Posted by BarbaraCat on June 11, 2002, at 0:27:38
In reply to No motivation...to do anything!, posted by Penny on May 31, 2002, at 9:34:51
Hi Penny, Fiona, Mair,
I'm in a similar situation, although I've been out of work for over a year due to hitting the wall last June. Money worries on top of depression and anxiety seems like more than one can bear. But the amazing thing is that somehow I keep surviving, somehow a miracle happens and the mortgage and other crappy bills get paid (late more often than not, but paid). My husband is also out of work so it's sheer skin of the teeth every month. I hate the constant acid eroding stress of it. But all the same, it's getting done, I'm making it, I'm not permanently falling into the black sucking abyss I'm so terrified of. I mean to say, I fall in then I crawl out.I think I can speak for all of us in that when we're depressed our psychic antennas only pick up the doom channels. Our buried horrors surface and haunt us without mercy. Being homeless, sick, crazy, and unloved seems our inevitable fate. It's amazing we make it through each day relatively intact considering the warfare we go through. But I'm on the upswing of one of those awful episodes and can call on hindsight and share what I've learned and keep on learning. And it is this: the most wonderful and precious gift I've received from walking through the valley of hell is to cherish and seek haven in now, in this ever present moment.
It sounds trite perhaps and big deal, like ho-hum. But wait - really, the present moment is all we have and it usually is bearable, it's usually quite OK. I find myself in the midst of agonizing about what might happen to me when in reality I'm surrounded by a loving husband, sweet and precious little kitties, watching a good movie having had a decent dinner. Those horrors are in my head, but even if they do come true, there is grace in whatever form I most need that will bail my ass out, and in the moment it's happening I can deal with it. I always have and most likely I always will. The spark of life in me seems to be stronger than I give it credit for.
I've been practicing letting the safety and haven of my life in the here and now wrap around me, feeling every breath, every heartbeat. It will get better, it always does, just like it will at some point go to shit again. But maybe just letting it be has something to offer greater than we can imagine. I'm slowly learning that life is a great gift, even when I hate it. - Barbara
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:24913
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020531/msgs/25212.html