feel exactly the same way. I am so "heavy-hearted" (as opposed to light hearted). I don't even know what that normalcy might feel like and I wonder if I ever will.
I didn't have a good time on my vacation, and now I'm back to the hellishness of my life. I've really crashed over the past week or so. Is it always going to be like this? I think pretty seriously about killing myself several times a day, but it is basically always on my mind. Over the weekend, it was the worst and I sort of couldn't get it off of my mind. At one point when I was being really quiet my sister asked me what I was thinking about in her cheerful way, and I think I said "nothing much" because I really couldn't say "killing myself".
I don't know if I can stand much more of this. I really need help. But I've been trying desperately to get help for years and it just doesn't ever seem to be enough because nothing has gotten any better.
poster:yesac
thread:240408
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/240408.html