Posted by Miss Amy on April 3, 2001, at 20:20:12
In reply to Re: Awesome-Dreamer, posted by Dubya on April 1, 2001, at 22:24:26
Dear Dubya:
Not to minimize your frustration, but I feel your pain. You are SSOOOOOO NOT ALONE in feeling the way you do. Sometimes we shoot for the stars when we should really just throw a rock a few feet : ) I have found that sometimes we tend to place these gigantic expectations on ourselves, and if we cannot attain them we think it means we are worthless. But It is not true. If we set goals that are unrealistic for where we are at the time, we will fail and feel even worse. For example: "I want to be Normal! What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I meet new people without freaking out ? I am such a loser! It feels like I will never get better!" And then we force ourselves to go to some big gallery opening and practically suffocate before even getting through the door! And then we feel TWICE as bad! There are certain things we have to "work up to" by setting small trial and error goals. You want to whiz through a book? Why not read a couple pages a day and savour them? The book will get read. We cannot define ourselves by how quickly we can read--unless that is how you CHOOSE to define your worth--kind of setting ourselves up for disaster there, don't you think?. i am trying to word this carefully so I do not project my own experiences and hang-ups on how I think YOU should recover, so bear with me : ) If public places bother you, why not meet your best girlfriend in a public place for twenty minutes to have a cup of chamomile tea? Just twenty minutes--or better yet, five or ten. Have you seen that wonderful "What About Bob" movie with Bill Murray? It's all about those *baby steps* we take to grow into a "secure" individual--and it's a pretty funny flick, even though it is Hollywoods way of poking fun at the mentally ill. But I sometimes think that being able to laugh at who we are makes the ride easier. If I did not have my sense of humor, I would perish. Speaking from experience, I KNOW how hard it is to challenge myself. It is REALLY hard to follow through on a goal sometimes--even a really small one. But I tell you what...if you go slowly.....the success will follow. And your self-esteem will grow. NOT over night, but I promise you it will come over time. We HAVE to be realistic about the time it takes to change. And as the quote poetically states: "We will not change until the pain of staying the same is larger than the fear of changing." My mom always says that. In conjunction with small goal setting, it sounds like learning to embrace WHO YOU ARE and LOVE YOURSELF will help too. Positive affirmations--positive situations--even those "little things in life" can make a HUGE difference. If you feel a self-hating word forming in your brain...STOP and then flood that thought away with positive thoughts. STOP before you finish that berating thought and replace it with (out loud usually helps me) a self loving one. For example "I am a loser!" could be replaced by "I am a loving and caring human being, perfect in my own way" " Or "I will NEVER get this right! What is WRONG with me?" replaced by "Learning new things is challenging for EVERYBODY. If it takes me longer to achieve ths goal, I will be okay with that." It might all sound hokey, but it really worked for me. Over time. It took me about 5 years. But you know what? It is like the 48 year old woman saying she wants to learn the violin, but then she says "I CANNOT learn to play the violin! Do you know how LONG that would take?? Do you know how OLD I would be when I figured it all out?" The answer to that question is : The same age you would be if you had not learned at all. So do it. And if you find that the negative thoughts aren't going away--remember, that takes time too. I hope my babbling has helped a small bit. My heart ached when I read your post because I could sympathize. Good luck to you--you will be in my prayers.
Miss Amy
poster:Miss Amy
thread:5325
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010324/msgs/5475.html