Posted by DAisym on March 5, 2008, at 19:47:56
I have really hard homework. I need cliff notes.
The discussion today was about how hard it still is for me to hold on to the connection I have with my therapist. We talked about lots of things but I found the conversation really hard to stay with - the room was spinning and my mind kept closing down. He said this means we are touching a very deep need - and something I'm terrified of. I talked about my fear of losing him somehow and he said I put a lot of pressure on myself with this fear, because I then critic everything I do in therapy - did I say the right thing, am I going too slow with the work, am I working hard enough? He is right.
But I defended myself by saying that the need I feel for him is so enormous that if I don't monitor it constantly it will swallow him up. He shook his head. And then asked the homework question: "What would it look like if I could meet your need for me?" I couldn't answer. He said, "in fantasy - would you call 1000 times a day? Would I be sitting in your office, ready to soothe any upset? What would it look like to take care of it 100%?" I still couldn't answer. I tried to explain that I can't let go of the should and should not wants, or of the reality of the "rules" of therapy. I couldn't even play with it. But still - he wants me to think about it.
The best I could come up with was that there are times when I want to just wrap myself around his knee and cling to him all day, like a small child. He said he'd be fine with that except that it would be kind of difficult to walk to the waiting room like that. :)
I was trying to write it out, but decided to procrastinate and post instead. I'm not sure if I'm looking for fantasy ideas or real ones. I'll take either. Thanks for helping.
poster:DAisym
thread:816442
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080226/msgs/816442.html