Posted by lingonberry on December 29, 2009, at 9:49:47
In reply to All I wanted for Christmas, posted by Verloren on December 29, 2009, at 1:33:32
Hi Verloren,
Im glad you are still here. I have a lot to do right now and therefore not been able to respond, but I have followed your threads and I think you are both a lovable and honest person. Dont ever doubt it.
>> So I saw my T last week and as usual I concentrated on diffusing the awkwardness I feel during the session by using humor.>> I had decided to ask for a hug, as a gift to me, for Christmas. (tis the season). But she refused, saying that she didnt feel like it was a good idea and that it would be unprofessional of her.
>> I laughed and mostly shrugged it off, joking with her about it, but really I was hoping shed see that I didnt want to hug her for the sake of hugging. I wanted desperately to get rid of these lingering feelings of loneliness. And I wanted to feel cared for by her.
Of course you want, because you are hurting, but isnt that why youve got in to therapy in the first place to uncover all those ugly suppressed feelings so you can be healed? When I had those feelings I reminded myself of how much I had long for them, that I unfortunately never got them from my parents (although all my memories were completely denied at the time). I was just blown away of how much I wanted to be loved validated, listen to, hugged, heard, cared for and so on. And I said to myself: I have been running from those feelings my whole life, now is my job to feel all those hurtful feelings so that in time, I can validate and love myself instead of wanting this from others, because that made me so vulnerable and moreover, gave me a sense of powerlessness. I had no sense of a self and was dependent on others.
>>I get these weird thoughts that its all about the diagnosis for her. That she really doesnt care about whether or not I get better, but rather she wants to peer into my mind and figure out whats going on in there that makes me the person I am. Maybe thats not true, but I just wanted to relate to her on a human level and she wouldnt even do that. I feel like its not fair that she should laugh and take pleasure in enjoying my humor if, when Im upset or tormented, she wont also have compassion toward my needs.I know it sounds weird, but the fact that your T dont give you any hugs shows that she really cares about you and take her job seriously. Because her job is to make you see how much you want this from her, not actually give it to you. If she does, she is making you dependent on her and thats not loving.
>> I also think she was worried that my wanting a hug had to do with the transference. I asked for the hug just a few sessions after admitting my love for her, so I guess the timing was bad. Its possible the transference was playing a part, but at the time, I didnt feel sexually inclined toward her, rather like a child needing comfort.
>> It sort of confirms my belief that I am unhuggable/unlovable which is something she knew I was struggling with recently anyway.I know how difficult it is to get rid of these negative messages. So therefore, and maybe you dont believe me when I say that you are not unhuggable/unlovable. You see, thats your problem, your self-worth makes you dependent on others, how other treats you and what they are saying to you. You are huggable/lovable simply because you are you. We have been deprived of the most basic, essential need of a human being to feel validated for whom we are with all our flaws, to be loved because we are we. I saw a film, in which a girl was very much loved by her father. She looked into her fathers eyes and they reflected nothing but love. It was so simple; She knew he loved her because she was his daughter. Thats all, how can he not love her she is his daughter. That realization was the most wonderful experience because it showed me what I had been missing all my life. My goal is to feel and give this love to myself, and Im on my way.
>> I wonder if she would have hugged me if I had never told her about my transference feelings. Now Im starting to regret telling her at all if its going to affect the way she is with me from now on.>>To top it off, Im still having an intense need to see a T (Ada) that I did a consult with a short while ago. I feel like telling Ada about the hug situation. Im struggling to not call her because I agreed with my T that I wouldnt see two Ts at the same time.
I think thats one of the major goals in therapy trying to stay with ones feeling no matter what, and then share them with our T. She wants to help you, but you have to let her know what you are feeling and trust her. In that way we start to believe in ourselves, taking care of ourselves and start to grow and become independent.
I know how it feels living with an internal saboteur, constantly picking down on oneself, therefore I ´m trying to give you some hope. And I hope you get a feeling of love and kindness from me, because I think I can be pretty direct and therefore people sometimes mistake me for being harsh. Its not my intention at all. I dont have the right answers. I just want to share my own experiences with you. I hope all this makes sense, if not, take it for what it is, just my experience.
A BIG hug! ((((Verloren ))))
Lingonberry
-Verloren
poster:lingonberry
thread:931368
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091212/msgs/931401.html