Posted by kid_A on November 8, 2001, at 14:50:05
In reply to Re: Cutting... Can anyone identify? What does it mean?, posted by tina on November 8, 2001, at 11:19:14
Thanks thusfar for all of the great insight, I empathise entirely with what all of you have said as in some way or another at the time I have felt the same.The idea of cutting as a form of punishment, is sometimes how I feel... Like feeling bad about yourself just for feeling bad... It does silence the anxiety though too... And yes, it somehow makes me feel human, that i bleed, that I'm real somehow...
There is an interesting painting you'll probably find in any highschool psych book that was done by a schizophrenic patient... It's a self portrait done as a cross section of the person's skull... one section has him and one of his arms is stripped completely bare to the bone... He said that he felt that if he could do this, he could somehow proove his humanity, that it would shock him back into reality.
I think this is what happens for me, the act is such an act, i mean its almost a ritual, that your distracted totally from your anxiety. Sudenly the shell that you were becomes a person again, and you tend to your wounds... If you cut deep enough, you bleed more than just a little and somehow this makes you feel real. At least that is how I can describe it.
Right now I have a very faint "Whore" written on my left arm, the first cut, and a very deep "Jesus" written on the right arm (i wonder what my substitute pdoc thought of that one), again I'm right handed so I guess I didn't have as fine of controll... I actually went back and fixed the J, in a complete state of normalcy... it looked like a T, and nobody wants "Tesus" carved into their arm for life...
I'm trying hard not to do this, the night it happened I was in a complete stupor, a complete breakdown and I dont remember much of it, a friend from down the street took care of me and drove me to the store to get butterfly closures and bandaids I remember my arm being wrapped in a towel and blood everywhere... Now I'm wearing long sleeves most of the time... I've been here before...
I hopefully won't keep reliving these experiences, I think as AKC said some of the younger people do look at it as some sort of fetish thing that they want to continue... It's not something I'm proud of, but I'm glad there are people to talk to about it.
poster:kid_A
thread:13645
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011105/msgs/13677.html