Posted by Happyflower on April 21, 2008, at 19:52:57
My T is right, I build my self esteem to what others think and say to me. That is fine when good things are said regularly, but one can't count on that. But how do you change? As a child, it was important for teachers to like me.
Lately some good things are happening to me. I got accepted for an internship that is a good one, working directly with people (not stuffing envelopes). The fact that they thought I am capable of helping others in their life, gives me confidence. But it would be easier if I believed in myself first. Then when I told others of what I was doing, all of sudden I have others who want me to be their intern. I am not sure what to do with that info, it is too much for me to believe.
Then later this month I am getting a reward for academics, it is a big deal to others, there is the professors in their Harry Potter outfits parading about. I am like I don't feel like I fit in. Yes I worked hard, but I don't feel like I am one of them. My T says it is due to my poor self esteem. He wants me to go to this, and be proud of myself. But yet I feel it is silly and I am down playing it like it isn't a big deal.
So I see why having my self esteem wrapped up in what others think is bad, even if it is good stuff, because deep down I don't feel I deserve anything, I am not special, please just smack me instead, it is what I know, what I grew up with.
At least I know I am noticed.But how do you change from what was smacked into your head your whole childhood that you are nothing but sh*t and don't deserve anything? Why can't I believe the good stuff people say about me? How do I change a whole lifetime of thinking? It feels like a handicap in my thinking.
poster:Happyflower
thread:824665
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/824665.html