Posted by Kath on August 28, 2002, at 11:07:37
In reply to Re: Where does this come from?? » tina, posted by Ted on August 26, 2002, at 10:46:10
Tina, I think what Ted says makes a heckuvalotta sense.
What happens to us as we're growing up affects us SOOOO much, I think.
You have had major shit happen in your childhood (as I have) and believe me, Tina, those things screw us up royally. Often, we blame ourselves, feel worthless, bad, ashamed, etc. From what I gather, you certainly don't get much positive reinforcement from your family (understatement). A "core" belief of yours is that you're not okay. Makes sense to me that if people tell you good things about yourself, it feels horrible. (Sorry, but any that come from me are totally sincere because that is precisely how I experience 'you'.) I think that in that scenario, hearing good things about myself would make me feel pretty damned isolated, crazy, angry, misunderstood, scared, to name a few feelings.
There IS hope. I'm pretty nervous about what to say to you, but all I can do is tell what my own experience is. By the time my former husband & I split up some years ago, my self-worth was in the basement. He had said (among other things) that I was boring, had nothing of interest to say & was dull, etc. When I was going out with Craig I was sometimes really stressed about talking. When I got to know him well enough, I told him what John had said. Craig was really mad & said that it wasn't true. Over the years I have been growing in feeling better about myself. I can now hear compliments & actually enjoy them! I can hear nice things people say about me & think "hey, yeah - that's true!"
But guess what, Tina - Elissa will say to me, "Your a great Mom." and I feel uncomfortable & REALLY rotten! THAT is one core belief that I still have - that I've been a bad Mom & screwed up my kids majorly!
I feel guilty when I say good stuff about you, but I'm sorry Tina - you've been a major support to me for the last 2 years. I don't know what I would do without knowing you're there.
Hugs, Kath
P.S. - I also must say that I've benefitted greatly from the CoDependents group. I know it'd stress you to go to a group, but maybe there's one on the internet. I'll ask Wanda.
love, Kath
> Tina,
>
> Please let me know when you find the answer. I feel the same exact way, though to a somewhat less extreme. Part of my problem was having been raised where everything I did was either unimportant or not good enough. Now awards and accomplishments are especially difficult for me.
>
> Take care of yourself.
>
> Ted
>
>
poster:Kath
thread:29277
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020820/msgs/29441.html