Posted by Lemonaide on August 6, 2008, at 8:45:06
In reply to Re: x » Lemonaide, posted by Dinah on August 6, 2008, at 1:07:30
Hi Dinah,
I would say your idea's are not wild they are valid and true actually, but it is just part of it. I am grieving the total loss of my old T, this is true, it hit me so hard yesterday, it makes me think if I didn't say anything or try to make amends, this wouldn't have happened. I feel like a part of me had died inside, I had a bond with him, nothing like I have had with anyone else, and now it is dead. This hurts like nothing I have ever experience, it is primal hurt, I can't discribe it really.
I am upset with my current T for a number of reasons. I kinda wonder if my old T even said he would meet with me, because why would he quit the gym then. I think my current T might have tried to lower the blow that my old T didn't want to meet with me. He insisted so much that it wouldn't be a good idea. I wonder if the possible was already "zero"
What hurts too is that I spent an entire session explaining what I meant by soul mate, which isn't the word that really describes what I felt, but it was the closest thing to it. He even told me about his soul mate, too. Well yesterday when I broke down, I said I lost my soul mate too, he said he didn't believe in soul mates, etc. That even his wife wasn't a soul mate, that she could leave him for a number of reasons, etc. Then I asked him about his friend he calls a soul mate, and he stammered around that. So he forgot an entire session, one that was so important to me.Then when he said something that I never said or talked about, I know he got it from my old T defenses when he talked to him. But he presented it like because of this, this happened. Then I am like whoa, where did you get this idea from. Then I directly asked him what did my old T say to him. He wouldn't answer me, and stammered about. I think he realized he did this, because he was saying something about that he knew what my old T would say when I talked to him. Well fine, but it doesn't mean it is fact, and for him to say what he said, was so wrong especially since it wasn't true and it didn't come from me.
I am very upset, I feel I have lost both my T's now, and I feel like I have lost myself. I really hate myself right now. I hate that I tried to even make things right, I hate that I had hope and thought the best of my old T. When in the end he just dumped me and I don't mean when I fired him, I mean he dumped me because he won't see me or even talk to me now.
I just don't know if I can ever get over this. Plus my current T, I think didn't know what to do, this whole thing blew up in his face. I was so upset when I learned my old T quit the gym. My T didn't tell me until now. That makes me wonder if my old T even agreed to meet with me in my current T's office.
I think this is the saddest and angriest I have ever been in my life. I feel like I am nothing but a piece of sh*t. I am sorry if this upsets anyone, but it is how I feel now. I feel worthless.
poster:Lemonaide
thread:844353
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/844530.html