Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 7, 2008, at 6:43:14
In reply to just an amazing and moving post... » Wittgensteinz, posted by twinleaf on December 6, 2008, at 23:16:06
Twinleaf,
Ironically, although this is on my mind, in other aspects of my life things are going well - I'm holding together fine - maybe that's why I am able to look at this at this point.
I understand that my post may have been triggering for people - it is an uncomfortable area - most people are probably a bit hazy about their earliest years and that in combination with strong negative feelings/recollections makes for a uniquely sensitive subject. I have the feeling that these earliest things hold the greatest power over me. That they shaped all to come, they laid the foundations of who I am now.
I know I do avoid things in therapy (perhaps in part unconsciously). I ended up talking about the incident that happened as a teen after having a series of disturbing dreams - it made the topic unavoidable.
I think you may be right. I think the pdoc has good intentions but it does feel like he's trying to be more than he should. He routinely asks me for example what I'm discussing at that point with my therapist - I avoid answering. His questioning about my sex life began with the obvious question about the effect of the meds on libido but then he didn't stop. I said something like, I hadn't noticed a change on taking the meds or on stopping with them, as my libido was already affected beforehand. Instead of leaving it there, he probed why and then said "or it is too difficult to answer?", which made me feel like I had to answer... so I said I'd had an unpleasant experience while at university... then he asked if it was my "first time"... and then whether my boyfriend pressured me about sex now ("does he want sex more often than you want it?")... and I just said "these are not easy questions to answer" - then he made the comment: would it be easier talking with a woman than a man... then, do you talk with Dr. S. about this? ...You really should discuss this with him and not avoid it... by which point I wanted the session to end and felt nauseous. What would he have said had I just been honest and said "I'm making progress, I can let him hug me now without wincing". It was a 20 minute appointment. I left feeling like I was doing my boyfriend a great injustice by not doing what I should. I also felt a bit violated by all the personal questions. Luckily he later said "that's not what's important right now - I just want you to get better". That was a relief.
Perhaps I went on a bit there!
Thanks for your post - as insightful as ever :)
Witti
poster:Wittgensteinz
thread:866883
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/867200.html