Posted by antigua3 on February 5, 2009, at 11:09:36
In reply to Re: Testing our relationships with our Ts (long), posted by onceupon on February 5, 2009, at 10:34:03
Your post wasn't patronizing at all, and I very much appreciate your response. And you playing "devil's advocate" is a good thing for me to hear.
I'll try to answer as honestly as I can.
You wrote:
"But there are other possible explanations too. It sucks that your T and pdoc are imperfect people who miss sometimes. Witti mentioned in a thread that I started above that it is the negative interactions in therapy, no matter how infrequent or out of character (that's my interpretation), that have the most intense, longest-lasting effects. And of course, this makes sense, but it doesn't erase the good."Yes, my pdoc and T are imperfect beings; I'm one too (shocking, I know). I think what I'm saying about my T is that I do recognize she's imperfect and I obviously love her anyway after all we've been though. My pdoc is not imperfect (well, OK, he is, but not when it comes to this), he is cruel.
Clearly, this may be a great therapeutic learning opportunity w/my T if I can tell her of my anger, as I have never been able to do with my mother, or w/her.
But she can't fix it, only I can. Maybe it's her imperfectness at this time that devastates me so much. She just hasn't paid attention to what's been going, and why should I have to deal with that anymore? It is the fact that she IS imperfect that makes me realize she is just a person, doing the best she can, but it's not good enough anymore.
As to my pdoc, this is the way he is. It's always "my way or the highway" w/him. He's very rigid w/his boundaries and parses out his supposed caring in tiny, little parcels. Kind of like Hansel & Gretel, leading them (me) to the house of horrors. That's not what I need. I understand why I chose to stay w/him and begin therapy--precisely because of these strict boundaries, which remind me so much of my father and I stupidly thought the re-creation of this dynamic would be helpful. I never, ever expected to experience transference w/him, but know i'm smack in the middle of it and his response IS too much like my father's--cold and unyielding.
What a mess I've made of all this. And I had such good intentions.
> Perhaps going to that deep, painful place with your pdoc was a test. And in one way, he passed, in that he was able to tolerate the depth of your emotion. He didn't pass with flying colors because he didn't understand your implicit call for help in your subsequent note. But what I'm curious about is how you got to the place of allowing yourself to trust your pdoc enough to share those feelings with him. He's certainly been imperfect in the past. So how did you come to trust him, knowing that he is imperfect?
>
I trusted him w/what I shared because of my intense drive to be relieved of my burden of shame, pain and humiliation about the abuse. That's it, plain and simple. I stupidly thought he cared and would help me. I was desperate, I guess, and made a poor choice.
> I want to suggest that you consider reaching out to her or your pdoc. But I get it that you don't want to have to.
>
I've already reached out to both of them. I won't humilate myself again. My T wouldn't see it as humiliation, but this is the second time in three weeks that she has been too distracted to pay attention to my needs.Yes, ruptures in therapy w/my T can yield positive results. But so far, "positive results" haven't occurred often enough w/my pdoc so why should I continue when I feel like this is abuse, pure and simple. I've had enough abuse.
Feel free to point out my obvious black and white thinking in this matter. And the denial, too, that's my strongest suit.
thanks again,
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:878199
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878212.html