Posted by akc on November 29, 2001, at 16:15:07
As I read everyone's posts here lately, I find myself almost writing what I will here -- then I don't because I don't want to take up his or her space with my complaint. Then I don't write at all. But I digress.
I cannot decide if I am depressed or just unhappy. I have had some good weeks strung together (definitely not depressed). But for the past month or so, I have been in a yucky space. I just don't like me or my life. I get teary at times -- so I start thinking I am depressed. But at other times, I can be laughing my head off (last night, my hair dresser had me rolling). And so I think, well you can't be that depressed, you wouldn't be having this much fun.
I have lots of thoughts of cutting (serious), some of drinking (fleeting), and some of suicide (between serious and fleeting). The pathetic state of my life just overwhelms me at time. But I know an outsider would not view my life as pathetic. I have a decent job (that I have grown to despise these past few weeks). I have a nice house. I have good friends. I have a good family (now -- that is only been over the past few years). But I am desperately lonely. I live alone. I have never been in a serious, intimate relationship. I haven't had sex in years (though, since being on these lovely cocktails for 2+ years, I don't miss the sex -- just the intimacy).
Compared to my "D"epressions, this is nothing like them. But I just am horribly unhappy. Someone in AA last week said that nothing was promised that we would be happy all the time. And he is so right. But in the past, oh, 6 weeks, I think last night was one of the few times I had even a moment of happiness. And over the past year, I have just had a few weeks strung here or there.
I'm not suicidal (today). Though the question also pops into my head -- Can you be suicidal without being depressed?
I don't know. I haven't posted much in awhile. I have group therapy tonight. I would like to talk there, but I always feel I hog too much time.
That's all.
akc
poster:akc
thread:14542
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011117/msgs/14542.html