Posted by Verloren on December 29, 2009, at 1:33:32
So I saw my T last week and as usual I concentrated on diffusing the awkwardness I feel during the session by using humor.
I had decided to ask for a hug, as a gift to me, for Christmas. (tis the season). But she refused, saying that she didnt feel like it was a good idea and that it would be unprofessional of her.
I laughed and mostly shrugged it off, joking with her about it, but really I was hoping shed see that I didnt want to hug her for the sake of hugging. I wanted desperately to get rid of these lingering feelings of loneliness. And I wanted to feel cared for by her. I get these weird thoughts that its all about the diagnosis for her. That she really doesnt care about whether or not I get better, but rather she wants to peer into my mind and figure out whats going on in there that makes me the person I am. Maybe thats not true, but I just wanted to relate to her on a human level and she wouldnt even do that. I feel like its not fair that she should laugh and take pleasure in enjoying my humor if, when Im upset or tormented, she wont also have compassion toward my needs.
I also think she was worried that my wanting a hug had to do with the transference. I asked for the hug just a few sessions after admitting my love for her, so I guess the timing was bad. Its possible the transference was playing a part, but at the time, I didnt feel sexually inclined toward her, rather like a child needing comfort.
It sort of confirms my belief that I am unhuggable/unlovable which is something she knew I was struggling with recently anyway.
I wonder if she would have hugged me if I had never told her about my transference feelings. Now Im starting to regret telling her at all if its going to affect the way she is with me from now on.
To top it off, Im still having an intense need to see a T (Ada) that I did a consult with a short while ago. I feel like telling Ada about the hug situation. Im struggling to not call her because I agreed with my T that I wouldnt see two Ts at the same time.
-Verloren
poster:Verloren
thread:931368
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091212/msgs/931368.html