Posted by turtle on September 28, 2008, at 13:03:51
In reply to Do you think your T really .....?, posted by JayMac on September 27, 2008, at 15:40:24
Hi JayMac
I think I recognize the feelings in your post.
My prior therapy experience was just good enough to bring my issues to the surface, including my attachment stuff, but I wasn't really supported and hadn't worked through much of it yet. I could tell that my new therapist was the "real deal" and could help me, but there were no shortcuts to letting the trust develop.
When I was in the first few months of therapy with her, it felt like there was a huge mismatch between where I needed to be and where I actually was. I really needed to be going deep into my issues, to be fully submersed in the relationship, and to feel attached. But in a very real way I was a brand new client with trust and fear of attachment issues. Here was this stranger sitting in front of me that I didn't really know yet, and yet I was opening my mouth and talking about all of this really deep and complex stuff that came up in my second and third year of self-exploration. It was also a mismatch to feel a deep need to be attached and in relationship with her, but when I looked at her face my mind would think "who is this stranger?" Now 8 months into it with her, I'm starting to feel this mismatch lessen and to feel supported, and maybe attached? To be truthful your post has made me wonder just what it means to be attached. All I can say is that I feel the need to be close and connected to her, maybe that is part of attachment?
Both my individual and couple's therapist used to love to say that I "didn't want to be seen." I didn't understand at first because of course I wanted my issues to be heard. I started therapy in total lock down.
I'm slowly learning that there are many different levels to being "seen."
The first step for me was to let go of my death grip of my image as the woman who was successful, professional, had it all together, and was of course Ok and unshakable. I had to get comfortable with my own dysfunction and wounded areas. I am now comfortable *being* the not OK person. When I didn't have to rigidly deflect/deny everything to keep my carefully repressed world from cracking and collapsing, it was much easier to be real with my therapists and be "seen." Self awareness, acceptance, and understanding had to come first.
Emotional functioning was another part of it. I'm slowly getting the message that being stoic and repressing emotions both limits my understanding of myself and it also makes people feel like they don't know me.
I'm now trying to move into another level of "being seen". For the most part, I thoroughly work through my topic for the week before going into therapy. It's safer for me that way. But then I'm controlling the message and still detached in a sense. I'm trying to shift things "into the moment". Its one thing to pull out an issue and hold it in your hand to examine (a whole arm's length away) and quite another to be present in the moment, maintain eye contact, to be open emotionally, and be truly "seen". It's a very scary and intimate thing to connect in the moment like that.
It sounds like your therapist will give you time "in your hoodie" to get comfortable and to let the trust form. It was very important for me that my therapist didn't try to push past my "shell" and that she let me have it. I'm curious to hear more about how you work through your pre-attachment phases and your struggle to let your therapist get to know the parts of yourself that you are still protecting.
Turtle
poster:turtle
thread:854410
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/854620.html