Posted by tina on November 8, 2001, at 11:19:14
In reply to Re: Cutting... Can anyone identify? What does it mean? » kid_A, posted by kiddo on November 8, 2001, at 10:04:02
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> When I'm in so much mental/emotional pain that I can't take anymore, cutting gives me an escape from it. I'm usually in a dissociated state of mind at the time. It briefly gives me respite from the war going on inside me.
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> Other times, I feel so 'dead' I feel nothing, like a shell of person, the body is there, but my spirit, soul (however you wish to describe it) isn't. When I cut, seeing the blood, feeling of pain afterwards, lets me know there's something there inside me. Taking care of them afterwards, proves to me there's emotion to me afterall. I'm 'caring' for myself. (I realize this may sound psychotic to some-how you can 'care' after you harm yourself in the first place). But that is truly how I feel.
>Kid
Kiddo's description fits my reasons to a T. Sometimes it's because I feel dead and need to see the blood and feel the pain to remind myself that I am indeed alive and real.
Other times it's just because it allows the escape from too much going on inside my head. There is shame associated with it so it's a vicious cycle for me because alot of times, it's shame and/or guilt that makes me feel like I must do it in the first place.I also use it as a punishment sometimes. Issues in my past creep into my mind and I realize that I was "bad" and need to be punished. No one will punish me, I have been forgiven but I have not forgiven myself so I cut to self-punish.
I don't cut as much as I used to though. I mostly beat the daylights out of brick walls and wooden fences. The result is the same though. I see the blood, feel the pain and am distracted from my emotions. I prefer the punching now as it allows some of the built up anger I have inside to come out in a physical way. Cutting still works as an escape but i find there is more satisfaction in the punching.
I've done this since I was very young and I don't see it stopping. it feels too good to me.
poster:tina
thread:13645
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011105/msgs/13664.html