Posted by workinprogress on February 10, 2009, at 10:11:30
I'm here again. I'm here in the place of feeling needy, reaching out a lot, not feeling like I can ever get enough, mostly just really really being afraid of my connection with my T and that it will go away. I've been here before... thinking about her all the time, hoping for that email back (she's actually great about it, but I'm a little high maintenance ;) ). But, I thought I was done. I got through it, I found a solution (calling and leaving a voicemail every day). Maybe it wasn't the solution after all? Because I'm still here.
It's that limitations of therapy thing. I want to be an only child. I want to go back to being that kid and have it done right. And she, my T, is so good at it. And I'm so frustrated with myself for being back here. For feeling/acting so needy again. For obsessing. For not having graduated from that place.
But maybe it isn't about graduation. Maybe it isn't linear (even though I want it to be). Any thoughts on why I'm back here? For you therapy veterans, does the obsessive thinking/need for connection ever stop occasionally rearing it's head? (maybe I don't want the answer to that) It's been 1.5 years. I want the yearning to stop. It hurts.
My T and I talked yesterday about me wanting people to "fix it".... when really I just want to be noticed. That yeah, the yearning hurts and is hard, but it just is. It's a feeling, so is the fear... feelings can't be fixed, but they can be noticed and empathized with. That's what I didn't get as a kid and don't always know I need now.
So, anybody out there want to notice my fear (of losing my T- because we talked about how I crank things up and demand they be fixed and that just seems so unattractive)? And my self-loathing (that cranking and demanding "fix it" is so unattractive)? And my yearning- I want to be comforted by my T. I want her to notice me. I don't want her to go away.
Sigh...
WIP
(work in circles maybe? instead of work in progress)
poster:workinprogress
thread:879225
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/879225.html