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Re: I NEED SOME INPUT..It wasn't that long :-)

Posted by finelinebob on January 26, 2002, at 0:59:35

In reply to Re: I NEED SOME INPUT..It wasn't that long :-) » alley, posted by kiddo on January 25, 2002, at 23:45:04

[glad you responded, kiddo ... I had written out this "partner-bashing" response just to kill it since I thought I was projecting JUST a little....]

The short of what I had written:

Alley--

keep in mind that "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing." especially in wanna-be-clinician undergraduates.

I agree with kiddo about the "you couldn't survive without me" comment. Blatent power grab there. The only support coming out of that statement is for his ego.

So what's "killing you inside"? Could be the change in meds. Could be the relationship. Probably a little of both plus some other stuff. But don't get stuck in some push-me-pull-you mutually-assured-destruction relationship for his sake. Sounds like he doesn't want to support you but doesn't want to let go. To be fair, you're probably not in a very good position to support him but a few things you say make me think you can step away from this relationship.

The trick is not to beat yourself up about it, obsessing about a "failed" relationship. My ex (who I'm really trying hard not to bash via examples for you to beware of ;^) complained near the end that everything was about me, not her. My reaction?

Yeah. So?

I had already told her as much, but she wouldn't listen. She had to prove her theories on me, thinking she could still have me as a partner. [bash alert! stop it, bob!!]

The thing is, I had finally realized I needed to focus on me and was in no position to meet her needs. You may be in the same situation, or something similar. There's nothing wrong about ending a relationship because you need to focus on getting healthy. Staying in it so that you're both miserable has nothing right to it, including the rather common romantic notion about the virtues of trying to save the relationship.

Think about what you did last week when you were apart. What did you do that could have contributed to making yourself miserable? Make a list. Stop doing those things. Now, make a list of things you can do to make yourself feel better, particularly things that will get you out of any place/situation/activity that's just going to remind yo of him. Fill the vacuum left by the misery-makers with the merry-makers. Yeah, I know -- easier said than done. Still, you gotta make the effort.

hth
flb


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