Posted by IsoM on January 25, 2002, at 13:01:51
In reply to good v. bad, posted by ELA on January 25, 2002, at 4:13:25
Emma, sometimes the changes in our brain chemistry can sweep us along beyond our conscious effort to control our moods. I need to use illustrations a lot for myself to understand how things work. I liken it to the ocean - the tide moving in & then out twice a day. The flotsam it carries to shore is dragged back & forth with each succesive wave till it's thrown on to the beach. I think of my moods as the flotsam that the waves of brain chemicals wash back & forth. Let me tell you of my mood yesterday.
For two days I've been getting steadily darker feeling. Yesterday before I left for work, I felt *very* black. Coworkers are used to me with a sunny smile & always a bright hello, at the least. Yesterday when they greeted me, I just nodded in return. While I'm black, I don't want to be rude or mean to them, it's my mood - not theirs. One sweet girl even came to hug me, feeling sorry for me & I quickly backed away saying "don't touch me", not like me at all. People really got concerned for me.
Shortly after, I started feeling quite spacey & the lights started looking strange. I could feel a migraine coming on. I went to the pharmacy section & bought some codeine containing painkillers & Gravol & took it so I could continue working. [The actual pain of my migraines have faded as I've gotten older & I rarely vomit anymore.] As my aura passed & before the painkillers had a chance to take effect, my mood was gone!
The black mood was part of the aura preceeding the migraine. This was the first time I ever had an aura start 2 days in advance. Sometimes it's just lights but other times it can include weird smells, sounds distortion & irritability, but never this black or long. My head's still sore this morning but I'm not black anymore.
Talking with another coworker as I worked, I told her I feel like a freak - black & glowering, then cheerful & talkative, all in a matter of a half hour! She was very understanding & said not to worry. But that's what I feel like at times - a freak that's controlled by her brain but not her mind.
I'm sure you're feeling very similar but there's others like us. All the determination in the world can't stop what's happening in our brains sometimes. Accept the dark spells for now, knowing they'll pass & the light moods will return. Why not use this experience as an opportunity to write about it. I don't doubt that your writing ability is good & something like this is a unique insight into our psyche.
poster:IsoM
thread:17188
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020125/msgs/17199.html